All my Mistakes led me to You

1095 days ago, (3 years ago today) I had my last date with Gaye.

Reflecting back, I wish I had told her so me things.

I am haunted by what I did not say.

Below is what I wish I told her:

Blessed are the fortunate few who find their twin soul and willfully unite against all odds to walk a path together. Despite every transgression, despite many mistakes, my soul found fortune on the day I met you. From the first moments we laid eyes on each other, something in this world finally made sense to me. With maddening intensity, I began to travel within your path as you began to travel within mine.  In a universe so large, I had been kissed by God to discover my soul mate.  You are my other half... that piece of me which was missing so long. The moment I loved you... the moment you loved me back... that was the moment I became whole. In this enduring love we need never fear being less again.

Within the beautiful brief flicker and hiccup of time which our bodies shared on this earth, we were blessed to share so many things. Our adventure for Travel, our passion for movies, our Love for Deacon, Our Dreams for the future.

I want to thank you Gaye, I want thank you for all the amazing things which you did for me in our time together within these physical shells. From the smallest gestures to the greatest gifts.... everything you did had such meaning and I want you to know my gratitude for them.

I want to thank you for all the simple things which while you were here, I'm afraid to say at times, I met with merely a nod, or at worst...with no acknowledgement at all.

Thank you for each time you worried with me in the face of my own hardships... for taking them on as your own and then together sending them packing.

Thank you for your bountiful humor and quick wit. Thank you for each radiant smile you showed me and for each you brought to my own face.  Thank you for giving your all to bring me cheer when I needed it. And thank you for bringing it to me when I neither needed nor expected it, though I enjoyed the extra savor of it within my life.

Thank you for always.... each day... having a fresh and exciting perception of the world in which we lived.

Thank you for the sharing of your love of everything beautiful. Thank you for showing it to me in places where I never would have thought to look.

Thank you for being so kind and loving to my family.

Thank you for the warmth of your lovely and exquisite body on cold nights. Thank you for the warmth of your love, always.

Thank you for having faith in me... even when I could not find that faith within myself. Thank you for being my biggest fan and North Star.

Thank you for the memories of all the things we shared.  Thank you for bringing me the joys and mystery of travelling to new and exciting destinations.  This new found passion is now a part of my DNA, as it was a huge part of yours.  Thank you for all the places and dreams you took me; Prague, Vienna, Hawaii, Tuscany, Paris, CA, NYC, etc...  If I never travel another mile, the places we experienced have provided me with a world of adventure and beauty far beyond the most unbridled dreams I could have managed before I met you.

Thank you for each and every memory of us alone together. Thank you for the weekend adventures, for the long massages, Thank you for introducing me to broadway.  Thank you for sharing my love for movies and TV and placing your head on my shoulders and holding my hand with every chance you had. That was contentment Gaye. That was Heaven on Earth... just enough to do me until I find the real one with you.

I thank you for the memories of you with Deacon. Watching you care and love on him brought such a glow to me. You were such a wonderful mother. I sense there are times even today, when Deacon patiently waits for your return. It breaks my heart to see Deacon without your love. One day, I am sure he will join you....a most glorious reunion of two Angels.

Thank you for the most wonderful wedding a man could ever be so blessed to have. I thank you for somehow falling under my spell and allowing me to raise your veil and become my "True Companion" in this life. I pinch myself everyday that a woman so smart, so beautiful, so caring, could love a man like me.
Only a precious, lucky few basked in your love. God, smiled on me.

Thank you for showing me your courage and tenacity as day after day you struggled and triumphed in working past every setback and heartache which you had so bravely endured.  Thank you for never letting those trials make you surrender.. for never allowing the fires of those trials to temper your spirit, hopes, and dreams into something lesser.

Thank you for the dreams of us having children which we never got to meet. 

Thank you for letting me be myself. Thank you for dealing with me as I was... not as you imagined or wished me to be.

Thank you for being tolerant of my failings. Thank you for neither crushing my ego, nor allowing it to grow beyond the bounds of sense.  Thank you for remaking me without ever setting out to do it. Thank you for helping me to understand my potential... for helping me accomplish more things with you than I ever could ever have dreamed alone.

Thank you for being not only my lover, but my best friend and moral compass.

Thank you for the imagination  in our life. For helping me to grow in appreciation of new things. For making my life more adventurous in all things from the least to the greatest.

Thank you for the opportunity to mature.

Thank you for your dependability... for always being there when I needed you.

Thank you for your honesty, your values, your morality and compassion.

Thank you for the few and far between bad times between us because even in those, I learned to grow.

I apologize for every time I failed you... every time I lacked the understanding you so deserved.

I apologize for not being patient and kind when I should have been.

I apologize for the times when I was selfish and failed to see your needs.  I have always loved you Dear, but in that love I know, at times, I let you down.  I apologize for running out of the house on early weekend mornings to the gym vs cuddling in bed which you so loved to do. I thank you for your loyal and forgiving love which has always made me feel like the luckiest man ever to live.

Thank you Gaye, for gracing my life with your loving presence.. for adding the sweet measure of your soul to my own and making me complete for the very first time.

I thank you for all these things My love, and for so much more

which I have neither the strength nor the words to convey.

Per your wishes, I promise to have joy and love life  

Perhaps, I will meet someone to hold my hand.
Perhaps I might even fall in love again.

(I know that is what you want)

Because of you, I know Love is not finite.

All my mistakes led me to you.

Faith, Hope and Love will see me through.

I simply owe everything to you.

I love you to the moon and back!!!!

(That is what I wished I said to her, Friday everning August 15, 2008.)

I think she knows

Hope Floats

Photo I took at Montserrat, outside Barcelona in May 2011

She thought that she had never before had a chance

to realize the might, grimness and tenderness of God.

She thought that now for the first time

she began to know herself,

and she gained extraordinary hope in this

beginning of knowledge.

--James Agee--

If one ever wondered about the limits of our strength

and our ability to endure,

the experience of losing one's soul mate,

will tell you much.

Life is shaken to the Foundation and core,
and all that we Believe, Feel and Love are put to the test.

But, yet we Survive

And out of the terrible, rarefied self knowledge comes

 a new found empathy with all that we encounter.

- A sense of the Wonder -
 at the Suffering and the Beauty

this world has to offer.

As Grief envelopes us, we do what it takes to survive.
We tell ourselves we can't give up.
We attempt to understand the incomprehensible.
A futile grasp at making sense of the loss.

So what we have is our Faith
and the simple
realization
that

We know ourselves to be in this world,
We know we are part of this world.
We also know that it is out of our hands.
We can't manage it; we can't control it
But through the grace of God,
through the hardship, through the loss
through the tears,
We discover in our faith and lost love,
We are in the hands of ONE who can.

In this purifying and terrible wisdom,

may I feel the regenerating presence of

GOD,

for

Consolation,

and for

Hope.

A Mighty Amen