Some Days are Better than Others

Gaye was given a CD from North Point Ministries titled "Hope, When Life Hurts Most" I came across this CD as I was going through some of her things the other day. I wonder if she listened to it? I hope she did. It had a deep and hopeful impact on me. There was a poem that hit home and perfectly describes my angst and sadness but hopeful faith. There are days where I want to scream at God at the top of my lungs looking for understanding, strength and love. This poem says it best:

Some days are better than others
The struggle within is a constant struggle
It goes back and forth
Some days are better than others
Laughing, Crying, Living, Dieing
It is a circle, a very exhausting circle
Continuing in faith, but almost losing Hope
Some Days are better than others
The enemy pulls one way
He is so strong
My Savior has his arms around me
Holding me tight
The enemy shouts, "Why didn't you save her?"
And my savior whispers to me "I Did"
Some Days are better than others.

I have to believe and have faith that God is Good. But sometimes I do lose hope. Some Days are better than others.

Letter to Gaye

It has been 163 days since our last date together. I try so hard to remember all the words we said that Friday night on August 15th. Burning in my Heart, haunting my soul, are all the words I did not say to you that apocalyptic night. I had a dream last night that Deacon escaped from his leash while we were running and was trampled to death by a big Semi-Truck. The dream felt so real that I instantly woke up, hugged Deacon in our bed and then began to weep and cry, missing you. Over the last 5+ months, I must have verbally expressed how much I miss you no less than 1,000 times to myself. On my way to Church yesterday I thought why I am saying "I miss you" so much.

The answer is that I am waiting for you to respond.

See Honey, for the last 8 years, you have been my foundation where I could always go to for guidance, love and understanding. I can't get accustomed to you not being here to answer my fears and doubt. In July, I asked if you believe in God and Heaven and you said you do. That simple reply, calmed my insecurities about what is beyond "Life" so much. At times, I feel I am such a coward and not nearly as strong as you. Other times, I am so selfish and feel so sorry for myself for what I have lost in my life. "Life" is certainly not fair and I understand that we won't understand this wrongful chaos and injustices down here. I am so tired of the Grief and Mourning baby. The weight of the profound sadness seems just too heavy at times for me to go on. The Storm is crashing down all around. Don't worry, I won't give up the fight. I am praying so much for strength. I know you did the same when you encountered uncertainty and doubt. God, I wish you could hold me and tell me that everything is going to be OK. I miss my foundation and your love so much. Before I go to bed, I often pray that you will come down and embrace me through dreams.
I do have the faith that I am going to come out of this journey a much better and appreciative man. I want you to be proud of me so much! That is what sustains me to move forward.

I love you baby!