Love is the ANSWER

With the Holidays in full force and as I grope for something, anything to keep my spirits somewhat Hopeful, I came across a note from my dear friend Sarah Shaffer that she sent me this past summer as I was going through one of those turbulent periods of extreme sadness, doubt and fear. Sarah and Gaye became very close over the last 12 months of Gaye's life. For two very scared souls, Sarah was such a great source of comfort and strength to the both of us as Gaye fought her courageous yet unfair battle.

Here is the note from Sarah:

My Vet was talking about healing and he said that love is the greatest healer....people who really love and care for their pets have better outcomes than those who just care for the pet. Then on the way home I was listening to Willie Nelson and in one of his songs he said..."Love is the greatest healer of them all"....
I believe that anyone who has the capacity to love the way you loved Gaye and she loved you has such a wonderful capacity for living and loving that life.....not that love is easy, we both know it is hard and heartbreaking but it is also a chance to see clearly our life and our loved ones life in a very honest way. Did Gaye share the email I sent her about cancer? I came across it the other day and remembered the truly quality time we shared....once again, she helped me so much more than I can say.
Have a good wkend Tripp, know Gaye wants HAPPINESS for you....she gave you a gift of love and only you can give that gift back to the world.

So here is the letter I wrote her after she called and asked me about remission. She asked how I dealt with cancer always looming over my shoulder and what if it comes back. I wasn't sure what to say at first then it came to me and this is what I wrote.


Gaye, I thought about your voice message for a long time and came to these things:

When I was diagnosed I knew cancer would change everything. It would, over a 4 year period, redefine living....redefine who I thought I was. I was the healthiest person anyone knew, not just in appearance but in title, EXERCISE PHYSIOLOGIST. Now I would have to use the word cancer and sick to define who I was. I could hardly say the words.

Cancer takes a piece of each life that it touches and doesn't give it back but life gives that piece back in the form of COURAGE. Remember the Bristol-Myers-Squib commercial with Lance Armstrong? He says, "Remember me cancer? You hurt my family and friends.....and so on, then he says again, "remember me cancer, I beat you!!" Watch that commercial and remember that cancer can be beat. On the days when courage is taking a backseat to fear know that you CAN BEAT IT!!! In Lance Armstrong's book he said that a cancer survivor told him "You don't know it yet but we are the lucky ones." The Lance Armstrong's, Gaye Sims and Sarah Shaffer's, we are the lucky ones and every other patient that sits for hours while chemo drips slowly into their veins, every patient who has left the Oncology ward of any hospital and said, "Oh my God I might actually die from this." We are survivors, winners and the courage that came to replace the piece of who we thought we were before cancer will change your life forever.
In my dayrunner(everyday since I heard the word remission) I write NOT TODAY!! What that means to me is that today I had a day that cancer didn't paralyze me, it didn't make me stagnant, it didn't destroy my ability to smile, most of all it didn't beat me....NOT TODAY!! So when I look back over the pages that represent days/years/minutes of my life(on April 7th my 2 year remission date) I see the words NOT TODAY and I know that cancer will always be a part of who I am but it didn't beat me and it didn't beat you, Gaye Sims....NOT TODAY!!

Perhaps in the long run the beginning of wisdom, for me, lies in the simple admission that things are not always the way we/I would like them to be and yet with each sunrise there is a chance to choose the "half full" side of life. To embrace all that we love and to put another day between ourselves and cancer. It isn't always easy, there are days when your mind will insist that the cancer is back but we(you and I and every other cancer patient) have to look that fear in the eye, deal with it, then take a giant step forward knowing that there are no promises for tomorrow, NOT FOR ANYONE, but we can stand tall TODAY, this moment we have been given and say NOT TODAY!!!

"LIFE DEALS THE CARDS; THE WAY WE PLAY THEM IS UP TO US." There is power in that statement....

Tripp, I sent this to Gaye March 18th 2007 around 10:08 AM. Thank you again for allowing me to be there for Gaye, it changes me everyday in the best possible way.

Sarah sent me a follow up note:

Gaye and I had so many conversations during the time I knew her. We spent some really quality time talking about everything from cancer to movies, to her love of life and travel. I hope she knew how much she meant to my life, she truly gave meaning where there had been such doubt and confusion.

It seemed that abruptly circumstances arranged themselves so that the commonplace became the significant and the routine the memorable....so memorable that it changed my life forever. I learned some valuable things about myself, things I can't measure or fully explain. I came across these words a few weeks ago and wanted to share them:

Love life. Be grateful for it always. And show your gratitude by not shying away from its challenges. Try always to live a little bit beyond your capacities. You'll find that you will never not succeed.

If I Tripp Sims, could incorporate just half the Fortitude, Courage and Strength that Gaye displayed during her fight, then I know I can win my battle. As I have articulated so many times in my blog - I was immensly blessed to receive Gaye's Gift of love - I could not imagine a better gift or treasure in this world. Such a precious lucky few fully experienced it. I am so thankful for that present. Her gift will be my road map. I just need to have Faith and maintain Hope.

Gaye's Love will be the ANSWER.

NOT TODAY for Doubt, Sadness and Longing.

"Death is Nothing at All......"

Paris during the Holidays - 2004

So here we are, Holidays 2009 version. I can't hide, can't run away, Can't ignore it. It is upon us and I can't do a damn thing about it. This Holiday season has been so much more sorrowful for me than last year. I do not think my ache last season was nearly as deep as this holiday season. I was only several months removed from Gaye's passing and perhaps her life was still fresh in my mind and being. Well, now 16 months removed from her life, my ache for her has never been more evident. The ache is encompassing because I am at the full realization that I will never see my beautiful Gaye again in this life and for this one time optimistic soul, that just breaks my heart and will to no end. As I have written many times before on this blog, we cling with every fiber in our being to that esoteric and cryptic concept of "Faith". At the end of the day, that is all we have to get out of bed to face this now less colorful, less Gaye world.

I came across this optimistic sermon last night, called All is well.

All Is Well

Death is nothing at all,

I have only slipped into the next room
I am I and you are you
Whatever we were to each other, that we are still.
Call me by my old familiar name,
Speak to me in the easy way which you always used
Put no difference in your tone,
Wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow
Laugh as we always laughed at the little jokes we enjoyed together.
Play, smile, think of me, pray for me.
Let my name be ever the household world that it always was,
Let it be spoken without effect, without the trace of shadow on it.
Life means all that it ever meant.
It it the same as it ever was, there is unbroken continuity.
Why should I be out of mind because I am out of sight?
I am waiting for you, for an interval, somewhere very near,
Just around the corner.

All is well.

One brief moment and all will be as it was before
How we shall laugh at the trouble of parting when we meet again!

Henry Scott Holland
1847-1918
Canon of St Paul 's Cathedral

Merry Christmas Baby!

Heart Aches

And can it be that in a world so full and busy, the loss
of one weak creature makes a void in any heart, so wide
and deep that nothing but the width and depth of eternity
can fill it up!
-Charles Dickens

Certain Movies Can Touch a Soul and Stir Emotions like Nothing Else.

I rented this amazing Italian film last week and I can't stop thinking about it. It was just like reading a wonderful book that you never want to end... For those willing to experience the beauty and heartache that life truly is, "The Best of Youth" is something special. If you have the 6+ hours – even if you don’t – free them up to travel through Best of Youth. "The Best of Youth" follows two brothers and their greater family throughout Italy between 1966-2003 and is deeply saturated with their interactions, be they emotional, mental, political, social, business, artistic, or about love, death, discovery, change - and how all of these aspects (and more) shape both who they are as well as shaping the lives around them. We see Rome, Turin, Florence, Tuscany and Sicily in it's splendid postcard setting. It's a memorable film that is effortless to watch because the story is layed out and then weaves together at the end in the way a great novel does: after the read, you feel better about who you are, for having taken the journey. As the movie critic Roger Ebert said, "When you hear that it is six hours long, reflect that it is therefore also six hours deep." I can't think of another movie that left me feeling so rich as well as reflective about my life and the people that have impacted and changed me. The ending engulfed my heart with emotion that life can be just so damn tragic and full of heartache but at the same time, infinitely beautiful and hopeful. If you are a devoted fan of cinema and have a passion for art like I, sprint to the video store or your computer (For those NetFlix folks) and watch this emotional tour De force with someone you care about a great deal.

God, I wish I could have experienced this movie with Gaye.

I Like to think... Perhaps I did.