Get out of my own way.....

If you are Brave enough to Leave

behind everything familiar

and comforting, which can be anything

from your house to bitter, old resentments....

...and to set out on a truth-seeking journey

either Externally or Internally,

and if you are truly willing to

regard everything that happens to you

on that journey as a clue,

and if you accept everyone you meet

along the way as a Teacher

and if you are prepared, most of all,

to face and forgive some very

difficult realities about yourself

then the truth will not be withheld from you.

-

Liz Gilbert

Eat, Pray, Love

-

The Rev. Susan Sparks once said

"Just get out of the way and let Jesus do his work"

What great advice for life.

Oh, we can put up a whole lot of blocks to the spirit.

Things like

Anger, Negativity, Fear, Doubt, Resentment, Sadness.

These emotions weigh us down!

We all have a spirit that yearns for joy and lightness -

a spirit that yearns to soar!

But then life gets in the way.....

In my microcosm,  Dreams have been destroyed,

Hopes dashed, Spirits crushed.

Life has become Flat, Heavy and Bleak.

With the new year upon me,

Here is to

new Hopes, new Dreams and new Possibilities.

Perhaps, I need to just get out of my own way and

let the lord do his work.

A chance to start again...

(With help from above)

Amen.

One of my recent Paintings.
I have found a new Passion!

My Special Christmas Gift....

Here we go, another Holiday season. For the first time in the LGW (Less Gaye World), I have put up a Christmas tree and actually decorated the house. It is a beautiful tree with all the trimmings that Deacon and I are quite proud of! Could this be a sign of healing?  Of course,  I still shed a tear most days.  But the tears are ones of great feeling and emotion and I mean that in a very positive and constructive way.

Because of Gaye,

I have come to understand, appreciate and fully envelope

Love and Compassion.

I read the below quote often to remind me of the love I shared and the blessing I had....

"Grief can destroy you --or focus you. You can decide a relationship was all for nothing if it had to end in death, and you alone. OR you can realize that every moment of it had more meaning than you dared to recognize at the time, so much meaning it scared you, so you just lived, just took for granted the love and laughter of each day, and didn't allow yourself to consider the sacredness of it. But when it's over and you're alone, you begin to see that it wasn't just a movie and a dinner together, not just watching sunsets together, not just scrubbing a floor or washing dishes together or worrying over a high electric bill. It was everything, it was the why of life, every event and precious moment of it. The answer to the mystery of existence is the love you shared sometimes so imperfectly, and when the loss wakes you to the deeper beauty of it, to the sanctity of it, you can't get off your knees for a long time, you're driven to your knees not by the weight of the loss but by gratitude for what preceded the loss. And the ache is always there, but one day not the emptiness, because to nurture the emptiness, to take solace in it, is to disrespect the gift of life."
— Dean Koontz (Odd Hours)

I like to think that is Gaye's present to me for this Christmas,
 Love and Compassion.

I couldn't ask for a better Gift!!!!

Two perfect Christmas Gifts
Gaye had just completed a Stem Cell transplant the day before this pic
which had kept her in the hospital for over 20 days.
It was a wonderful Homecoming.

Amazing Grace

"What we do differently today will have

changed the past for people in the future"

Those words are the introduction to Stephanie Ann Paulk's Blog.  An Artist, Writer, Poet, Performer, Attorney and Wife, Stephanie seemed to be such a unique individual. Stephanie died a couple weeks ago at the age of 38 from Brain Cancer. I had read about her passing in the obituary section of the AJC. (Us widowers look at the Obituary daily to see who is joining the club).

A beautiful looking girl, I was awestruck at her story and life and how she had handled her illness with such strength and grace since 2001.  (Yes, she does remind me of someone!)

I never had the pleasure of meeting Stephanie -  I think a loss for everyone that had not experienced her courageous spirit and love. Through Reading her Blogs, Poems and writings - I DO get a sense of who she was and continues to be.

I Like to think that certain people are truly a Gift from the Grace of God.  A gift that immeasurably changes our lives and defines who we are. Those that have been loved and touched by these gifts are in my mind, the Lucky Ones. Tell me who wouldn't want to be touched by an Angel?  Yes, indeed, we are the Lucky Ones!

No, I never met you Stephanie - but I do know that your life, passions and spirit carries on in those that were blessed to have been loved by you. What a Wonderful and Special Gift you were.

I like to believe you might even have a new Soul Sister on the other side.

Shadows and Sunlight

Photo of Castelo de Meleto Church, Chianti, Italy
From our Honeymoon

Each Substance of Grief hath twenty Shadows.

- William Shakespeare

They are everywhere....

The reminders of loss.

They ricochet off one another,
fill the empty spaces of my life.

I was at the airport the other day and happened to fixate on

a tall slender woman with
exquisite high cheek bones and flawless complexion.

I could not take my eyes off this other girl last week that had

Striking, Long, Raven Black hair.

I was watching TV this weekend and came across an actress with a

nose so similar it mesmerized me.

I had a dream last night that her hand held mine....

Each reminder is a shadow,
an anvil of loss, sadness and longing...

A distant memory that is beyond my touch.

God, I infinitely miss her
 Companionship and Conversation.

But these Reminders are also Sunlight -

Wonderful, Life Giving Sunlight.

A Reminder of what a Gift and Blessing I had. 

A Reminder of a Love without end.

I believe my Salvation will be discovered in this Sunlight.

I guess you can't have one without the other.

There would be no shadow without sunlight behind it!

With that fact, I'll accept both....
and pray the Sunlight beams through....

Nothing gold can stay

Nature's first green is gold,

Her hardest hue to hold.

Her early leaf's a flower;

But only so an hour.

Then leaf subsides to leaf.

So Eden sank to grief,

So dawn goes down to day.

Nothing gold can stay.

 

- Robert Frost

A Blessing

My journey of grief has hit a valley the last couple days.

With the passing of Gaye's mother, the flood of emotions,

sadness, mourning and emptiness has hit with Gail force winds

upon my rickety, small boat of Hope, Faith and Love.

A new friend provided me with the below words of encouragement:

Today-let's both acknowledge a couple of the most 
important blessings that we are grateful for.
Let's focus on those thoughts and make it a sunny day!

With that, I pulled a letter Gaye gave me this month, 6 years ago.

Dearest Tripp,
November 10, 2001 - was the happiest day of my life - up until that point in my life - because I met you (roast beef and all), and my whole world changed for the better! You were such an unexpected and wonderful gift! Every day with you has been a blessing!

November 24,2003 - was the happiest day of my life - up until that point in my life - because you held my hand as we walked along a small street in Prague (Store front to be forgotten thank you), and you asked me to "make it official" - to marry you. I remember the look on your face, the beat of my heart - I remember the unbelievable happiness I felt.

May 15, 2004 - was the happiest day of my life - up until that point in my life - because you said  "I do" and became my husband. I never knew I could feel such joy, love and hope.

Really, there are so many happy days in my life now because  you are in my life now.- you are part of my heart. I am grateful for every moment I have with you - that I can share my life and my love with you!

Never forget how happy you make me- never forget how much I love you in all times - and never forget how proud I am to be your wife!!!! 

All my Love, Gaye

I am so grateful and blessed for what God has given me. I need to
acknowledge I was given the greatest gift of all - Gaye's Love.
(As I write this, the sun has poked through for the first time on a very dreary and ugly day)

I cherish that blessed Love.

Thank you JM for reminding me of my tremendous blessings and how lucky I am!

Gaye and I in Costa Rica. Our last trip togther.

A less Vibrant World today.....

My Wife of 57 years was buried today beside our son,

who died in 1941 as a result if a truck accident when

he was hitchhiking to take a job. She has longed for him

all these years and know she is with him.

I know they are embraced in happiness.

- Terry Kay

Gaye's mother passed away this morning.

Rosalie Gwinn was such a special lady.

Another tragic and mournful loss of a beautiful life....
Of a Life that has helped so many people.

 Faith and Understanding being put to the test once again.....

Elisabeth Kubler-Ross who has done much

work on Death and Dying and for which I have read

many of her books,

says without a doubt,

- None of Us Die Alone -

Our loved ones come to greet us,

to welcome us to the other side.

I remember when Gaye died, thinking how much

my father and sister, who died many years ago,

would have loved and embraced Gaye getting to know her.
To offset my longing, I hope they have.

I pray for peace and acceptance today
of a hopeful knowledge
that Gaye and Rosalie are re-united and the bonds
of mother and child have been re-connected.
Please let it be so....

My heart so heavy,

I almost want to be with them.

No, don't worry, I am in no particular hurry.

 I take the naive risk of believing in hope and seeing
where it leads me.
(I guess I can blame Gaye for this Naivety of Hope)

Someday.... I think, when I am feeling confident in my

Faith and God and recalling all the loved ones I have lost....

The thought of rejoining the loves of my "Life"
is a thought I truly cherish.

No rejoicing now though...

Just the simple, cold, hard fact of another vibrant and loving
life taken by cancer.

F@#k You Cancer

I think that says it all.....

Get Busy Living.... (Movie Mysticism)

I have to remind myself that some birds

are never meant to be caged.

Their feathers are just too bright,

and when they fly away,

the part of you, that knows

it was a sin to lock them up,

does Rejoice!

But still,
the place you live in,
is that much more drab and empty that they are gone.

I guess I just miss my friend....

- Red,

The Shawshank Redemption

Remember Red,

Hope is a good thing,

maybe the the best of things,

and know a good thing never dies.

-Andy Dufresne

The Shawshank Redemption

I understand know more than ever why Gaye and I 

loved that movie so much.

I hope that God has let Gaye's wings finally soar

I hope.......

On a side note:

Happy Birthday GLS Jr.!

I like to believe you and G are having one heck of a time together.

Celebration of a Life and a Love

Happy Birthday Gaye!

I miss saying that.

Deacon and I will be doing something special today to celebrate

a Life and Love that changed our lives infinitely

to the better.

I came across a letter Gaye gave me early in our courtship..

She had sent me this note while I was off on a business trip.

Dear Tripp,

Obviously, you won't get this until
Monday Morning, but right now you are two
hours from landing in Atlanta,
and I felt this sentimental
urge to tell you how much I've missed you this weekend...
to tell you how much
you mean to me after so short a time. 
Last night - the sky
was so clear and the moon was full and beautiful.
I thought about you - in Boston,

maybe looking at the same moon -
thinking about looking at

many moons with you - of sunrises -
or anything so magical. 

Throughout the weekend, my mind would

drift to thoughts of you -
and my heart just feels so full of joy!

I can't wait to see you tonight-

I can't wait to be in your arms again!

Love,

Gaye

I know deep in my heart that Gaye is taking my

spiritual hand and pulling me forward.

I also know, the love she showed me has prepared this soul

to love again and embrace life without fear.

Her Birthday, yet she is still giving ME gifts.....

Happy Birthday Darling, Deacon and I love you so much.
(I am still looking at the moon...)

The Heart is the only Broken Instrument that Works

All the wonderful things in life are so simple that

 one is not aware of their wonder

until they are beyond touch.

Never have I felt the wonder and beauty and joy of life

so keenly as now in my grief that my love

is not here to enjoy them.

- Isak Dinesen

I think

these difficult times have helped me to undertsand

better than before how infinitely rich and beautiful life

is in every way and that so many things that one

goes around worrying about are of

no importance whatsoever.

This Friday, Gaye would have been 46 years old.
Deacon and I will celebrate the LOVE we were so blessed to have.
Yes, indeed, I do now know the
Wonder, the Beauty, the Joy of LIFE.
I now Understand what is Important.
The Cost of this Wisdom has been great.

Death leaves a heartache no one can heal,

love leaves a memory no one can steal

- from a Headstone in Ireland

The Mystery of Life and Death

All that we do

Is touched with ocean, yet we remain

On the shore of what we know.

-Richard Wilbur

With the Death of Gaye,

I yearn to know more.

What happens after Life?

Could it actually be the end?
In the spiritual power of faith, hope and love,
I want to believe the end of life is just the beginning.

But what is that like?

Does Gaye know my life today?

Does she know how much I love and miss her?
I do know she is finally free from the pain.
I also know, if there is a God,
her spiritual, caring and loving soul has been set free
from the limitations set by Life.
Gaye certainly earned it.
Never a Heart so True.

I yearn to know more....

What I can be fairly sure of,
from my own experiences and from experiences of others,
is that there is more going on in the universe
than we can detect with our five senses.

Of course, I will never know the answers to these questions,
but I play with them from time to time,
and trust that I will learn what I need to
know when I need to know it.

So in the meantime,
I stand on the shore and wonder....

....And have Faith
of a Soul set free....

True Companion

Deacon, Clancy and Sunny at the Lake house

I asked for strength that I might rear him perfectly ;

I was given weakness that I might feed him more treats.

I asked for a low maintenance dog
that I might rest easy;

I was given a "special needs" dog
that I might know nurturing.

I asked for compliance that I might feel masterful;

I was given a clown that I might laugh.

I asked for a companion that I might not feel lonely;

I was given a best friend that I would feel loved.

I got nothing I asked for,

But everything that I needed.

On Deacon's, 2nd Birthday, I created a coffee table book of Deacon photos for Gaye. The above poem was attached to the last page. I cannot contemplate where I would be be without the uncompromising love and true companionship of Deacon over the last two years. I owe Deacon my life, my love, my soul as I move forward in this less Gaye world. I thank God everyday for the Gift Gaye picked out for me.

As her friends and Family knew, Deacon was Gaye's baby - I see her love, I feel her warmth, I sense Gaye's spirit, in my loving dog's embrace. Deacon's love sustains me. Gaye would have been so proud of our Green Eyed Canine - realizing the full potential of this now adult Vizsla and witnessing how many people he has helped being a Certified Pet Therapy Dog at local Hospitals.

Suffice to say, Deacon has brought smiles to

hundreds of patients over the last couple years.

Add to that list, one life saved.....

Happy 5th Birthday Deacon,
My True Companion.

Gaye Loving on Deacon

The Healing powers of Nature and Faith........



View of from my backyard at Yellowstone during Labor Day 2010
Appropriately named Lone Peak

"The light died in the low clouds. Falling snow drank in

the dusk. Shrouded in silence, the branches wrapped me

in their peace. When the boundaries were erased,

once again the wonder:

that I exist.

-Dag Hammerskjold

Can it be in the wake of great sorrow,

when we become attuned and sensitized to all experiences,

and the mysteries at the edges of life,
we are more able than at other times to feel a kind
of unifying pulse with all that is?

Soaking in the beautiful landscape around
Yellowstone and Big Sky this past Labor Day,
I remember there being an almost tangible connection
between me and the mountain peaks and the
stars above that shone in the night sky.

This new found tenderness toward creation and nature
is a gift that came at a very high price.

Perhaps this is a new kind of expanded consciousness evoked
by me reaching out into the universe for what I have lost:

Where are you?
Do you feel me?
Do you see me standing here, thinking of you?
I love you, I know you know that!
I miss you so much!

On and on it goes, this make believe
mournful conversation with Gaye.
And yet, in the unity of life and all that is,
I get a sensation deep within my soul to  have
Faith and Trust....

who knows who is speaking
and who is listening?

I thank God for this sensation and the healing powers of Nature.
It greatly comforts me....

Our Destination on the first Hike

Crusade to Understand (Part 2)

Just a small picture of the full painting (I pray life is like that)

When I lay my questions before God, I get no answer.

But rather a special sort of No answer.

It is not the locked door

It is more like a silent, certainty

not uncompassionate, gaze.

As though He shook His Head not in refusal

but in waiving the question.

Like,

"Peace, child: you don't understand."

-C.S. Lewis

Listening to the sermon at my church yesterday,

Dr Watson expressed that sadness comes from trying to

understand life on our terms and not God's.

As I mentioned before, sometimes our greatest hope

is that we don't understand. With my sadness,
 At times I feel the futility of life and the
apparent finality of Death. It can simply be overwhelming.

A small comfort comes to me in that my understanding is limited.

Perhaps I stand too close?

Gaye and I had planned two trips to Rome but
Cancer would not release it's grip.

She was extremely excited to show me the Sistine Chapel.

Gaye had been twice before but never with a lover.
She simply wanted to hold my hand as we gazed up
at Michelangelo's painting.
(Ohh, the simple things in life I dearly miss)

To fully view the magnificent painting of

"The Creation of Adam" in the Sistine Chapel,

one must step far back at a great distance to

capture the full majestic beauty of this genius

Perhaps, in relation to life

I need to take a step back.
Hopefully, I am only looking at the

two fingertips touching and not the full canvas?

A very small piece of the whole picture that God has created.

Having no alternative...My greatest hope is that I don't understand.

Crusade to Understand

In an earlier entry, I had mentioned that after time,

we begin to ask God

"What Now?" vs. "Why?"

I have to be honest though,

I have been on a quixotic quest for meaning and understanding.

Of course, on the surface, there are no answers to be found.

So we lean on Faith and God for some sense of peace and hope

that life in this world is merely an appetizer for our full course of 

what lies beyond Death. When you lose the love of your life,

you pray with such intensity for some level of Understanding and Grace.

-GRACE-

Grace came in the form of my Mother this past Friday night.

As she was over for dinner, out of the blue, she said to me

"You know Tripp, I believe God  put
 you and Gaye together

in order for you to be by her side through
all the struggles she had.

She could not have fought without you"

For the first time in this LGW (Less Gaye World)

I sense a plane of understanding.

Perhaps God chose me to

Meet, Fall in Love and be at Gaye's side through her fight?
Could this have been my chosen path?
If it is, I wouldn't want to have taken any other road.

Reading the book "Markings" from Dag Hammarskjold
this past weekend, I came across the below passage

Tired

And lonely,

The heart aches.

The fingers are numb,

The knees tremble,

It is now,

Now, that you must not give in.

This is your path,

And it is now,

Now, that you must not fail.

Weep

If you can,

Weep,

But do not complain.

The way chose you---

And you must be thankful.

Perhaps, (God) The way chose me.... for Gaye

And perhaps, this path leads to meaning....

Thanks Mom, for guiding me!

Gaye with Deacon's cousin, Sampson

Last night I dreamed I held you in my arms

The music was never-ending

We danced as the evening sky faded to black

One step up and two steps back

-Bruce Springsteen

Requiem for my Love

Gaye and I in Prague

Two years ago today, this world became less Gaye.
I pray everyday that Heaven became more Translucent.
 
The below passage is from, "Man's Search for Meaning."
The book is written by Viktor Frankl,
who spent time in four different concentration
camps during the Holocaust.
While he survived,
he lost his parents, brother and pregnant wife.  
In the midst of extreme suffering,
Viktor found meaning through the love of his wife.

 "... for the first time in my life I saw the truth as it is set into song by so many poets, proclaimed as the final wisdom by so many thinkers. The truth -- that love is the ultimate and the highest goal to which man can aspire. I grasped the meaning of the greatest secret that human poetry and human thought and belief have to impart: The salvation of man is through love and in love. I understood how a man who has nothing left in this world still may know bliss, be it only for a brief moment, in the contemplation of his beloved... My mind still clung to the image of my wife. I didn't know if she was still alive. I knew only one thing: Love goes very far beyond the physical person of the beloved.  It finds its deepest meaning in his spiritual being, his inner self...nothing could touch the strength of my love, my thoughts, and the image of my beloved. Had I known then that my wife was dead, I think that I would still have given myself, undisturbed by that knowledge, to the contemplation of her image, and that mental conversation with her would have been just as vivid and just as satisfying... Set me like a seal upon thy heart, love is as strong as death."

- Love is as strong as Death -
What a powerful Passage!

When everything is dark - when I am surrounded by sadness,

I will find salvation in the remembered love of Gaye and I.

A love that is a living force that sustains me in the present.

Through memory,

 love transcends time and death

and offers hope for my life.

Indeed, part of the pain now

was part of the happiness then.

I wouldn't trade my pain, my sadness, my loneliness

for all the treasures in the world

if it meant removing the source (Gaye)

That deal is non-negotiable.....

My pain, My sadness, My loneliness
Can't match the strength of Love.

Through Gaye, I too have found
meaning.

A Bittersweet Blessing....

Why fear the Dark and Unknown?

In the dark, Gaye walking Home in Italy

If God is, He is everywhere present.

He is not an occasional visitor,

nor ever more truly present than at this very instant.

He is always ready to flow into our heart;

indeed, He is there now - it is we who are absent.

- Arthur Foote

This Sunday, will be 2 years living without 

the physical beauty, love and companionship of Gaye.
It has been a helluva week for me emotionally.
Loss and Living without takes a toll.
The Unknown.....

The future seems so damn sad

in this LGW (Less Gaye World)

I have written a great deal about Faith and the

constant struggle to maintain it during those many

Dark Nights of the Soul.

There are some days where one just wants to give up the fight and

accept that Hope and Happiness
will no longer be part of the vocabulary.

Why go on....?

The struggle and fight are so damn exhausting.

Can't I just give up and allow
 Despair, Regret, Guilt, Bitterness and Self Pity
take over and control my life?

- GAYE -

Her Love is what keeps me fighting.

When I am feeling alone and cut off from all sources of support.

In times of extreme stress, sadness and self pity, I tell myself that

"God and Gaye are within me"

I have FAITH that this is true.

I read that the journey of faith is like

walking toward home in the dark.
There is no light to see by,
but we grope our way in this familiar
yet unfamiliar world, turning where the road turns,
moving toward what we know must be there.
Though we can't see ahead,
the ground beneath our feet feel right,
and as we approach a door that surely must be there,
someone inside, someone we love,
 turns on the light to welcome us home.

Down deep in my heart and soul,
I have a certain craving and knowledge that
God and Gaye are within me.
What more do I need to fight the Dark and Unknown?

 How can Hope and Happiness not be possible?

God and Gaye will be welcoming me home.
That is my FAITH.

Gaye touching my heart with her hand.
(Still doing that today)

There is not enough darkness in all the world to put out the light of one small candle....

 

This inscription was found on a small, new gravestone after a devastating air raid on Britain in WWII. Some thought it must be a famous quotation, but it wasn't. The words were written by a lonely old woman whose beloved dog had been killed by Nazi bombs. I have always remembered those words, not so much for their poetry and imagery as for the truth they contain. In moments of discouragement, defeat or even despair, there are always certain things to cling to. Little things, usually: remembered laughter, the face of a sleeping child, a tree in the wind....in fact, any reminder of something deeply felt or dearly loved.

No man is so poor as not to have many of these small candles.

When they are lighted, darkness goes away...and a touch of wonder remains.

One of Gaye's confidantes and a great friend to me
over the last two years sent this wonderful message.

Your words of encouragement have shine a light
through the darkness.
Thanks SS!

Through this experience, I will find in myself new strength and wisdom - perhaps, even, new joy.

You can shed tears that she is gone,

or you can smile because she has lived.

You can close your eyes and pray that she'll come back,

or you can open your eyes and see all she's left.

Your heart can be empty because you can't see her,

or you can be full of the love you shared.

You can ...turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday,

or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday.

You can remember her only that she is gone,

or you can cherish her memory and let it live on.

You can cry and close your mind, be empty and turn your back.

Or you can do what she'd want:

Smile,

Open your Eyes,

Love and

Go On.

-Anonymous

Whenever Gaye and I traveled to a new country, it felt strange and unfamiliar - but in the end, it opened our eyes to adventure, love and beauty. I find myself , once again in a new and unfamilar country, but now without Gaye. I have to have faith, even in my sadness, that adventure, love and beauty is there for me to experience. I just need to open my eyes and heart!

HOME

Gaye and I in Central Park, NYC

Gaye kept a journal over the course of the last two years

of her life which has been such a source of

inspiration and strength for me.

Quite frankly, I hate reading it because

my heart just hurts too much to absorb her words,

see her writing and feel her pain.

One of her last entries was a time when she just returned from

 a lengthy stay at Emory                                           

                                                     

Good Day:
Home!

I love being home.

It's hard; I'm scared - a lot ahead of me; long road.

But I'm going to take each step w/ God's grace and

family's love.

Thank You God - for the love of my family. Thank you!

She goes on to say writing in the middle of the night...

Good night - a little stiff + back pain. Tough to find a

(good) position, but Deacon and Tripp were great.

Got to rub T's Back and pet Deacon

and watch my boys sleep.

So glad to be home.....

After 23+ months living in this LGW (Less Gaye World)
I have come to the conclusion that I should no longer ask GOD,

Why?

My new Question to GOD is,

What Now?

With my dreams shattered and my heart broken into a million pieces,
I know I must pick myself up,

I know I must move forward.

I know I can't go back...
I know I can't stay here...
I know I must go forward....
(If I say it enough, can it happen?)

"There may be some good things in the past that you wish you could go back to, but in the end you have to let those go."  Dr Ray Pritchard

But it is just so damn hard to let go...

Where in this lonely world
do we find the courage to go forward?

Perhaps I'll find the strength
in Gaye's own words:

It's hard; I'm scared - a lot ahead of me; long road.

But I'm going to take each step w/ God's grace.....

Thank you God - for the love of my Gaye - Thank you!

I pray with every fiber in my soul that
Gaye is finally HOME.

The thought greatly comforts me.

The Good Things.......

One of the good things... engagement night in Prague

People in mourning have to come to grips with death

before they can live again. Mourning can go on for years

and years. It doesn't end after one or two years;

that's a false fantasy. It usually ends when people

realize that they can live again,

that they can concentrate their energies

on their lives as a whole,

and not on their hurt, and guilt and pain.

-Elisabeth Kubler-Ross

The question before me, 

how can I incorporate my grief and loss,

so that it does not continue to dominate my life?
How can I get to that stage in my life

that it is no longer the first thing I think

of when I wake up in the morning,

or the last thing I relinquish before I sleep?

I heard a story where a child said to his mother,

in regard to the outpouring of kindness after his

father's death,

"There are so many good things,
There's just one bad thing."

There were an infinite amount of  good things

between Gaye and I.

 I was so blessed.

That "One Bad thing" will always be there,

but I pray everyday that it begins to take its

place among the infinitesimal good things so I can

appreciate and cherish the life I am experiencing.

I am doing my best baby.......

P.S.

I heard a widower the other day

say on his birthday about the prospect of getting old and

being alone.

"Just one day closer to seeing Mable"

-Referring to his late wife-

God, I love that.....

The Sunday Sermon

You do not have to sit outside in the dark,

if, however, you want to look at the stars,

you will find that darkenss is required

The stars neither require it nor demand it.

- Annie Dillard

My take away from the sermon today -

 Life can be a beautiful experience

Don't be afraid to step into the unknown.
The Whole World is outside
See it,
Feel it,
Experience it.
Take a chance.......

( I know who wants me to)

Ramblings during a Meltdown....

Gaye in Vienna

Real grief is not healed by time... If time does anything,

it deepens my grief.  The longer I live, the more fully

I become aware of who she was for me, and the more

intimately I experience what her love meant for me.

Real, deep love is, as you know, very unobtrusive,

seemingly easy and obvious, and so present that we

take it for granted. Therefore, it is often only

in retrospect - or - better, in memory -

that we fully realize its power and depth.

Yes, indeed, LOVE often makes

itself visible in PAIN.

- Henri Nouman

As I write this, I am feeling the deep depths of despair and sadness.

Twenty-two plus months without.

Gaye's absence has magnified the Love and Life we had.
-Loss-

That word takes on a whole new meaning these days

New insights have awakened,

New appreciations have developed,

New yearnings have materialized,

All within me

in this less Gaye world (LGW)
Gaye's death has forced me to grow;
God, I wish that she could
see my growth that
has resulted from her death

 As the writer describes it,

"Yes, indeed LOVE often makes itself visible in PAIN" 

A bittersweet education that I can't share

with my best friend.
That is what destroys me to no end.

I can't share and experience it with Gaye.

God, I hate Grief.....

I will never understand why Gaye had to die and I had to live.

There is no reason for it, I guess.

Death is just Death,

no one understands it.

Once upon a time,

I was put on this earth to find and fall in love with Gaye.

The fairy tale came true.

How Privileged and Blessed was I .....

I still pray for the Happily ever after

You better be putting Gaye to good use up there.....

Words to Cling to......

Northside Methodist Church

Yesterday, I attended the service at Northside Methodist Church for the second time in the last 45 days. Gaye and I were married here so it holds a a unique and very special place in my heart. Dr. Gil Watson, who married us, was on vacation so the Church had an ole friend provide the sermon, Rev. Bill Floyd. From what I undertsand , Rev. Floyd has a tremendous reputation, so I was looking forward to hearing his sermon. I was not disappointed. Rev. Floyd must be in his eighties - in other words,  he has seen a great deal in his christian walk and life. Towards the end of his simply wonderful and hopeful message, he stated "I have seen many of my friends, fellow congregation members and family put in a box. (He is referring to Dieing).  "At my stage in life, I am more sure than I have ever been, that people of God, will never see their friends and family for the last time"

A blessed and divine affirmation that comforts this weary soul!

A Mighty Amen......

help me.

show me that

I can love with

out

fears, frustrations,

falsehoods, hesitations

and

regret

Show me the

face of god

once again.

can lightning strike twice?
can my life roll another 7?
can luck be a lady again?

why can't it be?

I have to

hope

that

something

extraordinary

is

possibile.

A night of Drinking.

Flirting

Like ole times

Superficial

to the

Core

Attempting

to

Get

on

with

my

"Life"

The forgetting

is difficult.

The remembering,

Worse.

 (Our Honeymoon in Tuscany)

Life with Gaye

The remembering, Worse.

True Love Clarifies and never dissipates.

Love is the Bridge.

Love will be my savior.

Gaye showed me the way.

I thank God Every Day.

Growing

and

through

all the tears

and the sadness

and the

pain

come the

one thought

that can

make

me internally

smile again:

I

have

loved
(Gaye)

Words of Encouragement and Hope

Part of a letter Given to Gaye on Ash Wednesday, February 25th 1998.
We have no reason to mistrust our world.  If it has terrors, they are our terrors, if it has abysses, these abysses belong to us. If there are griefs, we must try to love them... Don't observe yourself too closely.  Don't be too quick to draw conclusions from what happens to you; simply let it happen. What now appears to us as the most alien, will become our most intimate and trusted experience...
 Why do you want to shut out of your life any uneasiness, any misery, since after all, you don't know what work these conditions are doing inside you? Perhaps everything that frightens us is, in its deepest essence, something helpless that wants our love.
So you mustn't be frightened if a sadness rises up in front of you, larger than any you have ever seen.  You must realize that something is happening to you, that life has not forgotten you, that it holds you in its hand and will not let you fall.                 -- Rainer Maria Rilke

In that same letter:
Carl Jung used to really astonish people socially when he'd respond to the fact that they were were going through something hard or painful, something we'd consider "bad". He would get excited and say "Oh Good, something is really happening to you, something is emerging. That's wonderful!"

I thank God and Gaye for finding this letter today!

Throwing the Hope Switch ON

                          Sunrise at Haleakala National Park, HI

                                       5-15-06

Dear Tripp,

This is the time to celebrate our life together;
to remember the joys we've shared and the

memories we've created.  There are so many joys

and memories and moments that always

bring a smile to my face and happiness to my heart!

The night we first met; the first time you seduced

me (haha); our many travels together...

Hawaii (Morning sunrise on Haleakala),

NYC, Prague and our engagement, Paris,

Tuscany, Atlantis, Cabo

- so many - and hopefully more to come;

our time with friends and family and Deacon.

But, just as joyful to me are the moments, when it's
just us doing nothing special;
just living...breathing together.

                                 I love you!
                                 Happy #2!
                                         Gaye

Gaye wrote this letter to me just one month
before she was diagnosed... We were so filled
with Love and Hope and our endless possibilities...
(Another tip from Tripp - never...ever...never
take anything for granted,  You can never say
"I Love you" too much, because you never
know when you won't be able to say it anymore)

Over the last couple years, Hope has seemed
a distant friend to me...I have discovered that
there is no substitute for hope.
Joy and laughter may help it but they
cannot replace it. Life is so difficult and I
would say impossible to endure without it. 
The question for me, How do I sustain hope
during this chaotic disjuncture of the Universe?
 How can I build hope when I feel so low,
and how can I find it when it has disappeared?

I wish I had the answer.

What I can tell myself:
The future is uncertain,
which means that it can go in more than one direction.
Is it possible for things to turn out better than I
can imagine? We humans are creatures of imagination.
We can envision the worse at our low point, but then again,
on a good day, I can imagine that this journey has prepared me
for something truly special.
I do dream and pray that HOPE will find a
loving home once again in my heart and soul.
I  may not be sure how or when I'll will get it back,
(Patience has never been my virtue)
but my heart and faith tells me if I remain receptive
to that possibility, I can then at least hope to hope,
and that will get me through another day
in this less Gaye World.

I want to believe that for every love lost,
God gives you more love to share.


I am Keeping my Hope switch ON,

                                                    Gaye and I at Sunrise on Haleakala