Thursday, July 28

Watch your way then, as a cautious traveller,
and don't be gazing at that mountain or river in the distance,
and saying, "How shall I ever get over them?"
but keep to the present little inch that is before you,
and accomplish that in the little moment that belongs to it.
The mountain and the river can only be passed in the
same way; and, when you come to them,
you will come to the light and strength that belong to them.
- M.A Kelty

A lovely lady in her old age said that the only thing
in her life she regretted was the time she had spent worrying.

 I have to admit
I spend a great deal of time with worry and regret.
In my mind, I run through past scenes when Gaye
was present and dwell on the loss
and worry that life will just never sort itself out.
I worry the hollowness and emptiness within me
will never be restored.

I worry about how I will survive important dates?
Birthdays, Anniversaries, Holidays.
These will be difficult times
and there will be others I don't anticipate.

But as with the mystery of life,
I have no way of knowing what will befall me,

I like to believe it is Love, Relationships and Loss
that defines our lives.
Whether it be full of Passion or Pain,
or perhaps a mixture of both.

Nothing can fill the gap when we are away
from those we love...
We must simply hold out and win through...
It is nonsense to say God fills the Gap;
he does not fill it, but keeps it empty so that
our communion with another may be kept alive,
even at the cost of pain.
-Dietrich Bonhoeffer

It is strangely reassuring,
that the pain of that empty space will always be with me.
While I do want to feel better, I do not want, ever to forget
the love we so blessedly shared and experienced.

Accepting that fact,
Perhaps It's time to loosen my reign on
Worry and Regret






Wednesday, July 20

Because Gaye Lived

I came across a wonderful love letter from a young man to his late wife on a blog similar to mine.
The words are so poignant. I simply understand  his pain and the search for acceptance and understanding in the midst of loss and anguish.  His love letter is called - Today Because You Lived -

Today, because you lived, I will be kinder to others.
Today, because you lived, I will take the time to enjoy obvious beauty but also explore the overlooked and find radiance there as well.
Today, because you lived, I will not treat this day as a day of loss, but a reminder of the value of life.
Today because you lived, I will work instead of mourn, and will do the best job I know to do.
Today because you lived, I will not squander my day to pity nor indulgence, but I will remember with a smile and still raise my glass at the end of the day.
Today, because you lived, I know how to live myself.
And so today, because you lived,
 I can....and I will... as best as I know how. 

I just can't believe the third Anniversary of this LGW
 (Less Gaye World)
is upon me.
I have come to believe that August 22, 2008
was not the day Gaye's life was lost,
 but the day of her birth
into the only world that could ever be large enough to
hold her loving, free, amazing and adventurous spirit.

Happy Third Heavenly Birthday Dear. 
Not knowing what to get you, I send you a promise
that I will love today as best as I can...
Better than I knew how before there was you...
and I will remember... and I will smile.

I will smile, today because you lived.
Deacon and I enjoying a a summer night.
(After three years, I am still not accustomed to taking photos of merely me)

Tuesday, July 12

I will try to open my heart to life as it is now.

I am slowly, painfully discovering that my refuge is not
found in my mother, my grandmother, or even in the birds
of Bear River. My refuge exists in my capacity to love.
If I can learn to love death then I can begin to find
refuge in change.
-Terry Tempest Williams

At first, it seems like a ridiculous suggestion
-"learn to love death?"
Death, isn't that the enemy?
Perhaps what Terry (and God) is asking us to do,
is to Love and embrace the Truth, to love all that is.
So, from hearts engulfed with loss, longing and Grief,
All that we love today,
can we include in the sweep
of our love even that which has caused us enormous pain?

If we can, then perhaps
we can stop being imprisoned behind walls
of denial and anger; we can stop banging
our heads and our hands against what cannot be changed.
We can then accept what has happened,
and also accept the life we have...

I can certainly tell you
I am broken and beaten down from battling Death.
It cannot be changed so why do I fight with all that I have?

I must concede the battle
and accept what has been laid before me.

Love thy Enemy?
Embrace what I have so long fought?
I will open my heart to that possibility.

With Faith, perhaps death is not my enemy,
but a portal to all that I love and cherish.
A Necessary door that opens to all that
we dare to dream.

Faith, Hope and Love pulling me through.....

Tuesday, July 5

Charles Bridge, Prague
Where I made Gaye an  Honest Women and Me, the happiest man on Earth

In the New York Times the other day I came across a commencement speech from Chris Waddell, a current Champion paralympic ski racer that had an accident which broke his back and left him paralyzed from the waist down 8 years ago. Last year, as Chris was getting out of his car and pulling his chair out, a little girl rode by, on her pink bike, streamers coming off her handle bars, she asked Chris, "What happened to your legs?" Chris told her the story in which the girl replied, "So you'll never walk again?" and Chris answered with a sad voice. "No, probably not"  As she rode away, she said, "That's too bad."

Chris in reflection wish he could go back and let the little girl know; "If I never had my accident I never would have been the best in the world at anything. I wouldn't have turned a hobby into a profession. I wouldn't have acted in a soap opera. I wouldn't have met presidents and heads of state. I wouldn't be giving this speech at Middlebury College today.
      But that little girl saw the tragedy;
      she didn't see the potential gift.

In this Less Gaye World (LGW), I have to stop focusing on tragedy and loss. I was indeed so blessed to be the recipient of Gaye's heart.   (I still can't believe she married me.) I know part of the pain I am experiencing now was part of the happiness back then.  As I have said many times before, only a precious few on this earth were touched by her Spirit and Love.

Where is the Tragedy in that?
God, I was so lucky.

Out of the tragedy and loss, my gift has been the full faith I have in God today. Although, I might not understand anything, because of Gaye, I can lean on God for strength and acceptance and one day, understanding.

Faith, Hope and Love (and Deacon) - Reminding me of my gifts from Gaye everyday.