Blessed Man

"The Privilege of  a lifetime is being who you are"
Joseph Campbell

Might I make a revision to the above quote from my favorite author:
"The privilege of a lifetime are the souls you encounter
 and the love you share"

Thank you Lisa for not giving up on Me and Us.

An Affirmation for a Hungry Soul

When will things go back to the way they were before?

The answer is, probably never.

But then, things rarely do, do they?

The spirit doesn't seem to lead us backward to what we are familiar with,

but forward into the unknown... 

We cannot chart the exact course of this transformation.

We can only go through it and experience the pain of change as well

as the joy of the new life which we trust 

God is leading us....

Thank you LM for sharing with me the above affirmation.

I can't express how much it has touched my heart and spirit!!!!

LM and I enjoying a beautiful Sunset at the Lake

An EASY life is BORING!

"Be not the slave of your own past-

plunge into the sublime seas, dive deep, and swim far, so you shall come back with self-respect, with new power, with an advanced experience, that shall explain and overlook the old." 

Ralph Waldo Emerson

I recently came across the below words from Maston Kipp, 

a spiritual adviser and blogger that truly touched my heart!

 With our doubt. With our terrified selves who would rather die than open up and be hurt again.

Well I’m sorry - pain is a part of life. And those who can tolerate, understand and eventually come to terms with pain are the ones who rise above the rest. Life is simple, but life is not easy. It’s freakin’ hard. But so what? Since when was life supposed to be easy? Who told us this and why did we believe it?

Just because you are spiritual, doesn't mean you get it easy. It’s BECAUSE you are spiritual that you get even MORE crap thrown on you, ‘cuz The Divine knows you can handle it.

We don’t get a finely tuned body by being lazy. We get it by LITERALLY ripping our muscles apart and allowing them to heal back together, stronger.

I've come to believe that resistance is the force that keeps us alive. Without resistance, without friction we do not and cannot live to the fullest.

It is AGAINST the wind that the airplane flies. It is FRICTION that allows us to walk the earth. It is getting uncomfortable that allows us to grow beyond the discomfort.

Yes, my friends, GRACE is real. GRACE HAPPENS. You are SURROUNDED by GRACE, but it doesn't mean you get an easy lot in life. Hear me - you think you do, but you actually DON’T want it easy. An easy life is BORING. In an easy life, there is NO GROWTH, NO VARIETY, nothing to be earned. In an easy life, you die in your comfort zone with unrealized dreams.

So how are you showing up to life? Are you showing up entitled because it’s “so hard”? Or are you looking the friction, the resistance and the hard times dead in the face with GRATITUDE and PRAISE shouting OUT LOUD, “THANK YOU FOR MAKING ME BETTER, STRONGER and showing me HOW POWERFUL I TRULY AM”?

Hear me my friends, how you MEET and DEAL and GIVE MEANING to resistance is how successful you will be in life. If you resent it, or are entitled and bratty and think it shouldn't be this way – enjoy being an observer of life. BUT – if you meet RESISTANCE with the KNOWING and the CERTAINTY that YOU and THE DIVINE got this, and instead of saying “WHY ME?” you say “TRY ME!” – you can count that eventually you will be welcomed into the realm of those who have the PRIVILEGE to live their dreams.

So, how are you showing up for life today?

I am done being an Observer!!!

I am going to live my Dreams and make the most of this Blessed life I have had!

Another Beautiful Masterpiece from God at the Lake!!!!

No Mud, No Lotus

I have learned that all of us in life will 

get stuck in the Mud.

(For me it has been 5 years)

The question is what do we do about it and how do we respond?

Is it Mud I open to and Blossom out of,

or do I just get stuck and wallow in it?
There were very special folks along the way that tried to help me,
but at the end of the day, I just didn't open up and take their hand to pull me out.

One writer wrote that a sign of enlightenment is

when we have to take a detour, can we still enjoy the scenery?

I had so much self pity for the perceived detour,
I wanted to feel the Pain. The Pain for sure was real.
Ahh, that was something I could count on and not be afraid of losing.
It was a horrible state and I am pained by the Heart(s) I hurt.

Nope,
There was no Perceived Scenery to enjoy

As one of my favorite books articulated:
“Grief does not change you, Hazel. It reveals you.” 
― John Green, The Fault in Our Stars

With the full blown weight of Grief behind me,
I have come to the realization, that my life was not a detour at all,

but perhaps this was my destiny!!!

This was my Path all along.
God's Road map for me Placed me on this Path
to Love, to Cherish, to Experience
the most amazing Woman and be by her side
as she left her physical shell.

For if this was God's Path for me,
I could not think of a better Gift and Blessing...
(A few more years by my side sure would have been nice)

The Aftermath,
though, took it's toll.
The Loss was more than I could handle.
Self Pity and Depression enveloped my existence.
The Dark Night of the Soul burned bright.

But, Here I am today....
A new Chapter has begun.
Gaye can finally be proud that I can now move on
and release my tight grip on her.

I Believe it is the Mud that

 has served as an Awakening and Transformation for me.

Mud!
A source of awakening?

The Lotus, a beautiful flower,

can only blossom when it is deeply rooted in mud.
I needed the Mud to to help me see the Light and
become the Man I strive to be.

The Sadness and Guilt was a Detour merely in my Mind and Being!

I held onto that belief far too long.
I felt my life had been wronged, It was bad, I was victimized

Life shouldn't be like this!

It is not Damn Fair!!!!

Through a tremendous amount of Help and Guidance,
I have come to Bless what I have been through.

It was simply meant to be this way...

“The best way is not to fight it, just go. 
Don't be trying all the time to fix things. 
What you run from only stays with you longer. 
When you fight something, you only make it stronger.” 
― Chuck Palahniuk, Invisible Monsters

It has come down to Acceptance...
I have come to love my Path...
(For if my path meant being with Gaye, what was there not to love)
My Path was my Destiny....

After the Loss,
My Guilt, My fears, My Insecurities, My Doubts,

in other words,
My Mud...
I have come to realize, has actually nourished
my freedom and allowed me to Transform.

It served my Awakening.

No Longer will I look at being stuck in the Mud as a bad thing.

For it has been Mud that has allowed me to blossom into

Compassion, Mindfulness,Transformation

and now an 

Awakened Heart.
A Heart that is ready to bloom....

With God in control, I welcome my future Path.

(And even enjoy the Scenery)

My dear friend Lori
"There is nothing on this earth more to be prized than true friendship" 

Divine Plan

Today would have been my 9th Wedding Anniversary with Gaye

“The worst part of holding the memories is not the pain. 

It's the loneliness of it. 

Memories need to be shared.” 
― Lois Lowry, The Giver

The reason I began this Blog was to broadcast to the world the impact
 this one Girl had on a wandering and aimless soul.

For those who did not get kissed by God and met Gaye,
my goal was to share a small glimpse of what Heaven on Earth was like.

As I close this chapter of my life and embark on an adventure to follow my Bliss,
I happened to come across a Prayer last week that Gaye had cut out and
placed in a book I randomly happened to just pick up.

The Prayer is called:

Divine Plan
"We each have many roles in life. Some of them we claim in seeming order, according to a plan--
such as first getting an education, next establishing a career, then raising a family,
and finally enjoying retirement.

But no matter where we are in our life's journey, we probably have had to take a detour or two
along the way. And out of an unplanned event and apparent disorder, 
we realized some of our most rewarding experiences.

We learned we were stronger, wiser, and more patient than we ever dreamed we could be.
And most importantly, we learned that God had something better in store for us than we could 
ever imagine. 

Now, we understand that our best plan is be prepared to accept the 
wonderful possibilities of a divine plan.

For those that do not believe that something is going on greater than ourselves,
I say take a deep breath, look around and reflect.
There is no question in my mind, that someone or something is
looking down on me with unconditional love.

I am ready for a rejuvenation of life and love.....
I can't remember ever feeling this way.
For the first time in my Life, I handing the reigns completely over to God
to accept the wonderful possibilities of a

 Divine Plan.

Happy Anniversary Gaye,
Faith, Hope and Love
has pulled my through the heartaches.
It is finally time
to Follow my Bliss....
(I know you and God will be showing me the way)

What a Comfort that is......

A man is not where he lives, but where he loves. – Latin Proverb

We are always getting ready to live 

but never living.

 – Ralph Waldo Emerson - 

It has been a long time for me......

Living under the weight of Guilt, Grief and Sadness.

I have missed out on so much over the last 4 years.
At times, it felt that my Heart also exited this world 
on August 22nd, 2008 
along with Gaye.

I have read countless books that the weight and Grief would eventually dissipate.
I have even written on this blog that I have seen tangible glimpses of
HOPE.
But Nothing Permanent...

I have prayed, I have pleaded, I have begged with God,
to leave the Darkness behind and Experience
life and love with an open Heart.

My Whole world has changed recently.
The Weight and anchor of Grief, Sadness and Guilt
that was tied to my Heart has been lifted.

To get me over the Precipice, it took the shattering of my heart, again.
I lost someone very close, very Dear, very special to me,
Someone I Love,
to push me out of the Darkness and expose light on my Dormant Heart.
To my Heart Break, I was unable open my Heart in time.
I guess Timing is as Vital as Love.
When you hit rock bottom, the only way to look is up.

“Sometimes the only way the good Lord can get into some hearts is to break them.” 
― Fulton J. Sheen
(I guess it took two breaks for me to finally understand)

No Matter how much it Hurts, No matter I much I am Pained,

I refuse to have regrets...

I know it might sound crazy but I thank 

God everyday for what I have been through.
I am standing here as a Transformed New Man,
ready to fully embrace Love for the first time in my life.
Thank You Lord for Opening my Eyes and Heart through the tears.

I lost my way for a long time, but I am back with 
love and a newly discovered open Heart.

I understand, God.

You have shown me,
Love is going to be my salvation once again. 
Perhaps like November 10th, 2001
when you placed an Earthly Angel on my path and
in my Heart. 

 I believe You are preparing me 

for something so special...

A New Dawn

A New Beginning

A Fresh Start

God, I ain't going to lie,

I am extremely scared.

But who wants to read a book with no drama, twists and turns.

It's going to be a Helluva Comeback story....

Say tuned....

Hardships often prepare ordinary people for an extraordinary Destiny....

"We must be willing to let

go of the life we planned

so as to have the life that is 

waiting for us."

--Joseph Campbell --

I was told,

Gaye mentioned to a close friend a couple months before she passed

that I would re-marry within one year after she died.

If anyone knew me during the days, months and now years after her death,

one might think what the Heck was Gaye thinking???

It has been one Helluva ride for me...

I have seen the Darkest Night of the Souls...

I have been so ridden with Guilt, Fear and Insecurities,

 I thought I would never see the light of day or of a future where

Love can envelope my heart again.

In my darkest hours, I took offense to 

Gaye's thoughts on where I would be within one year.

How could my soul embrace love,

after the North Star was stripped from this physical world?

I think I am finally understanding why Gaye made that comment.

My Soul mate know me better than I. 

She knew, even with all my foibles on sharing my feelings and expressing my love,

that I had the capacity to fully Love without compromise.

She knew, I was at my best, with a loving partner.

Gaye had Faith, Hope and Love for me that

 I would find someone to carry on and share something that is so special and unique.

Well Gaye, 

I am a few years behind your time-table. 

It has certainly not been a straight path but a very crooked road.

But now, I am ready to Love again with passion and fervor.

For the first time since your death, I can say that without

Guilt, Sadness and Grief.

I almost forget what an Open Heart felt like!

I guess you gave me too much credit to move on...

But because of you, I will love without hesitation and with wild, wild abandoned.

I will not let another opportunity slip away...

Thank you Gaye for having the Faith  that I will love again freely.

 I promise not to disappoint you my darling.

I know how happy you are to hear that!!!

Deacon, Max and I riding around the neighborhood

If God brings you to it, He will bring you through it.

I had a big break through over the last several weeks 

that I am overly excited to share.

My Grief for Gaye is complete.

After 4.5 years of sadness, depression and mournful anxiety, 

the veil that has enveloped my universe has been lifted.

Funny how Grief works, once it is lifted, 

one appreciates, values, and reflects

upon the dead in such a more constructive manner.

I truly appreciate the Love we had. 

It was an incredible Love Story.

But, that earthly chapter has been closed.

The anchor that was Gaye's love since her death has weighed 

me down to the great depths of Fear, Insecurity and Ego.
Time to simply let go...
Time to not be afraid of loving freely and without hesitation...
Time to allow myself to be Vulnerable...

A new Chapter, A new Story,

I hope and pray every day,

God will bless me with another Great Love!
Why Can't it be?

(I know without a doubt, 

My translucent Gaye is 

cheering louder than anyone)

Stay tuned...

"If you want a happy ending, 

that depends, of course,

on where you stop your story"

-Orsen Welles-

Approaching 4 and a half years without Gaye and you would think 

that I would have learned something by now. 

There are many times I think about how my life has turned out and how much

different it would have been with Gaye at my side.

 Of course that line of thinking is a fool's errand that only causes

Pain, Sadness and Grief.

But then again, there have been instances where such 

beautiful, translucent  light has shown through,

that I thank God for the blessings of having experiences that  

never would have happened if Gaye's Physical Presence existed.

I have made a great deal of mistakes since Gaye's passing.

God, too many to count, for sure.

One thing I recently learned,

which you think that I would learned 4.5 years ago.

 I have learned that LOVE is something 

that should 

never, never, never 

be taken for granted.

When you find it:

Hold on to it...

Nurture it...

Express it...

Don't hold it back...

A lesson I will surely take to heart moving forward.

In this blog, I always talk about 

FAITH, HOPE and LOVE.

Somewhere, along the way, I took LOVE for granted.

Now I am counting on FAITH and HOPE to help me overcome 

my mistakes so I can experience LOVE once again.

"Tell me a story.....

What kind of story, child?

A story with a Happy Ending

There is no such thing in all the world.

As a happy ending?

As an ending.

-Jeanette Winterson-

There are times I have so much doubt that it truly scares me, 

but I am moving forward, 

I must have Faith 

I must have Hope

 My story is still being written....