Falling Forward and the Faith of Making it Through on my Own.

Thinking about Gaye and I, I conjure up what would I be willing to give up if I could have Gaye back in my Living World and be able to embrace and talk again with her? I have a simple answer. I would do anything, I would give away all that I own and do whatever it takes, to do just that and go back.

To go back before the Pain,
To go back before the Illness,
To go back before the Cancer,

But I understand......

The life I knew with Gaye, the life we shared before this happened - no longer exists. No matter how much I hate to admit it. Convinced, bit by bit, I tell myself to move forward - into a new sense of time and relationship with my wife and into a new relationship with Myself. What other choices do I have? Stand still and turn into stone?

"There is no way out, only a way forward."
No, I must keep moving, and in the only direction that is open to me

- Forward-

Forward into a new land, Forward into an unknown adventure, Forward into an unknown territory... and it scares the hell out of me.

Gaye always loved adventures, perhaps she will take my hand to pull me forward. (I like to believe that) I also pray that Gaye's love will pull me through. Rosie Thomas articulated perfectly in her song "You and Me" which I feel was Custom Made for me.

You and me, me and you
There's so much that we've been through,
through it all I've come to understand God's love.
And if tomorrow never comes
know this twice, just know this once.
Knowing you has made me able to go on.
You and me, me and you
There couldn't be a better two,
to be blessed and know the meaning of true love.
And if you leave me I feel scared,
fall apart so unprepared.
But I dare to make it through all on my own.
Yes I dare to make it through on my own.

I simply wish I didn't have to......

Oh, The Things I Love and Miss........

I love these Photographs! Surprisingly, when I gaze at these Pics, it warms my Heart vs. breaking it.

(Is this a sign of healing?)

These Pictures encapsulates everything I Love and miss about Gaye. As you can see, Cancer nor Disease could strip away that beautiful smile she has.

Costa Rica was the destination for our last trip. We decided to zip-line one day in the Tropical Rain Forest.

Tumors and Pain did not win out, this one day.

Gaye has a love affair and deep passion for traveling. I quickly become as fanatical about exploring and experiencing the world as her. Besides Costa Rica, we were blessed to have visited Hawaii, Prague, Vienna, Paris, Bahamas, Aruba, Cabo San Lucas, Puerto Rico and all parts of Tuscany. That does not include the many cities we visited in the States. (Not bad for 7 years, huh?) Cancer did not allow us to see Venice and Rome. Another reason to hate Cancer with every fiber of your being. "F@*K Cancer" as Gaye used to say. (Amen Baby)

Love!!!!!!

The things that I miss these days, turn into the things that I love. Gaye showed me so many things that I have come to love.

Because of Gaye, I love.......

Bagel Bites
Margaretta Pizzas
Moe's Tacos con Queso
Short Stack of Pancakes with Bacon, butter & gobs of Syrup.
Chips.. All kind of chips, as long as they are not Nacho Cheese...
French Onion Dip
Chick Flicks
NetFlix
Massages, Facials and Pedicures
The Power of the Written Word
Piano Music
A Good Night Kiss right before Bed
Reading the Sunday paper in Bed
Drivers who vocally voice their opinions on other drivers
Vizslas
Dinner Parties with close friends
New York City
Pacific Coast Highway
White Convertable Sports Cars (Joke for Gaye only)
Broadway Shows
Hogs and Heffers and dancing on the bar
The Tangible Value of Friendships
Holding Hands
A Sweet Embrace
A random "I Love You"
Dreams
Quiet Confidence
The belief in Love, Hope and Faith
Heaven and God

So I have provided an infinitely small sample of what I love because of Gaye.

To answer the question, "What do I miss due to Gaye"
Well that one is very simple to answer -

I MISS the prospect of growing old with my beautiful Gaye.

My Darling, Thank you for showing me what Love truly means!

The Faith of Letting Go

Faith is being certain of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see. Hebrews 11:1

Letting Go is so damn scary for me.

It is something I need to do! It is something I have to do!

It is much easier to allow the profound sadness and mourning to continue and linger. The Great Sadness and Grief (SG) virtually becomes your best friend. SG reminds me of Gaye and all the wonderful, special, unique moments and experiences we had that most likely will never be shared again. By Letting go, will I lose that plain of memory and truely relegate Gaye to the past like a dream or nightmare where images begin to fade?

Why do I want to lose that?

SG also provides me with something tangibly to hold onto - Anger, Remorse and Loneliness. Of course, it would be better to hold onto to things such as love, but with death, love is hard to find and embrace.

By not letting go - I can exclaim to the world that this is not fair!
I can yell, I can cry, I can curse at God and resent him for taking my wife and best friend!

But, what does that get me? No matter what happens, I just have to let go.

I don't understand this world and why things like this happen.
Was it Fate?
Could it have been our Destiny?
Or simply free will and the cards we were dealt, we must accept?

I guess this is where Faith comes in. With Faith, Letting Go is acceptable.

I am putting my faith in God that he has a plan. Gaye one time mentioned to me that God's plan was revealed to her when we met. She had great doubts about God's plan before we met, but those doubts were erased upon our union. The struggles she faced made God's plan that much sweeter when it was revealed.

I love Gaye, I will always love Gaye. Because of her, I am such a better man. I have found the love, the hope and the faith of God again through her. Her memory will never fade, our moments and experiences together will be special places deep within my heart that will sustain me. I am blessed knowing Gaye and I shared something truly special that was remarkably unique only to us.

Because of her, I now have the faith and the strength of letting go.......