Stumbling Forward

...and it was gray, and grayer the deeper he went. What if it was deeper than he had figured? But soon the light changed, the muck brightened, and he was headed out, towards clear sky and sun again. He said that was the best sight in the world: the world.

- Josephine Humphries

There are times I wonder if I will see anything on the horizon but this gloom and sadness. The weight of Grief is so damn heavy. I have been told from a therapist that there is an impulse to dig in one's feelings and soul not only at the moment of death but also dig in at special moments that Gaye and I shared. I want to hold on, keep the immediacy of those memories from glowing dim. Am I afraid of forgetting what Gaye and I had? Not a chance! I would as much forget to breathe! My life with Gaye was so wonderful. We had such a special relationship. I loved everything about us and what we worked so hard to create and nuture.

I guess that is my internal conflict and struggle

There is an all encompassing danger in that we can get stuck in that "Past World" where we do everything in our power to stay in and dwell on the past. - I am very guilty of that mental state of re-living yesterday.

That "Dwelling on the Past" outlook does not honor the truth of my life or of my beautiful Gaye.

Wherever Gaye is, it is certainly not "back there" - I know that fact. I understand, bit by bit, I need to loosen my hold on the past I cannot keep and get on with the life I have and move forward. - I understand my problem -

I simply wish I had my best friend to help!

On a side note - "Valeria, Paulo and Max - We might not be blood related, but you are certainly part of my "familia". I can't thank you enough for a Thanksgiving I will never forget. Gaye is smiling knowing that I have you three in my life to help take care of (and feed) this soul!"

One more side note - Six years ago this past Tuesday, I made the greatest and best decision of my life by surprising Gaye and asking her to marry me while we were in Prague. That will another story for another day with unexpected twists and turns- Stay tuned!

Therapy for the Soul

Happy Tails Pet Therapy Emory Rehabilitation Team

This past Sunday, Deacon and I made our monthly sojourn to provide pet therapy at Emory Rehabilitation Center. I was eager to be accepted on this pet therapy team for it enables me to come back to the same campus where Gaye spent the worse part of her last two years. (Whether they might be good or bad, I will absorb any and all memories of Gaye) To share Deacon's love is one of my biggest joys these days and working with the Happy Tails organization is such a blessing and outlet.

This Sunday visit was so Special

Deacon and I met this wonderful Girl (let's call her J) confined to a wheelchair. At Happy Tails, we are trained not to ask about issues and problems patients are having. From the first time I layed my eyes on J, she seemed different. She had this wonderful, exuberant smile and was extremely excited to see the dogs. I gravitated to her and sat down on a stool touching her wheelchair with Deacon. As I sat down, J shared with me that she had been in the hospital for over 5 weeks due to uncontrolable seizures. She was hoping and praying to head home this upcoming Wednesday. As she began to pet Deacon with fervor, she told me about her lil Jack Russell puppy called Brutus and how she misses him more than the world itself.

For just a moment,
I saw my Gaye in J.

It was quite an emotional scene for the both of us. J, for the anticipation of going home and seeing her faithful, loving canine, and Me, for the memories of Gaye holding onto Deacon with all her might hoping and praying that she would see her puppy grow old.

We sat together for maybe 10 minutes with J sharing funny Brutus stories. As our session was coming to end and I was about t0 get my sad soul up off the stool, Deacon for the first time ever during a pet therapy session, literally leaped into my lap and began to lean half of his body and head unto the lap of J. The more I tried to get him off me, the more he leaned on J and pushed himself onto her. I sat there an additional 5 minutes with Deacon being comforted by J.

It was a perfect elixir for my weary soul. I like to think that Deacon saw a glimpse of Gaye in J also.

Happy Tails Mission is to help those that are in need and that can benefit from the unconditional love of a four legged friend. It certainly achieved its mission with me.

God Bless you J and I pray that Brutus and you will have a long, happy and loving life together.