Crusade to Understand

In an earlier entry, I had mentioned that after time,

we begin to ask God

"What Now?" vs. "Why?"

I have to be honest though,

I have been on a quixotic quest for meaning and understanding.

Of course, on the surface, there are no answers to be found.

So we lean on Faith and God for some sense of peace and hope

that life in this world is merely an appetizer for our full course of 

what lies beyond Death. When you lose the love of your life,

you pray with such intensity for some level of Understanding and Grace.

-GRACE-

Grace came in the form of my Mother this past Friday night.

As she was over for dinner, out of the blue, she said to me

"You know Tripp, I believe God  put
 you and Gaye together

in order for you to be by her side through
all the struggles she had.

She could not have fought without you"

For the first time in this LGW (Less Gaye World)

I sense a plane of understanding.

Perhaps God chose me to

Meet, Fall in Love and be at Gaye's side through her fight?
Could this have been my chosen path?
If it is, I wouldn't want to have taken any other road.

Reading the book "Markings" from Dag Hammarskjold
this past weekend, I came across the below passage

Tired

And lonely,

The heart aches.

The fingers are numb,

The knees tremble,

It is now,

Now, that you must not give in.

This is your path,

And it is now,

Now, that you must not fail.

Weep

If you can,

Weep,

But do not complain.

The way chose you---

And you must be thankful.

Perhaps, (God) The way chose me.... for Gaye

And perhaps, this path leads to meaning....

Thanks Mom, for guiding me!

Gaye with Deacon's cousin, Sampson

Last night I dreamed I held you in my arms

The music was never-ending

We danced as the evening sky faded to black

One step up and two steps back

-Bruce Springsteen

Requiem for my Love

Gaye and I in Prague

Two years ago today, this world became less Gaye.
I pray everyday that Heaven became more Translucent.
 
The below passage is from, "Man's Search for Meaning."
The book is written by Viktor Frankl,
who spent time in four different concentration
camps during the Holocaust.
While he survived,
he lost his parents, brother and pregnant wife.  
In the midst of extreme suffering,
Viktor found meaning through the love of his wife.

 "... for the first time in my life I saw the truth as it is set into song by so many poets, proclaimed as the final wisdom by so many thinkers. The truth -- that love is the ultimate and the highest goal to which man can aspire. I grasped the meaning of the greatest secret that human poetry and human thought and belief have to impart: The salvation of man is through love and in love. I understood how a man who has nothing left in this world still may know bliss, be it only for a brief moment, in the contemplation of his beloved... My mind still clung to the image of my wife. I didn't know if she was still alive. I knew only one thing: Love goes very far beyond the physical person of the beloved.  It finds its deepest meaning in his spiritual being, his inner self...nothing could touch the strength of my love, my thoughts, and the image of my beloved. Had I known then that my wife was dead, I think that I would still have given myself, undisturbed by that knowledge, to the contemplation of her image, and that mental conversation with her would have been just as vivid and just as satisfying... Set me like a seal upon thy heart, love is as strong as death."

- Love is as strong as Death -
What a powerful Passage!

When everything is dark - when I am surrounded by sadness,

I will find salvation in the remembered love of Gaye and I.

A love that is a living force that sustains me in the present.

Through memory,

 love transcends time and death

and offers hope for my life.

Indeed, part of the pain now

was part of the happiness then.

I wouldn't trade my pain, my sadness, my loneliness

for all the treasures in the world

if it meant removing the source (Gaye)

That deal is non-negotiable.....

My pain, My sadness, My loneliness
Can't match the strength of Love.

Through Gaye, I too have found
meaning.

A Bittersweet Blessing....

Why fear the Dark and Unknown?

In the dark, Gaye walking Home in Italy

If God is, He is everywhere present.

He is not an occasional visitor,

nor ever more truly present than at this very instant.

He is always ready to flow into our heart;

indeed, He is there now - it is we who are absent.

- Arthur Foote

This Sunday, will be 2 years living without 

the physical beauty, love and companionship of Gaye.
It has been a helluva week for me emotionally.
Loss and Living without takes a toll.
The Unknown.....

The future seems so damn sad

in this LGW (Less Gaye World)

I have written a great deal about Faith and the

constant struggle to maintain it during those many

Dark Nights of the Soul.

There are some days where one just wants to give up the fight and

accept that Hope and Happiness
will no longer be part of the vocabulary.

Why go on....?

The struggle and fight are so damn exhausting.

Can't I just give up and allow
 Despair, Regret, Guilt, Bitterness and Self Pity
take over and control my life?

- GAYE -

Her Love is what keeps me fighting.

When I am feeling alone and cut off from all sources of support.

In times of extreme stress, sadness and self pity, I tell myself that

"God and Gaye are within me"

I have FAITH that this is true.

I read that the journey of faith is like

walking toward home in the dark.
There is no light to see by,
but we grope our way in this familiar
yet unfamiliar world, turning where the road turns,
moving toward what we know must be there.
Though we can't see ahead,
the ground beneath our feet feel right,
and as we approach a door that surely must be there,
someone inside, someone we love,
 turns on the light to welcome us home.

Down deep in my heart and soul,
I have a certain craving and knowledge that
God and Gaye are within me.
What more do I need to fight the Dark and Unknown?

 How can Hope and Happiness not be possible?

God and Gaye will be welcoming me home.
That is my FAITH.

Gaye touching my heart with her hand.
(Still doing that today)

There is not enough darkness in all the world to put out the light of one small candle....

 

This inscription was found on a small, new gravestone after a devastating air raid on Britain in WWII. Some thought it must be a famous quotation, but it wasn't. The words were written by a lonely old woman whose beloved dog had been killed by Nazi bombs. I have always remembered those words, not so much for their poetry and imagery as for the truth they contain. In moments of discouragement, defeat or even despair, there are always certain things to cling to. Little things, usually: remembered laughter, the face of a sleeping child, a tree in the wind....in fact, any reminder of something deeply felt or dearly loved.

No man is so poor as not to have many of these small candles.

When they are lighted, darkness goes away...and a touch of wonder remains.

One of Gaye's confidantes and a great friend to me
over the last two years sent this wonderful message.

Your words of encouragement have shine a light
through the darkness.
Thanks SS!

Through this experience, I will find in myself new strength and wisdom - perhaps, even, new joy.

You can shed tears that she is gone,

or you can smile because she has lived.

You can close your eyes and pray that she'll come back,

or you can open your eyes and see all she's left.

Your heart can be empty because you can't see her,

or you can be full of the love you shared.

You can ...turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday,

or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday.

You can remember her only that she is gone,

or you can cherish her memory and let it live on.

You can cry and close your mind, be empty and turn your back.

Or you can do what she'd want:

Smile,

Open your Eyes,

Love and

Go On.

-Anonymous

Whenever Gaye and I traveled to a new country, it felt strange and unfamiliar - but in the end, it opened our eyes to adventure, love and beauty. I find myself , once again in a new and unfamilar country, but now without Gaye. I have to have faith, even in my sadness, that adventure, love and beauty is there for me to experience. I just need to open my eyes and heart!

HOME

Gaye and I in Central Park, NYC

Gaye kept a journal over the course of the last two years

of her life which has been such a source of

inspiration and strength for me.

Quite frankly, I hate reading it because

my heart just hurts too much to absorb her words,

see her writing and feel her pain.

One of her last entries was a time when she just returned from

 a lengthy stay at Emory                                           

                                                     

Good Day:
Home!

I love being home.

It's hard; I'm scared - a lot ahead of me; long road.

But I'm going to take each step w/ God's grace and

family's love.

Thank You God - for the love of my family. Thank you!

She goes on to say writing in the middle of the night...

Good night - a little stiff + back pain. Tough to find a

(good) position, but Deacon and Tripp were great.

Got to rub T's Back and pet Deacon

and watch my boys sleep.

So glad to be home.....

After 23+ months living in this LGW (Less Gaye World)
I have come to the conclusion that I should no longer ask GOD,

Why?

My new Question to GOD is,

What Now?

With my dreams shattered and my heart broken into a million pieces,
I know I must pick myself up,

I know I must move forward.

I know I can't go back...
I know I can't stay here...
I know I must go forward....
(If I say it enough, can it happen?)

"There may be some good things in the past that you wish you could go back to, but in the end you have to let those go."  Dr Ray Pritchard

But it is just so damn hard to let go...

Where in this lonely world
do we find the courage to go forward?

Perhaps I'll find the strength
in Gaye's own words:

It's hard; I'm scared - a lot ahead of me; long road.

But I'm going to take each step w/ God's grace.....

Thank you God - for the love of my Gaye - Thank you!

I pray with every fiber in my soul that
Gaye is finally HOME.

The thought greatly comforts me.