No Mud, No Lotus

I have learned that all of us in life will 

get stuck in the Mud.

(For me it has been 5 years)

The question is what do we do about it and how do we respond?

Is it Mud I open to and Blossom out of,

or do I just get stuck and wallow in it?
There were very special folks along the way that tried to help me,
but at the end of the day, I just didn't open up and take their hand to pull me out.

One writer wrote that a sign of enlightenment is

when we have to take a detour, can we still enjoy the scenery?

I had so much self pity for the perceived detour,
I wanted to feel the Pain. The Pain for sure was real.
Ahh, that was something I could count on and not be afraid of losing.
It was a horrible state and I am pained by the Heart(s) I hurt.

Nope,
There was no Perceived Scenery to enjoy

As one of my favorite books articulated:
“Grief does not change you, Hazel. It reveals you.” 
― John Green, The Fault in Our Stars

With the full blown weight of Grief behind me,
I have come to the realization, that my life was not a detour at all,

but perhaps this was my destiny!!!

This was my Path all along.
God's Road map for me Placed me on this Path
to Love, to Cherish, to Experience
the most amazing Woman and be by her side
as she left her physical shell.

For if this was God's Path for me,
I could not think of a better Gift and Blessing...
(A few more years by my side sure would have been nice)

The Aftermath,
though, took it's toll.
The Loss was more than I could handle.
Self Pity and Depression enveloped my existence.
The Dark Night of the Soul burned bright.

But, Here I am today....
A new Chapter has begun.
Gaye can finally be proud that I can now move on
and release my tight grip on her.

I Believe it is the Mud that

 has served as an Awakening and Transformation for me.

Mud!
A source of awakening?

The Lotus, a beautiful flower,

can only blossom when it is deeply rooted in mud.
I needed the Mud to to help me see the Light and
become the Man I strive to be.

The Sadness and Guilt was a Detour merely in my Mind and Being!

I held onto that belief far too long.
I felt my life had been wronged, It was bad, I was victimized

Life shouldn't be like this!

It is not Damn Fair!!!!

Through a tremendous amount of Help and Guidance,
I have come to Bless what I have been through.

It was simply meant to be this way...

“The best way is not to fight it, just go. 
Don't be trying all the time to fix things. 
What you run from only stays with you longer. 
When you fight something, you only make it stronger.” 
― Chuck Palahniuk, Invisible Monsters

It has come down to Acceptance...
I have come to love my Path...
(For if my path meant being with Gaye, what was there not to love)
My Path was my Destiny....

After the Loss,
My Guilt, My fears, My Insecurities, My Doubts,

in other words,
My Mud...
I have come to realize, has actually nourished
my freedom and allowed me to Transform.

It served my Awakening.

No Longer will I look at being stuck in the Mud as a bad thing.

For it has been Mud that has allowed me to blossom into

Compassion, Mindfulness,Transformation

and now an 

Awakened Heart.
A Heart that is ready to bloom....

With God in control, I welcome my future Path.

(And even enjoy the Scenery)

My dear friend Lori
"There is nothing on this earth more to be prized than true friendship" 

Divine Plan

Today would have been my 9th Wedding Anniversary with Gaye

“The worst part of holding the memories is not the pain. 

It's the loneliness of it. 

Memories need to be shared.” 
― Lois Lowry, The Giver

The reason I began this Blog was to broadcast to the world the impact
 this one Girl had on a wandering and aimless soul.

For those who did not get kissed by God and met Gaye,
my goal was to share a small glimpse of what Heaven on Earth was like.

As I close this chapter of my life and embark on an adventure to follow my Bliss,
I happened to come across a Prayer last week that Gaye had cut out and
placed in a book I randomly happened to just pick up.

The Prayer is called:

Divine Plan
"We each have many roles in life. Some of them we claim in seeming order, according to a plan--
such as first getting an education, next establishing a career, then raising a family,
and finally enjoying retirement.

But no matter where we are in our life's journey, we probably have had to take a detour or two
along the way. And out of an unplanned event and apparent disorder, 
we realized some of our most rewarding experiences.

We learned we were stronger, wiser, and more patient than we ever dreamed we could be.
And most importantly, we learned that God had something better in store for us than we could 
ever imagine. 

Now, we understand that our best plan is be prepared to accept the 
wonderful possibilities of a divine plan.

For those that do not believe that something is going on greater than ourselves,
I say take a deep breath, look around and reflect.
There is no question in my mind, that someone or something is
looking down on me with unconditional love.

I am ready for a rejuvenation of life and love.....
I can't remember ever feeling this way.
For the first time in my Life, I handing the reigns completely over to God
to accept the wonderful possibilities of a

 Divine Plan.

Happy Anniversary Gaye,
Faith, Hope and Love
has pulled my through the heartaches.
It is finally time
to Follow my Bliss....
(I know you and God will be showing me the way)

What a Comfort that is......

A man is not where he lives, but where he loves. – Latin Proverb

We are always getting ready to live 

but never living.

 – Ralph Waldo Emerson - 

It has been a long time for me......

Living under the weight of Guilt, Grief and Sadness.

I have missed out on so much over the last 4 years.
At times, it felt that my Heart also exited this world 
on August 22nd, 2008 
along with Gaye.

I have read countless books that the weight and Grief would eventually dissipate.
I have even written on this blog that I have seen tangible glimpses of
HOPE.
But Nothing Permanent...

I have prayed, I have pleaded, I have begged with God,
to leave the Darkness behind and Experience
life and love with an open Heart.

My Whole world has changed recently.
The Weight and anchor of Grief, Sadness and Guilt
that was tied to my Heart has been lifted.

To get me over the Precipice, it took the shattering of my heart, again.
I lost someone very close, very Dear, very special to me,
Someone I Love,
to push me out of the Darkness and expose light on my Dormant Heart.
To my Heart Break, I was unable open my Heart in time.
I guess Timing is as Vital as Love.
When you hit rock bottom, the only way to look is up.

“Sometimes the only way the good Lord can get into some hearts is to break them.” 
― Fulton J. Sheen
(I guess it took two breaks for me to finally understand)

No Matter how much it Hurts, No matter I much I am Pained,

I refuse to have regrets...

I know it might sound crazy but I thank 

God everyday for what I have been through.
I am standing here as a Transformed New Man,
ready to fully embrace Love for the first time in my life.
Thank You Lord for Opening my Eyes and Heart through the tears.

I lost my way for a long time, but I am back with 
love and a newly discovered open Heart.

I understand, God.

You have shown me,
Love is going to be my salvation once again. 
Perhaps like November 10th, 2001
when you placed an Earthly Angel on my path and
in my Heart. 

 I believe You are preparing me 

for something so special...

A New Dawn

A New Beginning

A Fresh Start

God, I ain't going to lie,

I am extremely scared.

But who wants to read a book with no drama, twists and turns.

It's going to be a Helluva Comeback story....

Say tuned....