Translucent Gaye

At the bottom of the well, one can look up and see the sky.

2012-01-25T16:03:00.002-05:00

Was she still hovering about the house at home,

the essence of herself,

and were I there would I perceive her presence?

I fought off the mighty yearning to go in search of her,

wherever she was.

For surely she was looking for me, too.

We were ill at ease, always, when apart.

But where are the Pathways?

- Pearl Buck

This quandary presents itself to all who have lost loved ones.

There are times when I look into a starlight night

and wonder:

"Maybe, that is where Gaye is, up there among the stars"

These thoughts are heartbreaking conjectures,

because there are no answers,

no destination this side of death to which

we can travel to find our lost love.

Yet,

sometimes I do feel Gaye's spirit hovering near

Whether it is my own wishful and hopeful projection

or, in some way,

her spirit actually making a visit.

We have no way of knowing.

I want it to be Gaye

- some contact, some assurance, some validation

of a life beyond our physical shells.

But Oddly enough,

perhaps it doesn't matter a great deal right now to know.

If I am comforted, I need to be grateful for that sense.

And if this presence of the spirit comes

from my own imagination - well,

the creator of life gave me my imagination, too.
-Amen-

A Couple Unwelcomed friends appeared

2011-12-06T09:09:00.002-05:00

I was beginning to do better,

I thought I was doing better,

But a few days ago the holidays just hit me.

- Widow talking about her first Christmas alone.

This will by my fourth Christmas without Gaye.

(Hard to fathom it has been that many)

Memories are always there to hook us,

to make the grief fresh again.

This past Sunday, I ventured out to get a Christmas tree.

As I was on the lot looking over the trees,

an ole memory invaded my mind.

Of the time, Gaye and I went searching for a tree

with Deacon at our side.

With that memory fresh, along with the

hordes of families on the lot

enjoying this Christmas tradition,

My old friends, The Great Sadness, Grief and Loss

simply enveloped and overwhelmed me.

My knees buckled and I had to remind myself to breathe.

An attendant actually came up to see if I needed help.

I know this will be a hard season for me.

I will have to take it one day at a time.

I will do my best to acknowledge when grief hovers close.

And I will even try to be open when joy may surprise me, too.

Fortunate are those whose Faith remains strong
in the face of loss. I like to think I mourn freely
and without recrimination from myself or others.
I have learned that to be Human is to
feel the pain of loss. There are no shortcuts.
Only one way through.

As this Holiday Season surrounds me,
I will deal honestly with my Sadness, Pain and Loss;
We know each other very well.

Nope, I didn't get a tree. (Yet)

We were two and had but one heart between us.

2011-10-16T07:42:00.005-04:00

"Love is a fabric which never fades,

no matter how often it is washed in

the water of adversity and grief"

Happy Birthday Gaye,

True love stories never have endings.

“They that love beyond the world

cannot be separated by it.

Death cannot kill that which never dies."

William Penn

We love you so much!

The Happiest moments in life is to love and be loved.

Your lil canine Angel is taking great care of me.

2011-09-28T11:42:00.000-04:00

The Laughing Heart
by Charles Bukowski

your life is your life
don’t let it be clubbed into dank submission.
be on the watch.
there are ways out.
there is a light somewhere.
it may not be much light but
it beats the darkness.
be on the watch.
the gods will offer you chances.
know them.
take them.
you can’t beat death but
you can beat death in life, sometimes.
and the more often you learn to do it,
the more light there will be.
your life is your life.
know it while you have it.
you are marvelous
the gods wait to delight
in you

Happy Birthday Deacon!

2011-09-26T10:20:00.002-04:00

As I have mentioned many times before,

I thank God everyday for Deacon and

the love he has brought into my life.

I have one Angel up in Heaven

and one with a heartbeat
always at my side
looking over me!

My partner, My best friend,

My therapist, My fitness trainer.

This Green eyed Vizsla

has simply been my Savior!

How can there not be a God

with such a beautiful creature

providing life saving Grace and Comfort

Happy Birthday ole Boy!

I owe you my life.

(And Heart)

The Mystery of Nature

2011-09-13T12:02:00.000-04:00

Deacon and I swimming in Hot Springs, NC

"The best remedy for those who are afraid, lonely or unhappy

is to go outside, somewhere where they

can be quiet, alone with the

Heavens,

Nature and God"

- Anne Frank -

Sunflowers I grew this Summer in front of the house.

All my Mistakes led me to You

2011-08-15T10:01:00.010-04:00

1095 days ago, (3 years ago today) I had my last date with Gaye.

Reflecting back, I wish I had told her so me things.

I am haunted by what I did not say.

Below is what I wish I told her:

Blessed are the fortunate few who find their twin soul and willfully unite against all odds to walk a path together. Despite every transgression, despite many mistakes, my soul found fortune on the day I met you. From the first moments we laid eyes on each other, something in this world finally made sense to me. With maddening intensity, I began to travel within your path as you began to travel within mine. In a universe so large, I had been kissed by God to discover my soul mate. You are my other half... that piece of me which was missing so long. The moment I loved you... the moment you loved me back... that was the moment I became whole. In this enduring love we need never fear being less again.

Within the beautiful brief flicker and hiccup of time which our bodies shared on this earth, we were blessed to share so many things. Our adventure for Travel, our passion for movies, our Love for Deacon, Our Dreams for the future.

I want to thank you Gaye, I want thank you for all the amazing things which you did for me in our time together within these physical shells. From the smallest gestures to the greatest gifts.... everything you did had such meaning and I want you to know my gratitude for them.

I want to thank you for all the simple things which while you were here, I'm afraid to say at times, I met with merely a nod, or at worst...with no acknowledgement at all.

Thank you for each time you worried with me in the face of my own hardships... for taking them on as your own and then together sending them packing.

Thank you for your bountiful humor and quick wit. Thank you for each radiant smile you showed me and for each you brought to my own face. Thank you for giving your all to bring me cheer when I needed it. And thank you for bringing it to me when I neither needed nor expected it, though I enjoyed the extra savor of it within my life.

Thank you for always.... each day... having a fresh and exciting perception of the world in which we lived.

Thank you for the sharing of your love of everything beautiful. Thank you for showing it to me in places where I never would have thought to look.

Thank you for being so kind and loving to my family.

Thank you for the warmth of your lovely and exquisite body on cold nights. Thank you for the warmth of your love, always.

Thank you for having faith in me... even when I could not find that faith within myself. Thank you for being my biggest fan and North Star.

Thank you for the memories of all the things we shared. Thank you for bringing me the joys and mystery of travelling to new and exciting destinations. This new found passion is now a part of my DNA, as it was a huge part of yours. Thank you for all the places and dreams you took me; Prague, Vienna, Hawaii, Tuscany, Paris, CA, NYC, etc... If I never travel another mile, the places we experienced have provided me with a world of adventure and beauty far beyond the most unbridled dreams I could have managed before I met you.

Thank you for each and every memory of us alone together. Thank you for the weekend adventures, for the long massages, Thank you for introducing me to broadway. Thank you for sharing my love for movies and TV and placing your head on my shoulders and holding my hand with every chance you had. That was contentment Gaye. That was Heaven on Earth... just enough to do me until I find the real one with you.

I thank you for the memories of you with Deacon. Watching you care and love on him brought such a glow to me. You were such a wonderful mother. I sense there are times even today, when Deacon patiently waits for your return. It breaks my heart to see Deacon without your love. One day, I am sure he will join you....a most glorious reunion of two Angels.

Thank you for the most wonderful wedding a man could ever be so blessed to have. I thank you for somehow falling under my spell and allowing me to raise your veil and become my "True Companion" in this life. I pinch myself everyday that a woman so smart, so beautiful, so caring, could love a man like me.
Only a precious, lucky few basked in your love. God, smiled on me.

Thank you for showing me your courage and tenacity as day after day you struggled and triumphed in working past every setback and heartache which you had so bravely endured. Thank you for never letting those trials make you surrender.. for never allowing the fires of those trials to temper your spirit, hopes, and dreams into something lesser.

Thank you for the dreams of us having children which we never got to meet.

Thank you for letting me be myself. Thank you for dealing with me as I was... not as you imagined or wished me to be.

Thank you for being tolerant of my failings. Thank you for neither crushing my ego, nor allowing it to grow beyond the bounds of sense. Thank you for remaking me without ever setting out to do it. Thank you for helping me to understand my potential... for helping me accomplish more things with you than I ever could ever have dreamed alone.

Thank you for being not only my lover, but my best friend and moral compass.

Thank you for the imagination in our life. For helping me to grow in appreciation of new things. For making my life more adventurous in all things from the least to the greatest.

Thank you for the opportunity to mature.

Thank you for your dependability... for always being there when I needed you.

Thank you for your honesty, your values, your morality and compassion.

Thank you for the few and far between bad times between us because even in those, I learned to grow.

I apologize for every time I failed you... every time I lacked the understanding you so deserved.

I apologize for not being patient and kind when I should have been.

I apologize for the times when I was selfish and failed to see your needs. I have always loved you Dear, but in that love I know, at times, I let you down. I apologize for running out of the house on early weekend mornings to the gym vs cuddling in bed which you so loved to do. I thank you for your loyal and forgiving love which has always made me feel like the luckiest man ever to live.

Thank you Gaye, for gracing my life with your loving presence.. for adding the sweet measure of your soul to my own and making me complete for the very first time.

I thank you for all these things My love, and for so much more

which I have neither the strength nor the words to convey.

Per your wishes, I promise to have joy and love life

Perhaps, I will meet someone to hold my hand.
Perhaps I might even fall in love again.

(I know that is what you want)

Because of you, I know Love is not finite.

All my mistakes led me to you.

Faith, Hope and Love will see me through.

I simply owe everything to you.

I love you to the moon and back!!!!

(That is what I wished I said to her, Friday everning August 15, 2008.)

I think she knows

Hope Floats

2011-08-09T10:41:00.009-04:00

Photo I took at Montserrat, outside Barcelona in May 2011

She thought that she had never before had a chance

to realize the might, grimness and tenderness of God.

She thought that now for the first time

she began to know herself,

and she gained extraordinary hope in this

beginning of knowledge.

--James Agee--

If one ever wondered about the limits of our strength

and our ability to endure,

the experience of losing one's soul mate,

will tell you much.

Life is shaken to the Foundation and core,
and all that we Believe, Feel and Love are put to the test.

But, yet we Survive

And out of the terrible, rarefied self knowledge comes

a new found empathy with all that we encounter.

- A sense of the Wonder -
at the Suffering and the Beauty

this world has to offer.

As Grief envelopes us, we do what it takes to survive.
We tell ourselves we can't give up.
We attempt to understand the incomprehensible.
A futile grasp at making sense of the loss.

So what we have is our Faith
and the simple
realization
that

We know ourselves to be in this world,
We know we are part of this world.
We also know that it is out of our hands.
We can't manage it; we can't control it
But through the grace of God,
through the hardship, through the loss
through the tears,
We discover in our faith and lost love,
We are in the hands of ONE who can.

In this purifying and terrible wisdom,

may I feel the regenerating presence of

GOD,

for

Consolation,

and for

Hope.

A Mighty Amen

2011-07-28T16:28:00.003-04:00

Watch your way then, as a cautious traveller,

and don't be gazing at that mountain or river in the distance,

and saying, "How shall I ever get over them?"

but keep to the present little inch that is before you,

and accomplish that in the little moment that belongs to it.

The mountain and the river can only be passed in the

same way; and, when you come to them,

you will come to the light and strength that belong to them.

- M.A Kelty

A lovely lady in her old age said that the only thing

in her life she regretted was the time she had spent worrying.

I have to admit

I spend a great deal of time with worry and regret.

In my mind, I run through past scenes when Gaye

was present and dwell on the loss

and worry that life will just never sort itself out.

I worry the hollowness and emptiness within me

will never be restored.

I worry about how I will survive important dates?

Birthdays, Anniversaries, Holidays.

These will be difficult times

and there will be others I don't anticipate.

But as with the mystery of life,

I have no way of knowing what will befall me,

I like to believe it is Love, Relationships and Loss

that defines our lives.

Whether it be full of Passion or Pain,

or perhaps a mixture of both.

Nothing can fill the gap when we are away

from those we love...

We must simply hold out and win through...

It is nonsense to say God fills the Gap;

he does not fill it, but keeps it empty so that

our communion with another may be kept alive,

even at the cost of pain.

-Dietrich Bonhoeffer

It is strangely reassuring,

that the pain of that empty space will always be with me.

While I do want to feel better, I do not want, ever to forget
the love we so blessedly shared and experienced.

Accepting that fact,

Perhaps It's time to loosen my reign on

Worry and Regret

Because Gaye Lived

2011-07-20T16:38:00.003-04:00

I came across a wonderful love letter from a young man to his late wife on a blog similar to mine.
The words are so poignant. I simply understand his pain and the search for acceptance and understanding in the midst of loss and anguish. His love letter is called - Today Because You Lived -

Today, because you lived, I will be kinder to others.
Today, because you lived, I will take the time to enjoy obvious beauty but also explore the overlooked and find radiance there as well.
Today, because you lived, I will not treat this day as a day of loss, but a reminder of the value of life.
Today because you lived, I will work instead of mourn, and will do the best job I know to do.
Today because you lived, I will not squander my day to pity nor indulgence, but I will remember with a smile and still raise my glass at the end of the day.
Today, because you lived, I know how to live myself.
And so today, because you lived,

I can....and I will... as best as I know how.

I just can't believe the third Anniversary of this LGW

(Less Gaye World)

is upon me.

I have come to believe that August 22, 2008

was not the day Gaye's life was lost,

but the day of her birth

into the only world that could ever be large enough to

hold her loving, free, amazing and adventurous spirit.

Happy Third Heavenly Birthday Dear.

Not knowing what to get you, I send you a promise
that I will love today as best as I can...

Better than I knew how before there was you...

and I will remember... and I will smile.

I will smile, today because you lived.

Deacon and I enjoying a a summer night.
(After three years, I am still not accustomed to taking photos of merely me)

I will try to open my heart to life as it is now.

2011-07-12T10:46:00.004-04:00

I am slowly, painfully discovering that my refuge is not

found in my mother, my grandmother, or even in the birds

of Bear River. My refuge exists in my capacity to love.

If I can learn to love death then I can begin to find

refuge in change.

-Terry Tempest Williams

At first, it seems like a ridiculous suggestion

-"learn to love death?"

Death, isn't that the enemy?

Perhaps what Terry (and God) is asking us to do,

is to Love and embrace the Truth, to love all that is.

So, from hearts engulfed with loss, longing and Grief,

All that we love today,
can we include in the sweep

of our love even that which has caused us enormous pain?

If we can, then perhaps

we can stop being imprisoned behind walls

of denial and anger; we can stop banging

our heads and our hands against what cannot be changed.

We can then accept what has happened,

and also accept the life we have...

I can certainly tell you

I am broken and beaten down from battling Death.

It cannot be changed so why do I fight with all that I have?

I must concede the battle
and accept what has been laid before me.

Love thy Enemy?
Embrace what I have so long fought?

I will open my heart to that possibility.

With Faith, perhaps death is not my enemy,
but a portal to all that I love and cherish.
A Necessary door that opens to all that
we dare to dream.

Faith, Hope and Love pulling me through.....

2011-07-05T10:00:00.006-04:00

Charles Bridge, Prague
Where I made Gaye an Honest Women and Me, the happiest man on Earth

In the New York Times the other day I came across a commencement speech from Chris Waddell, a current Champion paralympic ski racer that had an accident which broke his back and left him paralyzed from the waist down 8 years ago. Last year, as Chris was getting out of his car and pulling his chair out, a little girl rode by, on her pink bike, streamers coming off her handle bars, she asked Chris, "What happened to your legs?" Chris told her the story in which the girl replied, "So you'll never walk again?" and Chris answered with a sad voice. "No, probably not" As she rode away, she said, "That's too bad."

Chris in reflection wish he could go back and let the little girl know; "If I never had my accident I never would have been the best in the world at anything. I wouldn't have turned a hobby into a profession. I wouldn't have acted in a soap opera. I wouldn't have met presidents and heads of state. I wouldn't be giving this speech at Middlebury College today.

But that little girl saw the tragedy;

she didn't see the potential gift.

In this Less Gaye World (LGW), I have to stop focusing on tragedy and loss. I was indeed so blessed to be the recipient of Gaye's heart. (I still can't believe she married me.) I know part of the pain I am experiencing now was part of the happiness back then. As I have said many times before, only a precious few on this earth were touched by her Spirit and Love.

Where is the Tragedy in that?

God, I was so lucky.

Out of the tragedy and loss, my gift has been the full faith I have in God today. Although, I might not understand anything, because of Gaye, I can lean on God for strength and acceptance and one day, understanding.

Faith, Hope and Love (and Deacon) - Reminding me of my gifts from Gaye everyday.

Eating and Drinking my way through Barceleona (And making Great Friends along the way)

2011-06-24T09:21:00.003-04:00

Click here to view this photo book larger

My first European trip in this LGW (Less Gaye World)

"Grief can take care of itself,

but to get the full value of joy

you must have somebody to

divide it with"

- Mark Twain

That somebody has been my friends

to help divide the grief.

I have been so blessed.

"In everyone's life, at sometime,

our inner fire goes out.

It is then burst into flame by an encounter

with another human being.

We should all be thankful for those people who

rekindle the inner spirit."

-Albert Schweitzer

"Might not be tonight, tomorrow, or the next day.... but everything's gonna be OK"

2011-06-23T16:22:00.017-04:00

Hope, Faith and Love in Spain

Candle I lit in memory of Gaye at the Cathedral of Barcelona
(Bottom Row, only candle in focus)

"Hear with your heart,
See with your soul,
Be guided by a hand that you cannot hold,
Trust even if you cannot see.
That's how faith must be."

"When you have come to the edge of all light that you know

And are about to drop off into the darkness

of the unknown,

Faith is knowing one of two things will happen:

There will be something solid to stand on

You will be taught to fly"

- Jonathon Livingston Seagull

"There is nothing that wastes the body like worry,
and one who has any faith in God should be
ashamed to worry about anything whatsoever”
- Mohatma Ghandi

"I know God will not give me anything I can't handle.
I just wish He didn't trust me so much"
- Mother Teresa

Amen

(How do folks get through life without Faith, Hope and Love?
At this juncture in my life, it is more critical than Oxygen)

GoD and my DoG love me unwaveringly. I am learning to accept this blessing...

2011-06-01T15:22:00.005-04:00

A friend sent me the below video.

I thank God everyday for

the love and affection of Deacon.

Beautiful in his simplicity

Monumental in its Comprehension.

I like to think that there is something Divine in Deacon

to remind me of the unconditional love

that God has for me

to help me cope with loss.

I know without reservation
there is a part of God reflected in Deacon...

Faith, Hope and Love licking my face everyday....

"When the Heart weeps for what it has lost, the Spirit laughs for what it has found."

2011-05-20T14:27:00.004-04:00

I love that old saying.....

The weather here in Atlanta is so unpredictable these days. 90 degrees one day - two days later, temps dive down into the 60's. One day, not a cloud in the sky - the next -a fierce storm can rip through our beloved area creating unforeseen damage.

My passage of separation from Gaye is very much like the fickle weather. One day I want to take my feelings and love to a new place, to separate from the old mournful self and graduate into someone that I strive to be. The next day, I just want to retreat and cling to what I know and have experienced.

Sue Monk Kidd says we have within us a deep longing to grow and become a new creature, but we possess an equally strong compulsion to remain the same - to burrow down in our safe, secure places.

An epic battle of light (Growth) vs. Dark (What we know).

I am in that fight - I am holding on to the self I know. A desperate clinging rises up in me. We make a valiant attempt to "save" our old life. In the words of Daniel Day Williams; "We fear it is all we have. Even its suffering are familiar and we clutch them because their very familiarity is comforting...."

Thinking about my state: What is behind my clinging? Am I trying to save my old self? Do I fear the future because I don't know what might emerge? Am I afraid to change?

Looking up the word clinging, I discovered that it comes from the Anglo-Saxon word clingan, which means "shrink." Sure enough, an undeniable connection exists between shrinking and clinging. From a spiritual perspective, clinging creates a shrinking within the soul, a shrinking of possibility and growth.

To cling to "How it was" can be overpowering.

The courage to letting go is so damn hard but I know that is what I must do.

I know:

Nothing Stays the same....

We must change forms.....

We must Grow....

We must imagine and dream the possibilities....
We must love what we had but not cling to it....

We must let go and leave the old behind....
We must hand ourselves over to God and have faith.......

With God's Grace, I pray everyday for that courage....

Not Only a Dog!

2011-05-06T15:08:00.003-04:00

A bittersweet laugh these days;

When I am out and about w/Deacon,

barely an instance goes by without someone saying

how affectionate this red hair, green eye canine is by my side.

To be perfectly honest, the affection between Deacon and I

was nothing compared to the love between Deacon and Gaye.

One of the infinitesimal wonderful memories I have of my wife

is the attention and love Gaye had for Deacon.

The bond between them was surely special and unique.

It was a bond without equal.

(I merely try to fill in as a substitute)

In fact, one of my favorite stories that epitomizes

the love and compassion that Gaye filled this world with,

was when she was talking to a close friend about

the uncompromising love and companionship that Deacon provided.

This friend, tired of hearing about Deacon, replied;

"Gaye, he is only a dog"

Gaye told me that evening that she could never see that friend

in the same light again.

Gaye would not allow the

trivialization of Deacon's Love.

Perhaps from a sign above,

(I like to think so)

I happened to read a memoir from Dean Koontz,

about the impact his dog had in his life and love and

something similar Gaye came across

Dean Koontz says it best

Some will say

"She was only a dog"

Yes, she was a dog, but not only a dog.

I am a man, but not only a man.

Sentiment is not sentimentaility,

common sense is not common ignorence,

and intuition is not superstition.

Living with a recognition of the spiritual dimension

of the world not only ensures a happier life

but also a more honest intellectual life

than if we allow no room for wonder

and refuse to acknowledge

the mystery of existance...

The life of a seamstress is no smaller

than the life of a queen,

the life of a child with Down syndrome

no less filled with promise

than the life of a philosopher,

because the only significant measure of your life is

the positive effect you have on others,

either by conscious acts of will

or by unconcious example.

Every smallest act of kindness even just words

of hope when they are needed.

has potential to change the recipient's life.

If by the example of her joy and innocence, a dog

can greatly change two lives for the better,

then no life is little, and every life is big.

The mystery of life is the source of it's wonder,

and the wonder of life is what makes it so worth living.

From the book "A Big Little Life"

I have to humbly agree with Mr. Koontz and Gaye,

Much more than a merely a Dog...

Gaye and Deacon were my Destiny.... I am so thankul

2011-04-04T11:40:00.002-04:00

The meeting of two personailities

is like the contact

of two chemical substances.

If there is any reaction, both are

transformed.

- Carl Jung -

2011-03-22T14:35:00.003-04:00

When someone puts words to an experience, it seems to help others. From the writings of C.S Lewis and the struggles of faith he encountered when the love of his life died after four short years of marriage to other bloggers that have come face to face with the bottomless pit of Grief and Mourning

- words of experience seem to comfort me.-

When reading these experiences,

I am reminded of what is most difficult to deal with right now

- the loss of memory-

I am not referring to my memory of

Gaye which happens to be emblazoned into

my heart, soul and mind.

What I am referring to is the loss of Gaye's memory.

The collection of memories that existed only in her mind;

Things only she knew;

Things only we shared;

Places we went;

Things that we laughed about;

Words Gaye and I said to each other;

Promises we made to each other;
The Colors she brought to my life;

Things that a made our love tangible and whole.

The secrets that we two only knew;

There is something about sharing secrets.

As with any couple, It made our relationship so special and unique.

The ability to share something that no one else knows about,

to me is an aspect of LOVE.

God knows how much I miss Gaye's memory,

Now it is only me that knows all those "Things".

Who really likes to keep a secret all to themselves.....

Gaye sharing a secret with Deacon

Love without End

2011-02-14T20:17:00.000-05:00

A thing of beauty is a joy for ever

Its loveliness increases; it will never

Pass into nothingness; but will keep

A bower quiet for us, and a sleep

Full of sweet dreams, and health and quiet breathing

- John Keats

Gaye's last letter to me has such profound meaning

to me these days

"I love you

without reservation

without conditions

without holding back

without beginning and

without end.

You are me heart!

Love Gaye

May, 2008

Happy Valentine's Day Baby

It is a love without end.

When I work, and in my art, I hold hands with God - Robert Mapplethorpe

2011-01-30T10:01:00.005-05:00

Henry David Thoreau once said

"Things are beautiful if you love them."

I have found a new passion recently.

Perhaps it's therapy and meditation.

Perhaps it's another way for me to express my feelings.

I can't quite pinpoint it,

but I know it does bring me spiritually closer to all that I love.

Thomas Merton wrote that

"Art enables us to find ourselves and

lose ourselves at the same time"

I have completed 13 paintings over the last 90 days.

Above and below are my two latest attempts.

" 'Twant me, 'twas the lord. I always told him,

I trust to you. I don't know where to go or what to do,

but I expect you to lead me,'

and he always did."

- Harriet Tubman

How to people get through adversity?

I guess it just comes down to trust.

Trust that the faith we hold so close will see us through.

I have discovered that each of us have our own

methods and traditions for meeting

the terrors of the uncertain future.

I have found great comfort and assurance in painting.
A feeling of warmth.
A feeling of love.
A feeling of closeness.
The Warmth, Love and Closeness
envelopes me as I paint.

The above acrylic is a crude abstract of Venice.

A place Gaye and I had planned numerous times to visit,

but Cancer would not allow.
It broke Gaye's heart to never make that trip.

Ralph Waldo Emerson said,

"In art the hand can never execute anything higher

than the heart can imagine"

I like to imagine her above St Mark's Square,
or above everywhere or anywhere we
have ever been or planned to go.
She pulling my hand out of the Darkness,
and reminding me of the three words she instilled in me,
Faith, Hope and Love

With each painting,

I inscribe on the back

"Faith, Hope, Love"

What a blessing,
for this new found outlet.
And a reminder of the Gift I had been Given.

Art is a collaboration between God and the artist,
and the less the artist does, the better.
- Andre Gilde

Amen

"Those who appreciate life the most are given the most to appreicate"

2011-01-10T18:35:00.000-05:00

As a famous sage once observed,

"It is the person who likes to pat dogs to

whom dogs come for pats.

Most of us spend our lives trying to

escape from self-centeredness.

Maybe that's the whole point, the whole challenge,

what the whole thing is all about.

Some succeed better than others.

It seems the more things you care about (outside of yourself)

the more intensely you care,

the more alive you are.

To care, you have to surrender the armor of indifference.

You have to be willing to act,

to make the first move.

It takes a great deal of courage to really care,

to love and then to lose....

life is not fair and often it is safer

not to get involved, not to care....

but in that end do we really live?

We must be willing to act, to approach,

to be absorbed, and in the absorption....

to be fulfilled.

Thank you SS for your wonderful words

of wisdom and friendship.

You are right in that it is us
that chooses the glass half full/empty throughout our lives.

Also,
Thank you for reminding me of how much my glass has runneth over!!!!

Our favorite people watching spot in Sienna

(It is indeed a full glass)

Hopeful Resolution

2011-01-04T09:51:00.003-05:00

So, here we are:

2011

To be honest, I am relieved 2010 is in the rear view mirror. It was a tough, emotional year for me. The second year of experiencing the world without the physical presence of my "North Star" to guide me. Without that Guidance, my mental makeup, outlook and optimism took a beating...

As Paula Cole says: "It is ME who is my enemy, ME who beats me up, ME who makes the Monsters, ME who strips my confidence..."

The Rev James Martin came up with 10 spiritual learnings that he wished he adopted years ago.

First up, Stop worrying so much! it's useless (I.e. Jesus was right.)
Being a saint means being yourself. Stop trying to be someone else and just be your best self. Saves you heartache.
There's no right way to pray, any more than there's a right way to be a friend. What's "best" is what works best for you.
Your deepest, most heartfelt desires are God's desires for you. And vice versa. Listen. And follow them.
Within you is the idea of your best self. Act as if you were that person and you will become that person, with God's grace.
Don't worry to much about the worst that can happen. Even if it happens, God is with you, and you can handle it. Really.
You can't force people to approve of you, agree with you, be impressed with you, love you or even like you. Stop trying.
When we compare, we are usually imagining someone else's life falsely. So our real-life loses out. I.e. Compare and despair
Seven things to say frequently: I love you. Thank you. Thank you, God. Forgive me. I'm so happy for you! Why not? Yes.
Peace and joy come after asking God to free you -- from anything that keeps you from being loving and compassionate.

So here's to 2011 and to Re-Discovering Hope, Love and Optimism.

Deacon investigating the early morning Fog at the lake

I am certain my spiritual North Star is pulling for me.....

Get out of my own way.....

2010-12-28T09:39:00.002-05:00

If you are Brave enough to Leave

behind everything familiar

and comforting, which can be anything

from your house to bitter, old resentments....

...and to set out on a truth-seeking journey

either Externally or Internally,

and if you are truly willing to

regard everything that happens to you

on that journey as a clue,

and if you accept everyone you meet

along the way as a Teacher

and if you are prepared, most of all,

to face and forgive some very

difficult realities about yourself

then the truth will not be withheld from you.

Liz Gilbert

Eat, Pray, Love

The Rev. Susan Sparks once said

"Just get out of the way and let Jesus do his work"

What great advice for life.

Oh, we can put up a whole lot of blocks to the spirit.

Things like

Anger, Negativity, Fear, Doubt, Resentment, Sadness.

These emotions weigh us down!

We all have a spirit that yearns for joy and lightness -

a spirit that yearns to soar!

But then life gets in the way.....

In my microcosm, Dreams have been destroyed,

Hopes dashed, Spirits crushed.

Life has become Flat, Heavy and Bleak.

With the new year upon me,

Here is to

new Hopes, new Dreams and new Possibilities.

Perhaps, I need to just get out of my own way and

let the lord do his work.

A chance to start again...

(With help from above)

Amen.

One of my recent Paintings.
I have found a new Passion!

My Special Christmas Gift....

2010-12-20T10:38:00.006-05:00

Here we go, another Holiday season. For the first time in the LGW (Less Gaye World), I have put up a Christmas tree and actually decorated the house. It is a beautiful tree with all the trimmings that Deacon and I are quite proud of! Could this be a sign of healing? Of course, I still shed a tear most days. But the tears are ones of great feeling and emotion and I mean that in a very positive and constructive way.

Because of Gaye,

I have come to understand, appreciate and fully envelope

Love and Compassion.

I read the below quote often to remind me of the love I shared and the blessing I had....

"Grief can destroy you --or focus you. You can decide a relationship was all for nothing if it had to end in death, and you alone. OR you can realize that every moment of it had more meaning than you dared to recognize at the time, so much meaning it scared you, so you just lived, just took for granted the love and laughter of each day, and didn't allow yourself to consider the sacredness of it. But when it's over and you're alone, you begin to see that it wasn't just a movie and a dinner together, not just watching sunsets together, not just scrubbing a floor or washing dishes together or worrying over a high electric bill. It was everything, it was the why of life, every event and precious moment of it. The answer to the mystery of existence is the love you shared sometimes so imperfectly, and when the loss wakes you to the deeper beauty of it, to the sanctity of it, you can't get off your knees for a long time, you're driven to your knees not by the weight of the loss but by gratitude for what preceded the loss. And the ache is always there, but one day not the emptiness, because to nurture the emptiness, to take solace in it, is to disrespect the gift of life."
— Dean Koontz (Odd Hours)

I like to think that is Gaye's present to me for this Christmas,
Love and Compassion.

I couldn't ask for a better Gift!!!!

Two perfect Christmas Gifts
Gaye had just completed a Stem Cell transplant the day before this pic
which had kept her in the hospital for over 20 days.
It was a wonderful Homecoming.

Amazing Grace

2010-12-13T09:54:00.003-05:00

"What we do differently today will have

changed the past for people in the future"

Those words are the introduction to Stephanie Ann Paulk's Blog. An Artist, Writer, Poet, Performer, Attorney and Wife, Stephanie seemed to be such a unique individual. Stephanie died a couple weeks ago at the age of 35 from Brain Cancer. I had read about her passing in the obituary section of the AJC. (Us widowers look at the Obituary daily to see who is joining the club).

A beautiful looking girl, I was awestruck at her story and life and how she had handled her illness with such strength and grace since 2001. (Yes, she does remind me of someone!)

I never had the pleasure of meeting Stephanie - I think a loss for everyone that had not experienced her courageous spirit and love. Through Reading her Blogs, Poems and writings - I DO get a sense of who she was and continues to be.

I Like to think that certain people are truly a Gift from the Grace of God. A gift that immeasurably changes our lives and defines who we are. Those that have been loved and touched by these gifts are in my mind, the Lucky Ones. Tell me who wouldn't want to be touched by an Angel? Yes, indeed, we are the Lucky Ones!

No, I never met you Stephanie - but I do know that your life, passions and spirit carries on in those that were blessed to have been loved by you. What a Wonderful and Special Gift you were.

I like to believe you might even have a new Soul Sister on the other side.

Shadows and Sunlight

2010-11-30T12:48:00.009-05:00

Photo of Castelo de Meleto Church, Chianti, Italy
From our Honeymoon

Each Substance of Grief hath twenty Shadows.

- William Shakespeare

They are everywhere....

The reminders of loss.

They ricochet off one another,
fill the empty spaces of my life.

I was at the airport the other day and happened to fixate on

a tall slender woman with
exquisite high cheek bones and flawless complexion.

I could not take my eyes off this other girl last week that had

Striking, Long, Raven Black hair.

I was watching TV this weekend and came across an actress with a

nose so similar it mesmerized me.

I had a dream last night that her hand held mine....

Each reminder is a shadow,
an anvil of loss, sadness and longing...

A distant memory that is beyond my touch.

God, I infinitely miss her
Companionship and Conversation.

But these Reminders are also Sunlight -

Wonderful, Life Giving Sunlight.

A Reminder of what a Gift and Blessing I had.

A Reminder of a Love without end.

I believe my Salvation will be discovered in this Sunlight.

I guess you can't have one without the other.

There would be no shadow without sunlight behind it!

With that fact, I'll accept both....
and pray the Sunlight beams through....

Nothing gold can stay

2010-11-23T15:27:00.000-05:00

Nature's first green is gold,

Her hardest hue to hold.

Her early leaf's a flower;

But only so an hour.

Then leaf subsides to leaf.

So Eden sank to grief,

So dawn goes down to day.

Nothing gold can stay.

- Robert Frost

A Blessing

2010-11-04T12:51:00.004-04:00

My journey of grief has hit a valley the last couple days.

With the passing of Gaye's mother, the flood of emotions,

sadness, mourning and emptiness has hit with Gail force winds

upon my rickety, small boat of Hope, Faith and Love.

A new friend provided me with the below words of encouragement:

Today-let's both acknowledge a couple of the most
important blessings that we are grateful for.
Let's focus on those thoughts and make it a sunny day!

With that, I pulled a letter Gaye gave me this month, 6 years ago.

Dearest Tripp,
November 10, 2001 - was the happiest day of my life - up until that point in my life - because I met you (roast beef and all), and my whole world changed for the better! You were such an unexpected and wonderful gift! Every day with you has been a blessing!

November 24,2003 - was the happiest day of my life - up until that point in my life - because you held my hand as we walked along a small street in Prague (Store front to be forgotten thank you), and you asked me to "make it official" - to marry you. I remember the look on your face, the beat of my heart - I remember the unbelievable happiness I felt.

May 15, 2004 - was the happiest day of my life - up until that point in my life - because you said "I do" and became my husband. I never knew I could feel such joy, love and hope.

Really, there are so many happy days in my life now because you are in my life now.- you are part of my heart. I am grateful for every moment I have with you - that I can share my life and my love with you!

Never forget how happy you make me- never forget how much I love you in all times - and never forget how proud I am to be your wife!!!!

All my Love, Gaye

I am so grateful and blessed for what God has given me. I need to
acknowledge I was given the greatest gift of all - Gaye's Love.
(As I write this, the sun has poked through for the first time on a very dreary and ugly day)

I cherish that blessed Love.

Thank you JM for reminding me of my tremendous blessings and how lucky I am!

Gaye and I in Costa Rica. Our last trip togther.

A less Vibrant World today.....

2010-11-03T11:53:00.004-04:00

My Wife of 57 years was buried today beside our son,

who died in 1941 as a result if a truck accident when

he was hitchhiking to take a job. She has longed for him

all these years and know she is with him.

I know they are embraced in happiness.

- Terry Kay

Gaye's mother passed away this morning.

Rosalie Gwinn was such a special lady.

Another tragic and mournful loss of a beautiful life....
Of a Life that has helped so many people.

Faith and Understanding being put to the test once again.....

Elisabeth Kubler-Ross who has done much

work on Death and Dying and for which I have read

many of her books,

says without a doubt,

- None of Us Die Alone -

Our loved ones come to greet us,

to welcome us to the other side.

I remember when Gaye died, thinking how much

my father and sister, who died many years ago,

would have loved and embraced Gaye getting to know her.
To offset my longing, I hope they have.

I pray for peace and acceptance today
of a hopeful knowledge
that Gaye and Rosalie are re-united and the bonds
of mother and child have been re-connected.
Please let it be so....

My heart so heavy,

I almost want to be with them.

No, don't worry, I am in no particular hurry.

I take the naive risk of believing in hope and seeing
where it leads me.
(I guess I can blame Gaye for this Naivety of Hope)

Someday.... I think, when I am feeling confident in my

Faith and God and recalling all the loved ones I have lost....

The thought of rejoining the loves of my "Life"
is a thought I truly cherish.

No rejoicing now though...

Just the simple, cold, hard fact of another vibrant and loving
life taken by cancer.

F@#k You Cancer

I think that says it all.....

Get Busy Living.... (Movie Mysticism)

2010-11-01T09:23:00.005-04:00

I have to remind myself that some birds

are never meant to be caged.

Their feathers are just too bright,

and when they fly away,

the part of you, that knows

it was a sin to lock them up,

does Rejoice!

But still,
the place you live in,
is that much more drab and empty that they are gone.

I guess I just miss my friend....

- Red,

The Shawshank Redemption

Remember Red,

Hope is a good thing,

maybe the the best of things,

and know a good thing never dies.

-Andy Dufresne

The Shawshank Redemption

I understand know more than ever why Gaye and I

loved that movie so much.

I hope that God has let Gaye's wings finally soar

I hope.......

On a side note:

Happy Birthday GLS Jr.!

I like to believe you and G are having one heck of a time together.

Celebration of a Life and a Love

2010-10-15T10:06:00.013-04:00

Happy Birthday Gaye!

I miss saying that.

Deacon and I will be doing something special today to celebrate

a Life and Love that changed our lives infinitely

to the better.

I came across a letter Gaye gave me early in our courtship..

She had sent me this note while I was off on a business trip.

Dear Tripp,

Obviously, you won't get this until
Monday Morning, but right now you are two
hours from landing in Atlanta,
and I felt this sentimental
urge to tell you how much I've missed you this weekend...
to tell you how much
you mean to me after so short a time.
Last night - the sky
was so clear and the moon was full and beautiful.
I thought about you - in Boston,

maybe looking at the same moon -
thinking about looking at

many moons with you - of sunrises -
or anything so magical.

Throughout the weekend, my mind would

drift to thoughts of you -
and my heart just feels so full of joy!

I can't wait to see you tonight-

I can't wait to be in your arms again!

Love,

Gaye

I know deep in my heart that Gaye is taking my

spiritual hand and pulling me forward.

I also know, the love she showed me has prepared this soul

to love again and embrace life without fear.

Her Birthday, yet she is still giving ME gifts.....

Happy Birthday Darling, Deacon and I love you so much.
(I am still looking at the moon...)

The Heart is the only Broken Instrument that Works

2010-10-13T10:54:00.004-04:00

All the wonderful things in life are so simple that

one is not aware of their wonder

until they are beyond touch.

Never have I felt the wonder and beauty and joy of life

so keenly as now in my grief that my love

is not here to enjoy them.

- Isak Dinesen

I think

these difficult times have helped me to undertsand

better than before how infinitely rich and beautiful life

is in every way and that so many things that one

goes around worrying about are of

no importance whatsoever.

This Friday, Gaye would have been 46 years old.
Deacon and I will celebrate the LOVE we were so blessed to have.
Yes, indeed, I do now know the
Wonder, the Beauty, the Joy of LIFE.
I now Understand what is Important.
The Cost of this Wisdom has been great.

Death leaves a heartache no one can heal,

love leaves a memory no one can steal

- from a Headstone in Ireland

The Mystery of Life and Death

2010-10-06T14:45:00.009-04:00

All that we do

Is touched with ocean, yet we remain

On the shore of what we know.

-Richard Wilbur

With the Death of Gaye,

I yearn to know more.

What happens after Life?

Could it actually be the end?
In the spiritual power of faith, hope and love,
I want to believe the end of life is just the beginning.

But what is that like?

Does Gaye know my life today?

Does she know how much I love and miss her?
I do know she is finally free from the pain.
I also know, if there is a God,
her spiritual, caring and loving soul has been set free
from the limitations set by Life.
Gaye certainly earned it.
Never a Heart so True.

I yearn to know more....

What I can be fairly sure of,
from my own experiences and from experiences of others,
is that there is more going on in the universe
than we can detect with our five senses.

Of course, I will never know the answers to these questions,
but I play with them from time to time,
and trust that I will learn what I need to
know when I need to know it.

So in the meantime,
I stand on the shore and wonder....

....And have Faith
of a Soul set free....

True Companion

2010-09-24T11:11:00.007-04:00

Deacon, Clancy and Sunny at the Lake house

I asked for strength that I might rear him perfectly ;

I was given weakness that I might feed him more treats.

I asked for a low maintenance dog
that I might rest easy;

I was given a "special needs" dog
that I might know nurturing.

I asked for compliance that I might feel masterful;

I was given a clown that I might laugh.

I asked for a companion that I might not feel lonely;

I was given a best friend that I would feel loved.

I got nothing I asked for,

But everything that I needed.

On Deacon's, 2nd Birthday, I created a coffee table book of Deacon photos for Gaye. The above poem was attached to the last page. I cannot contemplate where I would be be without the uncompromising love and true companionship of Deacon over the last two years. I owe Deacon my life, my love, my soul as I move forward in this less Gaye world. I thank God everyday for the Gift Gaye picked out for me.

As her friends and Family knew, Deacon was Gaye's baby - I see her love, I feel her warmth, I sense Gaye's spirit, in my loving dog's embrace. Deacon's love sustains me. Gaye would have been so proud of our Green Eyed Canine - realizing the full potential of this now adult Vizsla and witnessing how many people he has helped being a Certified Pet Therapy Dog at local Hospitals.

Suffice to say, Deacon has brought smiles to

hundreds of patients over the last couple years.

Add to that list, one life saved.....

Happy 5th Birthday Deacon,
My True Companion.

Gaye Loving on Deacon

The Healing powers of Nature and Faith........

2010-09-20T16:20:00.003-04:00

View of from my backyard at Yellowstone during Labor Day 2010
Appropriately named Lone Peak

"The light died in the low clouds. Falling snow drank in

the dusk. Shrouded in silence, the branches wrapped me

in their peace. When the boundaries were erased,

once again the wonder:

that I exist.

-Dag Hammerskjold

Can it be in the wake of great sorrow,

when we become attuned and sensitized to all experiences,

and the mysteries at the edges of life,
we are more able than at other times to feel a kind
of unifying pulse with all that is?

Soaking in the beautiful landscape around
Yellowstone and Big Sky this past Labor Day,
I remember there being an almost tangible connection
between me and the mountain peaks and the
stars above that shone in the night sky.

This new found tenderness toward creation and nature
is a gift that came at a very high price.

Perhaps this is a new kind of expanded consciousness evoked
by me reaching out into the universe for what I have lost:

Where are you?
Do you feel me?
Do you see me standing here, thinking of you?
I love you, I know you know that!
I miss you so much!

On and on it goes, this make believe
mournful conversation with Gaye.
And yet, in the unity of life and all that is,
I get a sensation deep within my soul to have
Faith and Trust....

who knows who is speaking
and who is listening?

I thank God for this sensation and the healing powers of Nature.
It greatly comforts me....

Our Destination on the first Hike

Crusade to Understand (Part 2)

2010-09-13T17:19:00.002-04:00

Just a small picture of the full painting (I pray life is like that)

When I lay my questions before God, I get no answer.

But rather a special sort of No answer.

It is not the locked door

It is more like a silent, certainty

not uncompassionate, gaze.

As though He shook His Head not in refusal

but in waiving the question.

Like,

"Peace, child: you don't understand."

-C.S. Lewis

Listening to the sermon at my church yesterday,

Dr Watson expressed that sadness comes from trying to

understand life on our terms and not God's.

As I mentioned before, sometimes our greatest hope

is that we don't understand. With my sadness,
At times I feel the futility of life and the
apparent finality of Death. It can simply be overwhelming.

A small comfort comes to me in that my understanding is limited.

Perhaps I stand too close?

Gaye and I had planned two trips to Rome but
Cancer would not release it's grip.

She was extremely excited to show me the Sistine Chapel.

Gaye had been twice before but never with a lover.
She simply wanted to hold my hand as we gazed up
at Michelangelo's painting.
(Ohh, the simple things in life I dearly miss)

To fully view the magnificent painting of

"The Creation of Adam" in the Sistine Chapel,

one must step far back at a great distance to

capture the full majestic beauty of this genius

Perhaps, in relation to life

I need to take a step back.
Hopefully, I am only looking at the

two fingertips touching and not the full canvas?

A very small piece of the whole picture that God has created.

Having no alternative...My greatest hope is that I don't understand.

Crusade to Understand

2010-08-31T11:34:00.002-04:00

In an earlier entry, I had mentioned that after time,

we begin to ask God

"What Now?" vs. "Why?"

I have to be honest though,

I have been on a quixotic quest for meaning and understanding.

Of course, on the surface, there are no answers to be found.

So we lean on Faith and God for some sense of peace and hope

that life in this world is merely an appetizer for our full course of

what lies beyond Death. When you lose the love of your life,

you pray with such intensity for some level of Understanding and Grace.

-GRACE-

Grace came in the form of my Mother this past Friday night.

As she was over for dinner, out of the blue, she said to me

"You know Tripp, I believe God put
you and Gaye together

in order for you to be by her side through
all the struggles she had.

She could not have fought without you"

For the first time in this LGW (Less Gaye World)

I sense a plane of understanding.

Perhaps God chose me to

Meet, Fall in Love and be at Gaye's side through her fight?
Could this have been my chosen path?
If it is, I wouldn't want to have taken any other road.

Reading the book "Markings" from Dag Hammarskjold
this past weekend, I came across the below passage

Tired

And lonely,

The heart aches.

The fingers are numb,

The knees tremble,

It is now,

Now, that you must not give in.

This is your path,

And it is now,

Now, that you must not fail.

Weep

If you can,

Weep,

But do not complain.

The way chose you---

And you must be thankful.

Perhaps, (God) The way chose me.... for Gaye

And perhaps, this path leads to meaning....

Thanks Mom, for guiding me!

2010-08-29T20:06:00.000-04:00

Gaye with Deacon's cousin, Sampson

Last night I dreamed I held you in my arms

The music was never-ending

We danced as the evening sky faded to black

One step up and two steps back

-Bruce Springsteen

Requiem for my Love

2010-08-22T18:53:00.123-04:00

Gaye and I in Prague

Two years ago today, this world became less Gaye.
I pray everyday that Heaven became more Translucent.

The below passage is from, "Man's Search for Meaning."
The book is written by Viktor Frankl,
who spent time in four different concentration
camps during the Holocaust.
While he survived,
he lost his parents, brother and pregnant wife.
In the midst of extreme suffering,
Viktor found meaning through the love of his wife.

"... for the first time in my life I saw the truth as it is set into song by so many poets, proclaimed as the final wisdom by so many thinkers. The truth -- that love is the ultimate and the highest goal to which man can aspire. I grasped the meaning of the greatest secret that human poetry and human thought and belief have to impart: The salvation of man is through love and in love. I understood how a man who has nothing left in this world still may know bliss, be it only for a brief moment, in the contemplation of his beloved... My mind still clung to the image of my wife. I didn't know if she was still alive. I knew only one thing: Love goes very far beyond the physical person of the beloved. It finds its deepest meaning in his spiritual being, his inner self...nothing could touch the strength of my love, my thoughts, and the image of my beloved. Had I known then that my wife was dead, I think that I would still have given myself, undisturbed by that knowledge, to the contemplation of her image, and that mental conversation with her would have been just as vivid and just as satisfying... Set me like a seal upon thy heart, love is as strong as death."

- Love is as strong as Death -
What a powerful Passage!

When everything is dark - when I am surrounded by sadness,

I will find salvation in the remembered love of Gaye and I.

A love that is a living force that sustains me in the present.

Through memory,

love transcends time and death

and offers hope for my life.

Indeed, part of the pain now

was part of the happiness then.

I wouldn't trade my pain, my sadness, my loneliness

for all the treasures in the world

if it meant removing the source (Gaye)

That deal is non-negotiable.....

My pain, My sadness, My loneliness
Can't match the strength of Love.

Through Gaye, I too have found
meaning.

A Bittersweet Blessing....

Why fear the Dark and Unknown?

2010-08-18T10:04:00.011-04:00

In the dark, Gaye walking Home in Italy

If God is, He is everywhere present.

He is not an occasional visitor,

nor ever more truly present than at this very instant.

He is always ready to flow into our heart;

indeed, He is there now - it is we who are absent.

- Arthur Foote

This Sunday, will be 2 years living without

the physical beauty, love and companionship of Gaye.
It has been a helluva week for me emotionally.
Loss and Living without takes a toll.
The Unknown.....

The future seems so damn sad

in this LGW (Less Gaye World)

I have written a great deal about Faith and the

constant struggle to maintain it during those many

Dark Nights of the Soul.

There are some days where one just wants to give up the fight and

accept that Hope and Happiness
will no longer be part of the vocabulary.

Why go on....?

The struggle and fight are so damn exhausting.

Can't I just give up and allow
Despair, Regret, Guilt, Bitterness and Self Pity
take over and control my life?

- GAYE -

Her Love is what keeps me fighting.

When I am feeling alone and cut off from all sources of support.

In times of extreme stress, sadness and self pity, I tell myself that

"God and Gaye are within me"

I have FAITH that this is true.

I read that the journey of faith is like

walking toward home in the dark.
There is no light to see by,
but we grope our way in this familiar
yet unfamiliar world, turning where the road turns,
moving toward what we know must be there.
Though we can't see ahead,
the ground beneath our feet feel right,
and as we approach a door that surely must be there,
someone inside, someone we love,
turns on the light to welcome us home.

Down deep in my heart and soul,
I have a certain craving and knowledge that
God and Gaye are within me.
What more do I need to fight the Dark and Unknown?

How can Hope and Happiness not be possible?

God and Gaye will be welcoming me home.
That is my FAITH.

Gaye touching my heart with her hand.
(Still doing that today)

2010-08-06T15:30:00.001-04:00

There is not enough darkness in all the world to put out the light of one small candle....

This inscription was found on a small, new gravestone after a devastating air raid on Britain in WWII. Some thought it must be a famous quotation, but it wasn't. The words were written by a lonely old woman whose beloved dog had been killed by Nazi bombs. I have always remembered those words, not so much for their poetry and imagery as for the truth they contain. In moments of discouragement, defeat or even despair, there are always certain things to cling to. Little things, usually: remembered laughter, the face of a sleeping child, a tree in the wind....in fact, any reminder of something deeply felt or dearly loved.

No man is so poor as not to have many of these small candles.

When they are lighted, darkness goes away...and a touch of wonder remains.

One of Gaye's confidantes and a great friend to me
over the last two years sent this wonderful message.

Your words of encouragement have shine a light
through the darkness.
Thanks SS!

Through this experience, I will find in myself new strength and wisdom - perhaps, even, new joy.

2010-08-04T10:01:00.001-04:00

You can shed tears that she is gone,

or you can smile because she has lived.

You can close your eyes and pray that she'll come back,

or you can open your eyes and see all she's left.

Your heart can be empty because you can't see her,

or you can be full of the love you shared.

You can ...turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday,

or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday.

You can remember her only that she is gone,

or you can cherish her memory and let it live on.

You can cry and close your mind, be empty and turn your back.

Or you can do what she'd want:

Smile,

Open your Eyes,

Love and

Go On.

-Anonymous

Whenever Gaye and I traveled to a new country, it felt strange and unfamiliar - but in the end, it opened our eyes to adventure, love and beauty. I find myself , once again in a new and unfamilar country, but now without Gaye. I have to have faith, even in my sadness, that adventure, love and beauty is there for me to experience. I just need to open my eyes and heart!

HOME

2010-08-02T17:03:00.004-04:00

Gaye and I in Central Park, NYC

Gaye kept a journal over the course of the last two years

of her life which has been such a source of

inspiration and strength for me.

Quite frankly, I hate reading it because

my heart just hurts too much to absorb her words,

see her writing and feel her pain.

One of her last entries was a time when she just returned from

a lengthy stay at Emory

Good Day:
Home!

I love being home.

It's hard; I'm scared - a lot ahead of me; long road.

But I'm going to take each step w/ God's grace and

family's love.

Thank You God - for the love of my family. Thank you!

She goes on to say writing in the middle of the night...

Good night - a little stiff + back pain. Tough to find a

(good) position, but Deacon and Tripp were great.

Got to rub T's Back and pet Deacon

and watch my boys sleep.

So glad to be home.....

After 23+ months living in this LGW (Less Gaye World)
I have come to the conclusion that I should no longer ask GOD,

Why?

My new Question to GOD is,

What Now?

With my dreams shattered and my heart broken into a million pieces,
I know I must pick myself up,

I know I must move forward.

I know I can't go back...
I know I can't stay here...
I know I must go forward....
(If I say it enough, can it happen?)

"There may be some good things in the past that you wish you could go back to, but in the end you have to let those go." Dr Ray Pritchard

But it is just so damn hard to let go...

Where in this lonely world
do we find the courage to go forward?

Perhaps I'll find the strength
in Gaye's own words:

It's hard; I'm scared - a lot ahead of me; long road.

But I'm going to take each step w/ God's grace.....

Thank you God - for the love of my Gaye - Thank you!

I pray with every fiber in my soul that
Gaye is finally HOME.

The thought greatly comforts me.

The Good Things.......

2010-07-22T10:02:00.003-04:00

One of the good things... engagement night in Prague

People in mourning have to come to grips with death

before they can live again. Mourning can go on for years

and years. It doesn't end after one or two years;

that's a false fantasy. It usually ends when people

realize that they can live again,

that they can concentrate their energies

on their lives as a whole,

and not on their hurt, and guilt and pain.

-Elisabeth Kubler-Ross

The question before me,

how can I incorporate my grief and loss,

so that it does not continue to dominate my life?
How can I get to that stage in my life

that it is no longer the first thing I think

of when I wake up in the morning,

or the last thing I relinquish before I sleep?

I heard a story where a child said to his mother,

in regard to the outpouring of kindness after his

father's death,

"There are so many good things,
There's just one bad thing."

There were an infinite amount of good things

between Gaye and I.

I was so blessed.

That "One Bad thing" will always be there,

but I pray everyday that it begins to take its

place among the infinitesimal good things so I can

appreciate and cherish the life I am experiencing.

I am doing my best baby.......

P.S.

I heard a widower the other day

say on his birthday about the prospect of getting old and

being alone.

"Just one day closer to seeing Mable"

-Referring to his late wife-

God, I love that.....

The Sunday Sermon

2010-07-11T19:26:00.003-04:00

You do not have to sit outside in the dark,

if, however, you want to look at the stars,

you will find that darkenss is required

The stars neither require it nor demand it.

- Annie Dillard

My take away from the sermon today -

Life can be a beautiful experience

Don't be afraid to step into the unknown.
The Whole World is outside
See it,
Feel it,
Experience it.
Take a chance.......

( I know who wants me to)

Ramblings during a Meltdown....

2010-07-08T09:27:00.016-04:00

Gaye in Vienna

Real grief is not healed by time... If time does anything,

it deepens my grief. The longer I live, the more fully

I become aware of who she was for me, and the more

intimately I experience what her love meant for me.

Real, deep love is, as you know, very unobtrusive,

seemingly easy and obvious, and so present that we

take it for granted. Therefore, it is often only

in retrospect - or - better, in memory -

that we fully realize its power and depth.

Yes, indeed, LOVE often makes

itself visible in PAIN.

- Henri Nouman

As I write this, I am feeling the deep depths of despair and sadness.

Twenty-two plus months without.

Gaye's absence has magnified the Love and Life we had.
-Loss-

That word takes on a whole new meaning these days

New insights have awakened,

New appreciations have developed,

New yearnings have materialized,

All within me

in this less Gaye world (LGW)
Gaye's death has forced me to grow;
God, I wish that she could
see my growth that
has resulted from her death

As the writer describes it,

"Yes, indeed LOVE often makes itself visible in PAIN"

A bittersweet education that I can't share

with my best friend.
That is what destroys me to no end.

I can't share and experience it with Gaye.

God, I hate Grief.....

I will never understand why Gaye had to die and I had to live.

There is no reason for it, I guess.

Death is just Death,

no one understands it.

Once upon a time,

I was put on this earth to find and fall in love with Gaye.

The fairy tale came true.

How Privileged and Blessed was I .....

I still pray for the Happily ever after

You better be putting Gaye to good use up there.....

Words to Cling to......

2010-06-28T23:31:00.005-04:00

Northside Methodist Church

Yesterday, I attended the service at Northside Methodist Church for the second time in the last 45 days. Gaye and I were married here so it holds a a unique and very special place in my heart. Dr. Gil Watson, who married us, was on vacation so the Church had an ole friend provide the sermon, Rev. Bill Floyd. From what I undertsand , Rev. Floyd has a tremendous reputation, so I was looking forward to hearing his sermon. I was not disappointed. Rev. Floyd must be in his eighties - in other words, he has seen a great deal in his christian walk and life. Towards the end of his simply wonderful and hopeful message, he stated "I have seen many of my friends, fellow congregation members and family put in a box. (He is referring to Dieing). "At my stage in life, I am more sure than I have ever been, that people of God, will never see their friends and family for the last time"

A blessed and divine affirmation that comforts this weary soul!

A Mighty Amen......

2010-06-20T17:07:00.002-04:00

help me.

show me that

I can love with

out

fears, frustrations,

falsehoods, hesitations

and

regret

Show me the

face of god

once again.

can lightning strike twice?
can my life roll another 7?
can luck be a lady again?

why can't it be?

I have to

hope

that

something

extraordinary

possibile.

2010-06-17T22:08:00.007-04:00

A night of Drinking.

Flirting

Like ole times

Superficial

to the

Core

Attempting

Get

with

"Life"

The forgetting

is difficult.

The remembering,

Worse.

(Our Honeymoon in Tuscany)

Life with Gaye

The remembering, Worse.

True Love Clarifies and never dissipates.

Love is the Bridge.

Love will be my savior.

Gaye showed me the way.

I thank God Every Day.

Growing

2010-06-08T15:51:00.016-04:00

and

through

all the tears

and the sadness

and the

pain

come the

one thought

that can

make

me internally

smile again:

have

loved
(Gaye)

Words of Encouragement and Hope

2010-06-07T15:44:00.004-04:00

Part of a letter Given to Gaye on Ash Wednesday, February 25th 1998.
We have no reason to mistrust our world. If it has terrors, they are our terrors, if it has abysses, these abysses belong to us. If there are griefs, we must try to love them... Don't observe yourself too closely. Don't be too quick to draw conclusions from what happens to you; simply let it happen. What now appears to us as the most alien, will become our most intimate and trusted experience...
Why do you want to shut out of your life any uneasiness, any misery, since after all, you don't know what work these conditions are doing inside you? Perhaps everything that frightens us is, in its deepest essence, something helpless that wants our love.
So you mustn't be frightened if a sadness rises up in front of you, larger than any you have ever seen. You must realize that something is happening to you, that life has not forgotten you, that it holds you in its hand and will not let you fall. -- Rainer Maria Rilke

In that same letter:
Carl Jung used to really astonish people socially when he'd respond to the fact that they were were going through something hard or painful, something we'd consider "bad". He would get excited and say "Oh Good, something is really happening to you, something is emerging. That's wonderful!"

I thank God and Gaye for finding this letter today!

Throwing the Hope Switch ON

2010-06-03T14:53:00.014-04:00

Sunrise at Haleakala National Park, HI

5-15-06

Dear Tripp,

This is the time to celebrate our life together;
to remember the joys we've shared and the

memories we've created. There are so many joys

and memories and moments that always

bring a smile to my face and happiness to my heart!

The night we first met; the first time you seduced

me (haha); our many travels together...

Hawaii (Morning sunrise on Haleakala),

NYC, Prague and our engagement, Paris,

Tuscany, Atlantis, Cabo

- so many - and hopefully more to come;

our time with friends and family and Deacon.

But, just as joyful to me are the moments, when it's
just us doing nothing special;
just living...breathing together.

                                 I love you!
                                 Happy #2!
                                         Gaye

Gaye wrote this letter to me just one month
before she was diagnosed... We were so filled
with Love and Hope and our endless possibilities...
(Another tip from Tripp - never...ever...never
take anything for granted,  You can never say
"I Love you" too much, because you never
know when you won't be able to say it anymore)

Over the last couple years, Hope has seemed
a distant friend to me...I have discovered that
there is no substitute for hope.
Joy and laughter may help it but they
cannot replace it. Life is so difficult and I
would say impossible to endure without it.
The question for me, How do I sustain hope
during this chaotic disjuncture of the Universe?
How can I build hope when I feel so low,
and how can I find it when it has disappeared?

I wish I had the answer.

What I can tell myself:
The future is uncertain,
which means that it can go in more than one direction.
Is it possible for things to turn out better than I
can imagine? We humans are creatures of imagination.
We can envision the worse at our low point, but then again,
on a good day, I can imagine that this journey has prepared me
for something truly special.
I do dream and pray that HOPE will find a
loving home once again in my heart and soul.
I may not be sure how or when I'll will get it back,
(Patience has never been my virtue)
but my heart and faith tells me if I remain receptive
to that possibility, I can then at least hope to hope,
and that will get me through another day
in this less Gaye World.

I want to believe that for every love lost,
God gives you more love to share.

I am Keeping my Hope switch ON,

Gaye and I at Sunrise on Haleakala

2010-05-18T15:56:00.001-04:00

Gaye and Katie Stevens

"Don't Cry because it's over.

Smile because it happened."

- Theodore Seuss Geisel (Dr Seuss)

I really need to start following my advice.......

A Bottle of Liquor, Getting in the fetal position, Crying all night

2010-05-15T16:11:00.010-04:00

That was the reply to a good friend who asked what I was doing tonight.
Today would have been our 6th Wedding Anniversary,
The 2nd Anniversary in the LGW (Less Gaye World)

As Frank Sinatra once said
"I'm for whatever gets you through the night."

We all have ways to dealing with pain. I fully understand how one can get completely and totally engulfed by sorrow and sadness. "The sorrow for the dead is the only sorrow from which we refuse to be divorced. Every other wound we seek to heal, every other affliction to forget; but this wound we consider it a duty to keep open; this affliction we cherish and brood over in solitude.".
- Washington Irving

I find it extremely difficult to let sorrow go. This sorrow and sadness is my connection to Gaye. In my mind, sorrow allows me to hold on and keep Gaye close. I dare not lose that bond.

I had two extremely vivid dreams this past week. In both situations, Gaye was still alive. I was getting ready to board a plane to Europe for a very long trip from which I would not return. As I was being told to board the plane, I discovered that I did not have any luggage or bags or money for that matter, On top of that, Gaye was no where to be found. I didn't know where she was. Fear set in and I began to panic not knowing what to do. Should I stay and look for Gaye or go ahead and get on the plane and perhaps leave Gaye behind? Just before total and utter paralalization from fear, I was given a phone with someone on the other end. Being in total panic mode not knowing what to do and having great fear that I would be in complete isolation from Gaye if I made the wrong decision, The woman on the phone, chuckled and calmly responded that Gaye was waiting to join up with me at my next destination. "Now go ahead and get on that plane, there is nothing to worry about. Everything is going be OK!."

Attempting to understand and find reason, I interpreted the dream as someone telling me to just let go of my sorrow and fears, stop worrying about living a life in a LGW.
Everything is going to be OK.
It is OK to let go of the sorrow
It is OK to let go of the sadness
It is OK to let go of my fears
It is time to allow for Happiness and enjoy Life

"Everything is going to be OK"

As I experience my 2nd Wedding Anniversary in the LGW,
I am making a New Wedding Vow:
To do my best to appreciate life and get to know my ole friend Happiness Once Again.

Happy Anniversary Baby! (I will join up with you at the next destination.)

No question, I still will experience one of the above three things tonight. I will let you you guess which one.

The Constant

2010-05-10T20:23:00.011-04:00

Clancy and Deacon

"The best way to know God is to love many things."

-Vincent Van Gogh-

Might I add one of those things is a Dog!

Deacon and I at the Braves Game on May 2nd, 2010

Looking into Deacon's Eyes, confirms to me that

there is something good and right in the Universe.

My canine companion has been the one Constant

in my Mournful and less Gaye world.

Deacon reminds me of her Love and Beauty everyday.

And for that, I am eternally Thankful.

Love Aches

2010-05-02T22:42:00.002-04:00

"Loretta, I love you. Not like they told you love is,

and I didn't know this either, but love don't make

things nice - it ruins everything.

It breaks your heart. It makes things a mess.

We aren't here to make things perfect.

The snowflakes are perferct. The stars are perfect.

Not us. Not us!

We are here to ruin ourselves and to break

our hearts and love the wrong people and die.

The storybooks are bullshit.

Now I want you to come upstairs with me

and get into my bed."

..............

Ronny Cammarei,

in Moonstruck

Our feet at a Wedding in Florida several years ago.

Where there is great Love, there are always Miracles - Wila Cather

2010-04-19T09:22:00.016-04:00

Guests of my life,

You came in the early dawn,

and you in the night.

Your name was uttered by the Spring Flowers

and yours by the showers of rain.

You brought the harp into my house

and you brought the lamp.

After you had taken your leave

I found God's footprints on my floor.

- Rabindranath Tagore

It is so easy to think I have some ultimate claim on Gaye's love,

but I don't; rather, I have been privileged to share

her life, physical love and unique soul for a speck of time.

Are all I have left are memories of what we have shared and loved?

I hope that is not true!
I want to believe there is much more than memories.
I want to believe her footprints, voice and spirit
can be seen in my life, today.

I can feel it, or maybe I just want to believe it.
Which could it be?

A Mournful Mystery!

But perhaps there is a trace of the divine in each of us,

which comes from its home in God,

and then returns back to that Home.
Gaye's love now needs to be shared
somewhere beyond my understanding.
I must remember, I had no claim!
I was immensely blessed to experience
that special love here on Earth.
A heartbreaking venture, but one I thank God
everyday for that love!
Gaye's spirit and love needs to be shared!

This outlook comforts me greatly in a less Gaye world.

When facing the Unknown and the Dark,
Hope is as reasonable as Despair.

Best Friend and Lover, Felt like forever

2010-04-12T14:08:00.001-04:00

I loving on Gaye

Nobody quite like you

Never a voice so true

Too bright to ever fade away

The story's over and I've lived through the ending

But that doesn't mean I wouldn't do it again

Do it all again

I remember fallin'

I remember

Fallin'

From Kim Richey
One of Gaye's favorite artists.
We saw Kim perform at Variety Playhouse on 11/16/2002

That could have been one of our best Dates!
It is unfathomable and heartwrenching
to believe that night was over 7 years ago
I remember baby......

I remember too well.

Gaye loving on me
(My Favorite Hobby)

Let me eat Cake!

2010-03-29T20:35:00.045-04:00

Enjoying the moment with Gaye in Italy

"If your regrets linger,
if you cannot find inspiration in solitude,
then you still have much to learn from the
writers and poets and the cooks
on becoming the artist of your own life...
you can never re-create the past.
But you can shape your own future.
And you can make a Cake"

~ Jacqueline Duval, in

'Reckless Appetite a Culinary Romance

Some of my fondest memories are of cooking for Gaye.
I loved to experiment and she was forever a willing
Guinea Pig for my culinary creations.
She wouldn't make it as a critic though for she loved
everything I served and boasted to all our friends
on what a fine cook I was!

(Having an unabashed and biased fan at your side
is something that I hope everyone can
cherish and experience in their lifetime -

it is not under rated)

Breaking Bread with Gaye was very special.

Our Love, Our Friendship, Our Bond, Our Experiences

were surrounded by food at every stage.

19 months have passed and I still have not found my footing
or re-claimed my passion as it comes to cooking
or just enjoying a good meal. I still cook,
but now I just go through the motions and
make stuff for the sake of cooking.

No Passion, No Love, No Inspiration

God, another reason to miss Gaye with every fiber of my DNA

Yesterday, I invited my mother over for dinner
and made Gaye's favorite dish.

Linguine with White Claim Sauce.

(In fact, that was the last meal I cooked for Gaye
on the Saturday before she passed)

Yes, it was very emotional.
I cried a great deal and perhaps the sauce
was a lil salty from my tears.

My mother, of course, said it was fantastic.
I took a plate over to my Neighbor,
Valeria. She said she will never cook for me again,
because it cannot match what I prepared for her.

(Two new unabashed and Biased fans, Thank God)

So as I embark on this dark & scary journey
to shape my future and somehow find inspiration to enjoy life,
I must tell myself that I am not alone.

I have friends,

I have family,

I even pray that I have Gaye holding my hand,
guiding me to where I need to go (and eat)!

(Perhaps, she is taking a piece of bread
and tasting the White Claim Sauce?)

Outside our Italian Villa, May - 2004

Eating Black Squid at Michaelangelo's in Torrito di Siena, Italy
(Gaye and I had black lips and teeth for two hours
from the squid ink)

2010-03-10T13:33:00.000-05:00

"Death cannot stop true love. All it can do is delay it for a while"

~The Princess Bride

The Beauty of Imperfection

2010-02-28T09:21:00.010-05:00

Another sleepness night, unable to turn off the brain.

Earlier this week, I found an email Gaye had printed and saved in a book called

"When the Heart Waits"

This email dates back to the first month we had met in 2001.

When I met Gaye, she was in the middle of a project of recording her Piano skills and compiling a CD of her songs to give to her mother and father as a Christmas Gift. The "project" was extremely stressfull for she wanted it to be perfect. (So Gaye) She had worked months practicing the arrangements and really thought it would go more smoothly when it came to recording the songs in a studio.

The email Gaye saved, was a note I had sent to her...

Gaye,

What you have accomplished is incredible. The gift that you have created for your parents came directly from your HEART, SOUL and BEING. What better gift can a daughter deliver to their loving parents? It's not important to parents that the gift they receive from their beautiful daughter is perfect and strikes every note succinctly. As a matter of fact, I bet they will cherish the imperfections even more. Perfection, quite honestly is easy to love but I think that is not true love. True, ever-lasting, deep love comes from the imperfections a loved one sees for that is what makes a person human and unique. They are going to hear your music and absolutely love every single note whether it be perfect or not. Your parents know your gift came from your passions, love and emotions that you have for them and because of that TRUE love, they will cherish the CD for the rest of their lives. I think your gift is the best present anyone can give a mother and father. Perfect or Imperfect, quite honestly, is not important. You have given them a present of True Love....

Gaye was not perfect but she was perfect for me. It was her imperfections that I cherish and hold close to my heart. I thank God for what has been given to me and allowing Gaye to be my present of

TRUE LOVE.

So, as I move forward in life, I must remember that life is imperfect, not everything has a pretty bow tied to it. Imperfections, has tremendous beauty. Gaye showed me that beauty and continues to do just that.

Thank you baby for saving that note and pushing me forward

There is no Shadow without sunlight behind it!

2010-02-15T21:14:00.003-05:00

Side View from my Lake house after the snow had fallen on 2/12/2010

"We must be ready to allow ourselves to be interrupted by God"

--Dietrich Bohnhoffer

My neighbor at the lake sent me the above photo today. The Picture reminded me of the beauty and tranquility that Gaye and I had fallen so in love with. You see, we had bought this house and property in July of 2007 when Gaye was in remission. More than anything, it was a purchase based on Dreams and Hope - Of a life that would not be struck short by Cancer. We forged wonderful memories in the 14 months Gaye was able to experience the retreat. Per Gaye's wishes, I spread half of her ashes on this hallowed ground.

It is very tough to visit these days without getting sad. Deacon bouys my spirits though - For him, this is heaven and it excites me to see him so happy running at full speed around the woods chasing birds, deer and other wildlife. Even in my loneliness and sorrow, this place holds me in its embrace and I am comforted by that sensation. I achieve a sense of wonder and reassurance by going out into the quiet night and looking up at the stars and absorbing the vast beauty of this landscape . Surely, in a world of such splendor and order, there must be meaning beyond our understanding. There is a sense of intimacy to the night. That nearest star, bright in the heavens --- is it a sign that tells me everything is going to be OK?

The mystery remains, but somehow I am comforted by the simple beauty of what Gaye and I created on this land.

On a side note - It has been 585 days since my last date with Gaye......but who's counting.

Since I cannot know, I will gamble on Faith and Hope!

2010-02-10T15:16:00.002-05:00

The problem with death is absence.

--Roger Rosenblatt

After all the attempts to comfort ourselves and to make sense out of dying, we are left with a huge hole in the fabric of our lives.

"I miss you. I love you. I miss you so much."

I must have said those words no less than 5,000 times over the last 18 months. I have been told that the absence will mutate into another kind of presence. Gaye will now be with me in a way her living soul cannot be. In some ways, that is true. And, yes , it is a comfort. Perhaps she has become my Gaurdian Angel, my link with the other side. But to let her go initially is one of the compromises I am forced to make with life and God. I have no choice and it breaks my heart to no end.

A compromise I hate to make - and pray everyday to understand.

Happy Valentine's Day Baby!

There is no therapist in the world like a Dog licking your face.

2010-01-29T15:04:00.003-05:00

I talk to him when I'm lonesome like; and I'm sure he understands. When he looks at me so attentively, and gently licks my hands; then he rubs his nose on my tailored clothes, but I never say naught thereat. For the good Lord knows I can buy more clothes, but never a friend like that. ~W. Dayton Wedgefarth

I know who I want to meet in Heaven!

2010-01-25T22:43:00.005-05:00

"Lost love is still love, Eddie. It takes a different form, that's all. you can't see their smile or bring them food or tousle their hair or move them around a dance floor. But when those senses weaken, another heightens. Memory. Memory becomes your partner. You nurture it. You hold it. You dance with it."

Quote from the book "The Five People you meet in Heaven"

One of Gaye's many passions was dancing. She always had to drag my self conscious, reluctant and insecure soul out onto the Dance Floor. One of my biggest regrets and aches is that I did not dance enough with her. Oh the simple things we miss.... It's the little things that now mean the world to me.

The Absence of Her Physical Light Clarifies

2010-01-14T09:42:00.008-05:00

By a departing light

We see acuter quite

than by a wick that stays.

There's something in the flight

That clarifies the sight

And decks the rays.

Emily Dickinson

The Country of My Heart

2010-01-13T10:12:00.003-05:00

I cannot understand why anyone should fear death. Life here is more cruel than death-life divides and estranges, while death, which is life eternal, reunites and reconciles. I believe that when the eyes without my physical eyes shall open the world to come, I shall simply be consciously living in the country of my heart.
- Helen Keller

The Education of Sorrow

2010-01-12T09:25:00.008-05:00

I walked a mile with Pleasure,
She chattered all the way;

But left me none the wiser

For all she had to say.

I walked a mile with Sorrow

And ne'er a word said she;

But oh, the things I learned from her

When sorrow walked with me,

-Robert Browning Hamilton

Nothing could be more profound and true.

A consolation of Gaye's loss is the learning --

Which better be good, given the price.

2010-01-07T09:06:00.014-05:00

In the face of adversity we are not permitted to ask, "Why me, why Gaye, why not me?" You can ask but you won't get an answer. We hunt so passionately for an answer. We Pray, We Meditate, We look for signs, we gaze high up to the sky, We reach deep down into the soul for meaning and understanding.

There is No Answer Given!

So I reflect and think maybe there is a reason for no answer given in Life and not knowing the answer. Perhaps it is up to each of us to work through the loss to get to a plain or stage of existence/awareness where we would never have achieved without this dis-juncture of the universe. I certainly have a whole new perspective and appreciation of life and the most simple of "things" that before took so much for granted. Where does that leave me today and how do I move forward? I look to Gaye for answers. Throughout her life, Gaye maintained a True and Honest heart. Gaye would expect no less for me. "He (or she) has a good Heart" Gaye would many times say when meeting folks she dearly liked. With a true heart and the emblazoned incorporation of Love, Hope and Faith, that Gaye had instilled in me, what more do I need to fight in this less Gaye world? What a tough way to learn this. A tough love life lesson from God and Gaye!

The late Gilda Radner summed it up poignantly: "I wanted a perfect ending. Now I've learned the hard way that some poems don't rhyme and some stories don't have a clear beginning, middle and end. Life is about not knowing - Life is about having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it without knowing what is going to happen next. Delicious ambiguity."

Amen Gilda -

Love is the ANSWER

2009-12-30T08:57:00.012-05:00

With the Holidays in full force and as I grope for something, anything to keep my spirits somewhat Hopeful, I came across a note from my dear friend Sarah Shaffer that she sent me this past summer as I was going through one of those turbulent periods of extreme sadness, doubt and fear. Sarah and Gaye became very close over the last 12 months of Gaye's life. For two very scared souls, Sarah was such a great source of comfort and strength to the both of us as Gaye fought her courageous yet unfair battle.

Here is the note from Sarah:

My Vet was talking about healing and he said that love is the greatest healer....people who really love and care for their pets have better outcomes than those who just care for the pet. Then on the way home I was listening to Willie Nelson and in one of his songs he said..."Love is the greatest healer of them all"....
I believe that anyone who has the capacity to love the way you loved Gaye and she loved you has such a wonderful capacity for living and loving that life.....not that love is easy, we both know it is hard and heartbreaking but it is also a chance to see clearly our life and our loved ones life in a very honest way. Did Gaye share the email I sent her about cancer? I came across it the other day and remembered the truly quality time we shared....once again, she helped me so much more than I can say.
Have a good wkend Tripp, know Gaye wants HAPPINESS for you....she gave you a gift of love and only you can give that gift back to the world.

So here is the letter I wrote her after she called and asked me about remission. She asked how I dealt with cancer always looming over my shoulder and what if it comes back. I wasn't sure what to say at first then it came to me and this is what I wrote.

Gaye, I thought about your voice message for a long time and came to these things:

When I was diagnosed I knew cancer would change everything. It would, over a 4 year period, redefine living....redefine who I thought I was. I was the healthiest person anyone knew, not just in appearance but in title, EXERCISE PHYSIOLOGIST. Now I would have to use the word cancer and sick to define who I was. I could hardly say the words.

Cancer takes a piece of each life that it touches and doesn't give it back but life gives that piece back in the form of COURAGE. Remember the Bristol-Myers-Squib commercial with Lance Armstrong? He says, "Remember me cancer? You hurt my family and friends.....and so on, then he says again, "remember me cancer, I beat you!!" Watch that commercial and remember that cancer can be beat. On the days when courage is taking a backseat to fear know that you CAN BEAT IT!!! In Lance Armstrong's book he said that a cancer survivor told him "You don't know it yet but we are the lucky ones." The Lance Armstrong's, Gaye Sims and Sarah Shaffer's, we are the lucky ones and every other patient that sits for hours while chemo drips slowly into their veins, every patient who has left the Oncology ward of any hospital and said, "Oh my God I might actually die from this." We are survivors, winners and the courage that came to replace the piece of who we thought we were before cancer will change your life forever.
In my dayrunner(everyday since I heard the word remission) I write NOT TODAY!! What that means to me is that today I had a day that cancer didn't paralyze me, it didn't make me stagnant, it didn't destroy my ability to smile, most of all it didn't beat me....NOT TODAY!! So when I look back over the pages that represent days/years/minutes of my life(on April 7th my 2 year remission date) I see the words NOT TODAY and I know that cancer will always be a part of who I am but it didn't beat me and it didn't beat you, Gaye Sims....NOT TODAY!!

Perhaps in the long run the beginning of wisdom, for me, lies in the simple admission that things are not always the way we/I would like them to be and yet with each sunrise there is a chance to choose the "half full" side of life. To embrace all that we love and to put another day between ourselves and cancer. It isn't always easy, there are days when your mind will insist that the cancer is back but we(you and I and every other cancer patient) have to look that fear in the eye, deal with it, then take a giant step forward knowing that there are no promises for tomorrow, NOT FOR ANYONE, but we can stand tall TODAY, this moment we have been given and say NOT TODAY!!!

"LIFE DEALS THE CARDS; THE WAY WE PLAY THEM IS UP TO US." There is power in that statement....

Tripp, I sent this to Gaye March 18th 2007 around 10:08 AM. Thank you again for allowing me to be there for Gaye, it changes me everyday in the best possible way.

Sarah sent me a follow up note:

Gaye and I had so many conversations during the time I knew her. We spent some really quality time talking about everything from cancer to movies, to her love of life and travel. I hope she knew how much she meant to my life, she truly gave meaning where there had been such doubt and confusion.

It seemed that abruptly circumstances arranged themselves so that the commonplace became the significant and the routine the memorable....so memorable that it changed my life forever. I learned some valuable things about myself, things I can't measure or fully explain. I came across these words a few weeks ago and wanted to share them:

Love life. Be grateful for it always. And show your gratitude by not shying away from its challenges. Try always to live a little bit beyond your capacities. You'll find that you will never not succeed.

If I Tripp Sims, could incorporate just half the Fortitude, Courage and Strength that Gaye displayed during her fight, then I know I can win my battle. As I have articulated so many times in my blog - I was immensly blessed to receive Gaye's Gift of love - I could not imagine a better gift or treasure in this world. Such a precious lucky few fully experienced it. I am so thankful for that present. Her gift will be my road map. I just need to have Faith and maintain Hope.

Gaye's Love will be the ANSWER.

NOT TODAY for Doubt, Sadness and Longing.

"Death is Nothing at All......"

2009-12-22T07:05:00.018-05:00

Paris during the Holidays - 2004

So here we are, Holidays 2009 version. I can't hide, can't run away, Can't ignore it. It is upon us and I can't do a damn thing about it. This Holiday season has been so much more sorrowful for me than last year. I do not think my ache last season was nearly as deep as this holiday season. I was only several months removed from Gaye's passing and perhaps her life was still fresh in my mind and being. Well, now 16 months removed from her life, my ache for her has never been more evident. The ache is encompassing because I am at the full realization that I will never see my beautiful Gaye again in this life and for this one time optimistic soul, that just breaks my heart and will to no end. As I have written many times before on this blog, we cling with every fiber in our being to that esoteric and cryptic concept of "Faith". At the end of the day, that is all we have to get out of bed to face this now less colorful, less Gaye world.

I came across this optimistic sermon last night, called All is well.

All Is Well

Death is nothing at all,

I have only slipped into the next room
I am I and you are you
Whatever we were to each other, that we are still.
Call me by my old familiar name,
Speak to me in the easy way which you always used
Put no difference in your tone,
Wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow
Laugh as we always laughed at the little jokes we enjoyed together.
Play, smile, think of me, pray for me.
Let my name be ever the household world that it always was,
Let it be spoken without effect, without the trace of shadow on it.
Life means all that it ever meant.
It it the same as it ever was, there is unbroken continuity.
Why should I be out of mind because I am out of sight?
I am waiting for you, for an interval, somewhere very near,
Just around the corner.

All is well.

One brief moment and all will be as it was before
How we shall laugh at the trouble of parting when we meet again!

Henry Scott Holland
1847-1918
Canon of St Paul 's Cathedral

Merry Christmas Baby!

Heart Aches

2009-12-15T22:33:00.009-05:00

And can it be that in a world so full and busy, the loss
of one weak creature makes a void in any heart, so wide
and deep that nothing but the width and depth of eternity
can fill it up!
-Charles Dickens

Certain Movies Can Touch a Soul and Stir Emotions like Nothing Else.

2009-12-07T20:19:00.016-05:00

I rented this amazing Italian film last week and I can't stop thinking about it. It was just like reading a wonderful book that you never want to end... For those willing to experience the beauty and heartache that life truly is, "The Best of Youth" is something special. If you have the 6+ hours – even if you don’t – free them up to travel through Best of Youth. "The Best of Youth" follows two brothers and their greater family throughout Italy between 1966-2003 and is deeply saturated with their interactions, be they emotional, mental, political, social, business, artistic, or about love, death, discovery, change - and how all of these aspects (and more) shape both who they are as well as shaping the lives around them. We see Rome, Turin, Florence, Tuscany and Sicily in it's splendid postcard setting. It's a memorable film that is effortless to watch because the story is layed out and then weaves together at the end in the way a great novel does: after the read, you feel better about who you are, for having taken the journey. As the movie critic Roger Ebert said, "When you hear that it is six hours long, reflect that it is therefore also six hours deep." I can't think of another movie that left me feeling so rich as well as reflective about my life and the people that have impacted and changed me. The ending engulfed my heart with emotion that life can be just so damn tragic and full of heartache but at the same time, infinitely beautiful and hopeful. If you are a devoted fan of cinema and have a passion for art like I, sprint to the video store or your computer (For those NetFlix folks) and watch this emotional tour De force with someone you care about a great deal.

God, I wish I could have experienced this movie with Gaye.

I Like to think... Perhaps I did.

Stumbling Forward

2009-11-27T07:46:00.021-05:00

...and it was gray, and grayer the deeper he went. What if it was deeper than he had figured? But soon the light changed, the muck brightened, and he was headed out, towards clear sky and sun again. He said that was the best sight in the world: the world.

- Josephine Humphries

There are times I wonder if I will see anything on the horizon but this gloom and sadness. The weight of Grief is so damn heavy. I have been told from a therapist that there is an impulse to dig in one's feelings and soul not only at the moment of death but also dig in at special moments that Gaye and I shared. I want to hold on, keep the immediacy of those memories from glowing dim. Am I afraid of forgetting what Gaye and I had? Not a chance! I would as much forget to breathe! My life with Gaye was so wonderful. We had such a special relationship. I loved everything about us and what we worked so hard to create and nuture.

I guess that is my internal conflict and struggle

There is an all encompassing danger in that we can get stuck in that "Past World" where we do everything in our power to stay in and dwell on the past. - I am very guilty of that mental state of re-living yesterday.

That "Dwelling on the Past" outlook does not honor the truth of my life or of my beautiful Gaye.

Wherever Gaye is, it is certainly not "back there" - I know that fact. I understand, bit by bit, I need to loosen my hold on the past I cannot keep and get on with the life I have and move forward. - I understand my problem -

I simply wish I had my best friend to help!

On a side note - "Valeria, Paulo and Max - We might not be blood related, but you are certainly part of my "familia". I can't thank you enough for a Thanksgiving I will never forget. Gaye is smiling knowing that I have you three in my life to help take care of (and feed) this soul!"

One more side note - Six years ago this past Tuesday, I made the greatest and best decision of my life by surprising Gaye and asking her to marry me while we were in Prague. That will another story for another day with unexpected twists and turns- Stay tuned!

Therapy for the Soul

2009-11-11T13:14:00.013-05:00

Happy Tails Pet Therapy Emory Rehabilitation Team

This past Sunday, Deacon and I made our monthly sojourn to provide pet therapy at Emory Rehabilitation Center. I was eager to be accepted on this pet therapy team for it enables me to come back to the same campus where Gaye spent the worse part of her last two years. (Whether they might be good or bad, I will absorb any and all memories of Gaye) To share Deacon's love is one of my biggest joys these days and working with the Happy Tails organization is such a blessing and outlet.

This Sunday visit was so Special

Deacon and I met this wonderful Girl (let's call her J) confined to a wheelchair. At Happy Tails, we are trained not to ask about issues and problems patients are having. From the first time I layed my eyes on J, she seemed different. She had this wonderful, exuberant smile and was extremely excited to see the dogs. I gravitated to her and sat down on a stool touching her wheelchair with Deacon. As I sat down, J shared with me that she had been in the hospital for over 5 weeks due to uncontrolable seizures. She was hoping and praying to head home this upcoming Wednesday. As she began to pet Deacon with fervor, she told me about her lil Jack Russell puppy called Brutus and how she misses him more than the world itself.

For just a moment,
I saw my Gaye in J.

It was quite an emotional scene for the both of us. J, for the anticipation of going home and seeing her faithful, loving canine, and Me, for the memories of Gaye holding onto Deacon with all her might hoping and praying that she would see her puppy grow old.

We sat together for maybe 10 minutes with J sharing funny Brutus stories. As our session was coming to end and I was about t0 get my sad soul up off the stool, Deacon for the first time ever during a pet therapy session, literally leaped into my lap and began to lean half of his body and head unto the lap of J. The more I tried to get him off me, the more he leaned on J and pushed himself onto her. I sat there an additional 5 minutes with Deacon being comforted by J.

It was a perfect elixir for my weary soul. I like to think that Deacon saw a glimpse of Gaye in J also.

Happy Tails Mission is to help those that are in need and that can benefit from the unconditional love of a four legged friend. It certainly achieved its mission with me.

God Bless you J and I pray that Brutus and you will have a long, happy and loving life together.

Hope in the Face of Despair

2009-10-29T13:58:00.010-04:00

I finally got around to reading the above book "The Art of Racing in the Rain". The story is told through the eyes of Enzo, a lab mix. On the eve of his death, Enzo is taking stock of his life recalling all that he and his family have been through. It is a heart wrenching but ultimately uplifting story of Love, Loyalty and Hope. (We could all use more of those things in our lives) I had bought this book last summer and quickly discovered upon reading that the wife dies of brain cancer at a too young age. I did not have the fortitude or strength to complete the book. Well 14 months later, decided to take another stab at the book. I still did not have the fortitude or strength, but what the hell!

On page 162, I came across the fateful event. Here is how Enzo describes it:

She died that night. Her last breath took her soul, I saw it in my dream. I saw her soul leave her body as she exhaled, and then she had no more needs, no more reason; she was released from her body, and, being released, she continued her journey elsewhere, high in the firmament where soul material gathers and plays out all the dreams and joys of which we temporal beings can barely conceive, all the things that are beyond our comprehension, but even so, are not beyond our attainment if we choose to attain them, and believe that we truly can.

This passage soaks with Faith, Love and Hope. I know and realize that I will never comprehend this chaos and loss in this world. I debate and argue with God on a daily basis about the injustice of this all - How Gaye and I are now worlds apart - How the years have been erased from my best friend and soul mate - But, because of my faith, I do have have Hope that there will be an "UNDERSTANDING" sometime down the road, somewhere.

I pray with every fiber in my soul that Enzo has it right.

"Hey Deacon, I have a couple questions for you"

My Goal in Life is to become as wonderful as Deacon thinks I am.

2009-10-25T22:46:00.005-04:00

We give dogs time we can spare, space we can spare and love we can spare.

And in return, dogs give us their all.

It's the best deal man has ever made!

- M. Facklam

The little things mean everything.

2009-10-14T13:37:00.015-04:00

Tomorrow would have been Gaye's 45th birthday. With my sadness, pain and loneliness, I pulled out a drawer of letters that Gaye wrote to me over the years. I sometimes get a sense when I read these love letters, that Gaye is in the present and still part of my LIFE. (I know it sounds crazy, but hey, it gets me through the day.) I came across the below letter today at the bottom of the pile.

11/20/01
Dear Tripp,
Has it really been only 10 days since we met?
I'm leaving tomorrow to go home for Thanksgiving
and I find myself incredibly full of emotion on this holiday.
I've always known and been thankful for the many blessings in
my life. I have the most loving and supportive family.
I have incredible friends.... health... a good job.... a nice home.
With all those blessings, there was always an empty space
within me. I honestly, couldn't even conceive of what
it would feel like to have that space filled
- couldn't even imagine..... until you!
While I know that life holds no guarantees and that
neither one of us can truly say what the future holds,
this feeling of pure joy that you have given me since we met....
is at the top of my "thankful" list this Thanksgiving.
I thank God that he brought our lives together, and I pray that we
will continue to grow closer as we discover each other each day.
Happy Thanksgiving,
Love,
Gaye

I was so blessed to have Gaye's Love. I too thank God that he brought our lives together. I pray everyday for the strength and courage that Gaye had. Some Days are better than others! The little things we did, know mean everything to me. I still see her beauty everyday.

In one of her last letters to friends and family that I keep close to my heart ".....because we believe in that power (prayers) and the power of all of your love. I feel it - it strengthens me, and it comforts me. We are embracing every moment. We love you all and we are thankful you are in our lives!!"

Happy Birthday Baby, I miss you more than life itself!

2009-10-12T11:20:00.009-04:00

Learn to Get IN TOUCH

WITH Silence within

Yourself and KNOW that

EVERYTHING in this Life

has a PURPOSE.

Elizabeth Kubler-Ross

The Importance of Love

2009-10-06T09:27:00.006-04:00

There is a land of the living and a land of the dead and the bridge is love

the only survival, the only meaning.

-Thornton Wilder

Wisdom can be found anywhere...

2009-10-02T23:29:00.007-04:00

Happy Birthday Deacon!

2009-09-26T12:24:00.009-04:00

Happy Birthday Deac! I can't believe you are four years old today. Have we been through it or what? I remember so well the day Gaye and I first layed eyes on you. I liked to kid Gaye that it was me that picked you out of your 6 brothers and sister, but we all know it was Gaye that set her sights on you when you rambled and tumbled into her lap and kissed her with wild abandoned. You stood out and Gaye knew "You" were the one for both of us. You provided us with so much love and passion when we desperately needed it most. We had just discovered that children was not in the cards, so we were hoping that a dog would fill our sad hearts. Boy, did you answer our prayers. Taking you home that first day, you were so scared being ripped away from the only love you knew, your family. You were whining, crying and shaking like a leaf. Gaye saw the fear in your eyes so she quickly jumped from the front seat and laid down with you where she consoled, kissed, hugged, nurtured you all the way to your new home.

Now almost four years later, I see you laying next to me, consoling, kissing and nurturing ME. Your presence by my side has been protection against my fears of dark and unknown things. Because of you I know a secret comfort and a private peace.

Outside of Gaye's love, you, Deacon, have been my most blessed gift.

At first, Gaye and I asked for a companion that we might not feel lonely and sad,

I was given a best friend.

I love you, Deacon!

Even in the dark, you have the power to whistle.

2009-09-20T11:27:00.009-04:00

One of my favorite photos.

This was shot when Gaye was getting ready for a party in my loft at NuGrape.

God, my Angel is so beautiful!

....memory nourishes the heart, and grief abates.

- Marcel Proust

loved this quote… putting it here for safe keeping

2009-08-24T23:41:00.004-04:00

“The beauty of life is in the living of it.

And the living of life is now.

It is fine to make grand, wonderful plans and to then bring those plans to life through your efforts. Yet do not ignore the quiet, stunningly beautiful treasures in each ordinary moment.

Happiness is not in some distant place of perfection and pleasure.
Happiness is waiting for you to give it life in this moment.

If all of your dreams were to suddenly come true, you would have no use for them. For the real essence of their joy is in the journey you take to reach those dreams.

It is in working your way through each day, one moment after another, that you connect with the value of life. Every flavor of experience adds to the richness in one way or another.

Do not put a lot of effort into judging whether today is good or bad, happy or sad. Just go ahead and live it with a thankful heart, and you will surely experience this day’s own special value.”
––Anonymous quote from the Young Widows Bulletin Board

1 year ago today: Gaye Gwinn Sims

2009-08-22T06:49:00.028-04:00

One Year. Twelve Months. Fifty-two weeks. Three hundred sixty-five days. Eight thousand seven hundred sixty hours. Five hundred twenty thousand six hundred minutes. Thirty-one million five hundred thirty-six thousand seconds. Six hundred forty-one million two hundred thirty-two thousand beats of a hummingbird's wings in flight.

However large, however infinitesimal the number, each in its way,

aptly describes Gaye's absence. Yet no number is large enough to capture the loss.
None is sufficiently small to be fewer than the moments of pure joy I have known without her.

It seems impossible that an entire year has passed since 6:50am on 2008, August 22nd. It feels so fresh a wound, so gaping and unhealed, that a week cannot have passed, hardly a day.

Yet it is a year.

The satirist, Ambrose Bierce, defined a year as

"a period of three hundred sixty-five disappointments."

I cannot share this definition for this particular year. I've known no disappointments since that utter disjuncture of the universe one year ago today.

Oh, perhaps , the roof leaked a bit, my car battery died, the job did not yield the results I had hoped. But disappointment is a term, in my mind, that means failed hopes, dreams and expectations. The hopes and dreams I had left after my Gaye died were few.

I have learned that the price of devastating loss includes the perplexity over how to be grateful for the good wonders that follow upon that loss. I have learned a great deal over the last three hundred sixty-five days. Learnings have come my way in this year that would never ever have revealed themselves to me had I not lost the girl of my dreams.

I have learned how fragile "Life" can be....

I have learned that nothing should be taken for granted

....NOTHING.....

Not a Kiss......

Not a warm embrace....

Not laughter....

Not looking into the eyes of a person you love.

I have also discovered it is LOVE that ultimately defines who we are.

Gaye taught me these things this past year.

And so I have learned. Learned things I would never have paid the price to learn,

yet would not want to continue a moment longer not knowing.

I heard a very wise man tell me that learning was the crux of life. All else hinged thereon.

I hate to admit it, but this past year, I have learned so much about myself.

Merlin in the book "The Sword and the Stone." perhaps says it best;

"The best thing for being sad is to learn something. That is the only thing that never fails. You may grow old and trembling in your anatomies, you may lie awake at night listening to the disorder of your veins, you may miss your only love, you may see the world about you devastated by evil lunatics, or know your honour trampled in the sewers of baser minds. There is only one thing for it then - to learn. Learn why the world wags and what wags it. That is the only thing which the mind can never exhaust, never alienate, never be tortured by, never fear or distrust, and never dream of regretting."

Gaye Gwinn Sims has been gone from this world one year.

She has not been gone one solitary flit of a hummingbird's wing from my heart.

My Mantra and Aspiration moving forward!

2009-08-10T22:50:00.002-04:00

“One regret dear world, that I am determined not to have when I am lying on my deathbed is that I did not kiss you enough.” –Hafiz

Sweetness (of Heart Ache)

2009-08-03T08:51:00.011-04:00

i wonder where the sweetness lies.

is it there in the skin?

in a tiny, secret, double-helix?

like a powdered sugar on a doughnut,

just a subtle taste of you?

or does it pulse in rich red courses...

in a warm sangria-like streams,

heating you up

from the very inside out?

raising your core temperature to that

of my pounding heart?

perhaps,

the sweetness is just an aftertaste...

a subtle memory leftover

from the love we both had?

or maybe, just maybe,

the sweetness is your very heart and soul,

dear one,

dressed up for a red hot date with heaven

a tomorrow that can not be believed

lest I feel it with my own

two

longing hands.

i wonder where the sweetness lies.

is it in the soft, tiny kisses

of perfect tenderness?

or the endless aching dread

of unrequited luv

gone madly astray

much too soon

i wonder where the sweetness lies.

i think i know, dear one...

but you know i dare not say

- Unknown

The sweetness of Gaye was simply intoxicating.

I guess now,

just bittersweet

Painful Step

2009-07-27T08:58:00.020-04:00

Over the last couple months I have been going out of my way to meet new people, create new relationships and make new friends. I understand that I must begin a new life without Gaye and with that, a new Identity will encompass me moving forward.

Cultivating this new "Identity" is such a struggle and challenge for me internally!

I have been told that this is a vital step in my healing from the grief and sadness. (God, I'm getting tired of these new steps and learnings that has been thrust on me)

This so called "vital step" is just so damn painful to me. I loved with every cell in my body being identified as Gaye's Husband. From the first moment I met her at a wedding on November 10, 2001, I felt so blessed that this incredible Angel somehow, inexplicably fell in LOVE with ME. (I am still amazed and surprised at that thought everyday)

Gaye believed in me before I believed in myself. She picked me up from the depths of insecurities and shallow spirituality and soaked me with true love, commitment and Faith. Our identities became one and I loved every second of that perception. But now I am told I must shed my ole identity and begin to build a new one. The loss of that identity is devastating to me. I have a hard time articulating the pain of having to somehow divest of that identity Gaye and I forged and create one that only includes me.

Yes, I miss Gaye like I never thought I could… I miss her so much that I would gladly accept my own death just to be in her presence again… I ache from the time I get up until the time I lie back down and every single moment in between…

But somehow, as painful as the absence of Gaye is, the pain of losing that identity of both of us, is even worse.

How do I even begin to function when I don’t know who I am?

Husband? Gone.

Caregiver? Gone.

Best Friend? Gone

Lover? Gone.

Confidante? Gone…

Not only am I facing the loss of the very person I was supposed to spend the rest of my life with, but now I have to face this terrible loss with only a fraction of my own essence intact.

So, building a new identity is EVERYTHING if I plan on ever healing or being whole again.
I hate this step… it feels a bit like betrayal… it feels a bit like I am trying to “move on” from Gaye, but of course it’s none of those things. It’s just putting myself back together after half of me has literally disappeared.

I am just so scared to move forward, but I know that is what I have to do. Deep in my heart, I know, without a doubt, Gaye would want this of me. I pray and hope I have the strength to do it.

Stay tuned......

11 Month Mark Ache

2009-07-22T15:51:00.006-04:00

It seems that with each passing day

I discover yet another piece of my past, my present, or my future that is now dead––another aching piece of myself that must now be mourned.
From my perspective, the task is beginning to appear daunting indeed.
I mourn my lost true love.
I mourn the lost future and all that it once promised.
I mourn the baby girl we will never have, and the baby boy I will never get to hold.

I mourn the European trips we so thoroughly planned
I mourn the lake house we will never both enjoy.
I mourn the long walks with Deacon we will never get to take, and the lazy afternoons watching movies and catching up on our favorite recorded TV shows.
I mourn the remission we believed in beyond all hope.
I mourn the pain and anxiety that Gaye experienced.
I mourn the “me” that used to be:
The one whose wife had never died in his arms.
The one who never knew the agony of nursing his one true love into eternity.
The one who believed that all would be OK in the end.
I mourn the fear that sometimes tortured Gaye––the fear I was powerless to take away.
I mourn the time when I had to be at work, instead of at home with my dear, frightened wife.
I mourn the “perfect past” that haunts me… those early days of dating and marriage (where have they gone?) before the word “cancer” became a regular part of our vocabulary.
I mourn my happiness.
I mourn my peace.
I mourn my youth.
I mourn my love.
I mourn my life.

I mourn my Gaye.

Castaway

2009-07-13T22:14:00.011-04:00

The day goes by like a shadow o'er the heart,

With sorrow, where all was delight.

- Stephen Foster

Sometimes it is so hard to remember how life felt to me before this loss shifted the ground beneath me. I now mark events with a kind of "first time since Gaye has died" syndrome. At first the events are mundane - The first time I watched a certain TV show.... the first time I went to a party.... the first time I had a certain type of food. Then the seasonal milestones come along - The first fourth of July.... the first birthday... the first time a ran into a certain friend, and so on. And all of them shadowed by the loss that darkens everything I do, everything that happens. I wonder if it will always be so, and if so, how can I bear it?

Sorrow takes up the whole landscape. "Will joy come again?"

Great Spirit, now I pray to you...

Great Spirit, hear me;

My soul is weary,

Now I pray that your spirit will dwell in me.

-Kiowa Prayer

Grief is so damn tiring. The Sadness, Sorrow and loss saps my strength and resolve. There are so many to help me - I have some great Friends, family and of course, Deacon. Still a pervasive sense of fatigue and even despair, can seem my constant companion. I will myself to keep the faith. In fact, I know now is the time to embrace it. I really have no other choice. I ask God: "Come to me. Fill me with your presence. I cannot handle this by myself. HELP ME. Be my energy and my rest."

Spirit, whoever you are, wherever you are, be with me now!

One of Gaye's favorite movies was "Castaway". As Tom Hanks was being stranded and lost all hope for surviving, logic told him that there was indeed no hope... Tom made a conscious effort to continue breathing and live one more day, Against all logic, a sail washed ashore one day and Tom was able to get off that Island and re-join civilization.

With my Sadness, logic tells me I will never be able to overcome this grief. But with God's grace, I will keep on breathing and attempt to move forward every single day.

I guess you never now what the tide might bring in.

I will keep you posted.

302 days

2009-06-22T09:41:00.007-04:00

10 months ago today Gaye passed. I miss her more today than August 23rd of last year. This day, I was hit with the the full range of emotions from sadness and helplessness to downright anger and bitterness towards God. For the first time, I can see and understand why people give up on life. I want so desperately to understand this chaos. I lean on my fragile psyche and faith to help me get through just another day. I find it impossible to see my life in the future without my Gaye and that is what fills me up with tears and sadness. I look so hard to find answers. All I get is silence - and that scares the hell out of me!

C.S Lewis wrote in a Grief Observed:

When I lay my questions before God I get no answer. But a rather special sort of no answer. It is not the locked door....It is more like a silent, certainly not uncompassionate, gaze. As though (God) he shook his head not in refusal but in waving the question.

Like: "Peace Child, you don't understand"

Sometimes, it seems our greatest hope is that we just don't understand. I will do my best to lean on Faith and Love. (Perhaps, that is why Gaye posted those words Faith, Hope and Love in our kitchen last year - To remind me daily of what is important!!!!)

I'll do my best Darling!

The Absence of her Company

2009-06-07T22:41:00.014-04:00

We cannot re-create this world....

We cannot even, truly, re-create ourselves.

Only behavior can we re-create, or create anew.

- Alice Walker

Gaye was such an inspiration to me. Her Courage, Her Love, Her Intellect, Her Sympathy, Her Beauty, Her sense of Humor, Her Good Heart, Her Good Soul.

The absence of her company is all consuming.

As Peter Gabriel says in one of his songs "It's hard to move on, when you still love what is gone...."

As I had mentioned in an earlier entry, the first movie I went alone without Gaye was Curious Case of Benjamin Button. I watched it again this past weekend.

In the movie, Benjamin writes a letter to his daughter knowing that he will never see her again. He provides his imprint on how he hopes she will lead her life.

It is never too late or too early to be whoever you want to be.
There is no time limit.
You can start whenever you want.
You can Change or stay the same.
There are no rules to this thing.
You can make the best of it or the worst of it.
I hope you make the best of it.
I hope you see things that startle you.
I hope you feel things you have never felt before.
I hope you meet people with a different point of view.
I hope you live the life you are proud of.
If not, I hope you have the strength to start all over again.

Knowing Gaye, She would want me to follow this advice. She would hope I make the best of it and lead a life I am proud of. If not, she would expect me to have the strength to start all over again.

With Gaye's Love, Courage, Strength and Soul, I think she will pull me through..... Thank you baby!

Love, Hope and Faith - Part II

2009-06-01T08:46:00.009-04:00

Deacon with Gaye's Godson Max standing among Love, Hope and Faith

On May 15th, Valeria, my next door neighbor and mother of Max, came up with a wonderful idea of planting three Leland Cypresses in honor of Gaye in my backyard. Each tree representing Love, Hope and Faith. From an earlier blog entry, I had written how Gaye had hung these three words up in our kitchen to help remind us of what is important in this life. In my times of loneliness, I lean on these words with every fiber of my soul to help me move forward and let go of my profound sadness. It continues to be a constant struggle. God, I miss her so much!

Tonight all the hells of young grief have opened up again; the mad words, the bitter resentment, the fluttering in the stomach, the nightmare reality, the wallowed-in-tears. For in grief nothing "stays put." One keeps on emerging from a phase, but it always recurs. Round and round. Everything repeats. Am I going in circles, or dare I hope am on a spiral?

-C.S. Lewis

"The refusal to love is the the only unbearable thing"

- Madeleine L' Engle

If we had no one we loved enough to mourn for, how flat, how terrible, our lives would be. What would my life have been without Gaye whom I loved so much? Is it worth the pain I am experiencing to have Gaye for only this brief moment in time?

Of Course it is worth the Pain!

Last month, I was walking to the Gym from the parking lot and I came across a person wearing a shirt with the caption "Life is Good". I laughed sarcastically at such a statement. "Not for Me" I replied to myself. I then held a lengthy self debate on how would I best capture my life story for my personal T-shirt - Life is ......

It is such an easy thing to say Life is sad, Life is heartbreaking, Life is unfair.... but that does not fully describe my experiences in total.

Life is Love!

That is what comes to mind. Love is so wonderful yet it can be so Tragic.

With Gaye's love, I experienced the mountaintop.

With Gaye's loss, I feel the depths of despair.

I guess I could not have one without the other. That was the cards I was dealt.

Give me love, I will take it every time.....

2009-05-14T22:34:00.005-04:00

Tomorrow would have been our 5th wedding Anniversary. My happiest moment in this world was my Wedding Day, May 15th, 2004. Now, when I think of that most special day, it is easy to allow sadness and mourning take control for it is a reminder of what I have lost in my wife and best friend. I tell myself over and over "I cannot think that way!"

Make me to say, when all my griefs are gone,

"Happy the heart that sighed for such a one"

- Samuel Davis

Grief is so consuming, that it so hard to look ahead and foresee rejoicing - that I have been so blessed and privileged to share life with Gaye! I have been told, down the road, my gratitude for being in Gaye's life will far outstrip the terrible grief that permeates the whole landscape of my being. I am grateful, from the bottom of my heart, that my life has shared the life of Gaye. I must trust and have faith that someday my happiness as I remember our life together, will far outweigh the grief I feel now. Although I don't feel it and God knows I don't tell him, I am in one sense, the luckiest man alive, for I had the most Beautiful Wife and Loving partner.

Happy Anniversary Baby,

Deacon and I love you so Much!

Love Never Ends

2009-05-11T20:04:00.016-04:00

I will miss seeing her face and hearing her voice and knowing she was always there close to me. She has crossed a river from me that I must wait to cross before I see her again.

When I see a river I will think of her

- Terry Kay

God, how I miss the common everyday companionship of Gaye - The face across the table, the presence in bed, the voice calling Deacon and my name. What a truckload of responsibility and potential for pain we take on when we love another human being: There are so many dangers - betrayal, indifference, misunderstanding, and ultimately, loss. Yet, all of us have no trouble opting for love. To more than balance those dangers, we feel the possibility of life made rich through sharing experiences with another - of physical and spiritual warmth and communion.

My love for Gaye helps me form the strength to deal with her human loss. The hope, the experiences and the love we shared allows me to believe in the possibility of hope and happiness again. And the intensity of grief mirrors the intensity of shared love.

Love... bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends.

- 1 Corinthians 13:7-8

I find comfort acknowledging this separation that Gaye has indeed "crossed a river"

In my mind and dreams, I come to a river and relinquish Gaye's hand and watch her cross over. I struggle, I do not not want to let go, I hold on with every bit of my strength - I pour out my soul with tears and fear - I scream out to God to not allow her to leave me and let go of my hand, but I know I have no choice but to let go - Eventually I accept it and a sense of relief envelopes me. I have faith that she is safe. I trust God. With this faith, I believe I will cross the same river when my time comes and all my fears, doubts and sadness will lift.

When I see a river, I will think of my beloved wife, Gaye.

A Sign? I like to Think So!

2009-04-13T22:29:00.008-04:00

Easter is behind me. Thank God! It was a tough weekend. Listening to several sermons over the last several days, I not only prayed for the usual Strength and Hope but I asked God for an unusual request. During the season of Grief, one wants so badly to see a sign that can lift one's heart and fuel the faith that clings so delicately and fragile during the chaos and sadness. I simply asked God for a sign to help me with my faith in him. For if I know, if God exists, then I know, my Angel Gaye, is in a place that is beyond Imagination. For some reason, beyond my explanation, today was a very emotional day for me. I cried several times (at home, at the Gym, even walking Deacon around the block) I did not feel much better this evening as I was preparing for bed. As I was placing a magazine on my bed stand, I came across the below poem a recent friend gave me many months ago when we met at lunch. The poem was crammed under a big pile of numerous books and magazines. Well today at lunch, I finally got around to clearing my ever growing mountain of literature. So it was this evening, as I was placing a new magazine next to my bed, did I see this piece of paper turned down with the below poem. As I read, the poem seemed to speak to me. But, there seemed to be something extra special about this poem. As I finished reading the emotional prose, I noticed the date on the piece of paper was 4/13/00 at 9:31pm. The date my friend received this poem from another friend. This piece of paper had been on my bed stand for over four months - Yet the day and night I happen to read it, which happened to be a very tough day for me - was 4/13/09 at 9:52pm. I know, I know, it is only a coincidence, but to me it was very meaningful and impactful. I like to believe with every fiber of my being and soul that it was a sign, perhaps from God or Gaye to keep heart and to keep the faith. We do what we can to move forward. I will take whatever I can get these days.....

- If Tomorrow Starts without Me -

If tomorrow starts without me,
And I'm not there to see,
If the sun should rise and find your eyes
All filled with tears for me;

I wish so much you wouldn't cry
The way you did today,
While thinking of the many things,
We didn't get to say.

I know how much you love me,
As much as I love you,
And each time that you think of me,
I know you'll miss me too;

But when tomorrow starts without me,
Please try to understand,
That an angel came and called my name,
And took me by the hand,

And said my place was ready,
In heaven far above,
And that I'd have to leave behind
All those I dearly love.

But as I turned to walk away,
A tear fell from my eye,
For all my life, I'd always thought,
I didn't want to die.

I had so much to live for,
So much left yet to do,
It seemed almost impossible,
That I was leaving you.

I thought of all the yesterdays,
The good ones and the bad,
I thought of all that we shared,
And all the fun we had.

If I could relive yesterday,
Just even for a while,
I'd say good-bye and kiss you
And maybe see you smile.

But then I fully realized,
That this could never be,
For emptiness and memories,
Would take the place of me.

And when I thought of worldly things,
I might miss some tomorrow,
I thought of you, and when I did,
My heart was filled with sorrow.

But when I walked through heaven's gates,
I felt so much at home.
When God looked down and smiled at me,
From His great golden throne,
He said, "This is eternity,
And all I've promised you.
"Today your life on earth is past,
But here life starts anew.

I promise no tomorrow,
But today will always last,
And since each day is the same way,
There's no longing for the past.

So when tomorrow starts without me,
Don't think we're far apart,
For every time you think of me,
I'm right here, in your heart "
- Author Unknown -

2009-03-23T08:56:00.005-04:00

I received a letter from my Therapist last week. It was a beautiful spring morning and she was thinking of Gaye, Deacon and I. In the letter she mentioned that she had read my latest blog entry and the following passage from James E. Miller came to mind:

I have known the blessing of sharing time with another,
One whom I have LOVED deeply.
I have been enriched by their life,
and I have felt diminished by their death.

I have lived it all:
The laughter and the tears,
the singing and the sighing,
the darkness and the light.
I have known how the world can change before your eyes
when you lose the one you love so much.
I have felt lonely and alone

Like so many others, I have been acquainted with grief.
Like so many others, I have been taught the mysterious
lessons of mourning
I have learned that as I let go, something will always remain,
that as I bid farewell, someone will always abide.
I have learned that love does not end

- Not even with Death -

It continues to express itself in ways even new

When I am most alone, the spirit of God accompanies me,

When I am most afraid, the Promise of God comforts me,

When I am most fragile, the Hands of God upholds me.

I see that however much I did not wish for this loss,

my time of losing can also be a time of gaining.

For I can come to appreciate life as I never have before.

I can experience and cherish growth as I never have before.

I can share in ways that might not otherwise be possible.

I am learning to see the ways in which I have been so blessed

by the God who walked me through grief of winter,

who accompanies me into the grace of summer's new life.

From the book

-Seasons of Grief and Healing-

Thank you Beth for your Thoughts and Wonderful letter.

Some People never have that much to Lose

2009-03-15T19:51:00.007-04:00

I have to remind myself of how much I had been given. The Gift of Gaye was such a beautiful and special blessing. Every Day, I need to thank God that he guided Gelzer Loyall Sims III to the doorstep of Gaye Elizabeth Gwinn. Gaye's spirit was an incredible elixir and highly intoxicating . She had that quiet confidence and sparkle in her eye that made her so unique and different than anyone I have ever met. A woman with her Beauty and Credentials (MBA from Stanford) are not supposed to be that humble, fun, gracious, and caring. She certainly broke all the rules. After our chance encounter, we both knew our hearts would never be apart or alone again.

What keeps Grief and Sorrow an ever present friend is the realization that Gaye and I will not achieve our dreams together in this life. We had so many places to go.... Things to do..... More love to share.....

Without Gaye, I feel I have lost so much.
But, then again, with Gaye, I have also loved so great!!!!
I have been blessed to have Gaye's great LOVE.
Only a few in this world has encountered this truly unique and intoxicating Gift!
Only a few have experienced her LOVE
I have been so blessed to have received that Gift.
I am aware of how much I had been Given.

Her Gift Comforts me.
Even in my pain, I hold close to my heart the Gift of Gaye's life and LOVE.

Some Days are Better than Others

2009-02-10T20:04:00.003-05:00

Gaye was given a CD from North Point Ministries titled "Hope, When Life Hurts Most" I came across this CD as I was going through some of her things the other day. I wonder if she listened to it? I hope she did. It had a deep and hopeful impact on me. There was a poem that hit home and perfectly describes my angst and sadness but hopeful faith. There are days where I want to scream at God at the top of my lungs looking for understanding, strength and love. This poem says it best:

Some days are better than others
The struggle within is a constant struggle
It goes back and forth
Some days are better than others
Laughing, Crying, Living, Dieing
It is a circle, a very exhausting circle
Continuing in faith, but almost losing Hope
Some Days are better than others
The enemy pulls one way
He is so strong
My Savior has his arms around me
Holding me tight
The enemy shouts, "Why didn't you save her?"
And my savior whispers to me "I Did"
Some Days are better than others.

I have to believe and have faith that God is Good. But sometimes I do lose hope. Some Days are better than others.