The Beauty of Imperfection

Another sleepness night, unable to turn off the brain.

Earlier this week, I found an email Gaye had printed and saved in a book called

"When the Heart Waits"

This email dates back to the first month we had met in 2001.

When I met Gaye, she was in the middle of a project of recording her Piano skills and compiling a CD of her songs to give to her mother and father as a Christmas Gift. The "project" was extremely stressfull for she wanted it to be perfect. (So Gaye) She had worked months practicing the arrangements and really thought it would go more smoothly when it came to recording the songs in a studio.

The email Gaye saved, was a note I had sent to her...

Gaye,

What you have accomplished is incredible. The gift that you have created for your parents came directly from your HEART, SOUL and BEING.  What better gift can a daughter deliver to their loving parents?  It's not important to parents that the gift they receive from their beautiful daughter is perfect and strikes every note succinctly.  As a matter of fact, I bet they will cherish the imperfections even more.  Perfection, quite honestly is easy to love but I think that is not true love.  True, ever-lasting, deep love comes from the imperfections a loved one sees for that is what makes a person human and unique.  They are going to hear your music and absolutely love every single note whether it be perfect or not. Your parents know your gift came from your passions, love and emotions that you have for them  and because of that TRUE love, they will cherish the CD for the rest of their lives.  I think your gift is the best present anyone can give a mother and father.  Perfect or Imperfect, quite honestly,  is not important. You have given them a present of True Love....

Gaye was not perfect but she was perfect for me.  It was her imperfections that I cherish and hold close to my heart. I thank God for what has been given to me and allowing Gaye to be my present of

TRUE LOVE.

So, as I move forward in life, I must remember that life is imperfect, not everything has a pretty bow tied to it. Imperfections, has tremendous beauty.  Gaye showed me that beauty and continues to do just that.

Thank you baby for saving that note and pushing me forward

There is no Shadow without sunlight behind it!

Side View from my Lake house after the snow had fallen on 2/12/2010

"We must be ready to allow ourselves to be interrupted by God"

--Dietrich Bohnhoffer

My neighbor at the lake sent me the above photo today.  The Picture reminded me of the beauty and tranquility that Gaye and I had fallen so in love with.  You see, we had bought this house and property in July of 2007 when Gaye was in remission. More than anything, it was a purchase based on Dreams and Hope - Of a life that would not be struck short by Cancer.  We forged wonderful memories in the 14 months Gaye was able to experience the retreat. Per Gaye's wishes, I spread half of her ashes on this hallowed ground.

It is very tough to visit these days without getting sad.  Deacon bouys my spirits though - For him, this is heaven and it excites me to see him so happy running at full speed around the woods chasing birds, deer and other wildlife.  Even in my loneliness and sorrow, this place holds me in its embrace and I am comforted by that sensation. I achieve a sense of wonder and reassurance by going out into the quiet night and looking up at the stars and absorbing the vast beauty of this landscape . Surely, in a world of such splendor and order, there must be meaning beyond our understanding.  There is a sense of intimacy to the night.  That nearest star, bright in the heavens --- is it a sign that tells me everything is going to be OK?

The mystery remains, but somehow I am comforted by the simple beauty of what Gaye and I created on this land.

On a side note - It has been 585 days since my last date with Gaye......but who's counting.

Since I cannot know, I will gamble on Faith and Hope!

The problem with death is absence.

--Roger Rosenblatt

After all the attempts to comfort ourselves and to make sense out of dying, we are left with a huge hole in the fabric of our lives.

"I miss you. I love you. I miss you so much."

I must have said those words no less than 5,000 times over the last 18 months.  I have been told that the absence will mutate into another kind of presence.  Gaye will now be with me in a way her living soul cannot be. In some ways, that is true.  And, yes , it is a comfort. Perhaps she has become my Gaurdian Angel, my link with the other side. But to let her go initially is one of the compromises I am forced to make with life and God. I have no choice and it breaks my heart to no end.

A compromise I hate to make - and pray everyday to understand.

Happy Valentine's Day Baby!