"When the Heart weeps for what it has lost, the Spirit laughs for what it has found."

I love that old saying.....

The weather here in Atlanta is so unpredictable these days. 90 degrees one day - two days later, temps dive down into the 60's.  One day, not a cloud in the sky - the next -a fierce storm can rip through our beloved area creating unforeseen damage.

My passage of separation from Gaye is very much like the fickle weather. One day I want to take my feelings and love to a new place, to separate from the old mournful self and graduate into someone that I strive to be. The next day, I just want to retreat and cling to what I know and have experienced.

Sue Monk Kidd says we have within us a deep longing to grow and become a new creature, but we possess an equally strong compulsion to remain the same - to burrow down in our safe, secure places.

An epic battle of light (Growth) vs. Dark (What we know).

I am in that fight -  I am holding on to the self I know. A desperate clinging rises up in me. We make a valiant attempt to "save" our old life.  In the words of Daniel Day Williams; "We fear it is all we have.  Even its suffering are familiar and we clutch them because their very familiarity is comforting...."

Thinking about my state: What is behind my clinging? Am I trying to save my old self? Do I fear the future because I don't know what might emerge? Am I afraid to change?

Looking up the word clinging, I discovered that it comes from the Anglo-Saxon word clingan, which means "shrink." Sure enough, an undeniable connection exists between shrinking and clinging. From a spiritual perspective, clinging creates a shrinking within the soul, a shrinking of possibility and growth.

To cling to "How it was" can be overpowering.

The courage to letting go is so damn hard but I know that is what I must do.

I know: 

Nothing Stays the same....

We must change forms.....

We must Grow....

We must imagine and dream the possibilities....
We must love what we had but not cling to it....

We must let go and leave the old behind....
We must hand ourselves over to God and have faith.......

With God's Grace,  I pray everyday for that courage....

Not Only a Dog!

A bittersweet laugh these days;

When I am out and about w/Deacon,

barely an instance goes by without someone saying

 how affectionate this red hair, green eye canine is by my side.

To be perfectly honest, the affection between Deacon and I

was nothing compared to the love between Deacon and Gaye.

One of the infinitesimal wonderful memories I have of my wife 

is the attention and love Gaye had for Deacon.

The bond between them was surely special and unique.

 It was a bond without equal.

(I merely try to fill in as a substitute)

In fact, one of my favorite stories that epitomizes

the love and compassion that Gaye filled this world with,

was when she was talking to a close friend about

the uncompromising love and companionship that Deacon provided.

This friend, tired of hearing about Deacon, replied;

"Gaye, he is only a dog"

Gaye told me that evening that she could never see that friend

 in the same light again.

Gaye would not allow the

 trivialization of Deacon's Love.

Perhaps from a sign above,

(I like to think so)

I happened to read a memoir from Dean Koontz,

about the impact his dog had in his life and love and

something similar Gaye came across

Dean Koontz says it best

Some will say

"She was only a dog"

Yes, she was a dog, but not only a dog.

I am a man, but not only a man.

 Sentiment is not sentimentaility,

common sense is not common ignorence,

and intuition is not superstition.

Living with a recognition of the spiritual dimension

 of the world not only ensures a happier life

 but also a more honest intellectual life

than if we allow no room for wonder

and refuse to acknowledge

the mystery of existance...

The life of a seamstress is no smaller

than the life of a queen,

the life of a child with Down syndrome

no less filled with promise

than the life of a philosopher,

because the only significant measure of your life is

the positive effect you have on others,

either by conscious acts of will

or by unconcious example.

Every smallest act of kindness even just words

of hope when they are needed.

has potential to change the recipient's life.

If by the example of her joy and innocence, a dog

can greatly change two lives for the better,

then no life is little, and every life is big.

The mystery of life is the source of it's wonder,

and the wonder of life is what makes it so worth living.

From the book "A Big Little Life"

I have to humbly agree with Mr. Koontz and Gaye,

Much more than a merely a Dog...

Gaye and Deacon were my Destiny.... I am so thankul