It has been 163 days since our last date together. I try so hard to remember all the words we said that Friday night on August 15th. Burning in my Heart, haunting my soul, are all the words I did not say to you that apocalyptic night. I had a dream last night that Deacon escaped from his leash while we were running and was trampled to death by a big Semi-Truck. The dream felt so real that I instantly woke up, hugged Deacon in our bed and then began to weep and cry, missing you. Over the last 5+ months, I must have verbally expressed how much I miss you no less than 1,000 times to myself. On my way to Church yesterday I thought why I am saying "I miss you" so much.
See Honey, for the last 8 years, you have been my foundation where I could always go to for guidance, love and understanding. I can't get accustomed to you not being here to answer my fears and doubt. In July, I asked if you believe in God and Heaven and you said you do. That simple reply, calmed my insecurities about what is beyond "Life" so much. At times, I feel I am such a coward and not nearly as strong as you. Other times, I am so selfish and feel so sorry for myself for what I have lost in my life. "Life" is certainly not fair and I understand that we won't understand this wrongful chaos and injustices down here. I am so tired of the Grief and Mourning baby. The weight of the profound sadness seems just too heavy at times for me to go on. The Storm is crashing down all around. Don't worry, I won't give up the fight. I am praying so much for strength. I know you did the same when you encountered uncertainty and doubt. God, I wish you could hold me and tell me that everything is going to be OK. I miss my foundation and your love so much. Before I go to bed, I often pray that you will come down and embrace me through dreams.
I do have the faith that I am going to come out of this journey a much better and appreciative man. I want you to be proud of me so much! That is what sustains me to move forward.
I love you baby!
The answer is that I am waiting for you to respond.
See Honey, for the last 8 years, you have been my foundation where I could always go to for guidance, love and understanding. I can't get accustomed to you not being here to answer my fears and doubt. In July, I asked if you believe in God and Heaven and you said you do. That simple reply, calmed my insecurities about what is beyond "Life" so much. At times, I feel I am such a coward and not nearly as strong as you. Other times, I am so selfish and feel so sorry for myself for what I have lost in my life. "Life" is certainly not fair and I understand that we won't understand this wrongful chaos and injustices down here. I am so tired of the Grief and Mourning baby. The weight of the profound sadness seems just too heavy at times for me to go on. The Storm is crashing down all around. Don't worry, I won't give up the fight. I am praying so much for strength. I know you did the same when you encountered uncertainty and doubt. God, I wish you could hold me and tell me that everything is going to be OK. I miss my foundation and your love so much. Before I go to bed, I often pray that you will come down and embrace me through dreams.
I do have the faith that I am going to come out of this journey a much better and appreciative man. I want you to be proud of me so much! That is what sustains me to move forward.
I love you baby!
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