Love is the ANSWER

With the Holidays in full force and as I grope for something, anything to keep my spirits somewhat Hopeful, I came across a note from my dear friend Sarah Shaffer that she sent me this past summer as I was going through one of those turbulent periods of extreme sadness, doubt and fear. Sarah and Gaye became very close over the last 12 months of Gaye's life. For two very scared souls, Sarah was such a great source of comfort and strength to the both of us as Gaye fought her courageous yet unfair battle.

Here is the note from Sarah:

My Vet was talking about healing and he said that love is the greatest healer....people who really love and care for their pets have better outcomes than those who just care for the pet. Then on the way home I was listening to Willie Nelson and in one of his songs he said..."Love is the greatest healer of them all"....
I believe that anyone who has the capacity to love the way you loved Gaye and she loved you has such a wonderful capacity for living and loving that life.....not that love is easy, we both know it is hard and heartbreaking but it is also a chance to see clearly our life and our loved ones life in a very honest way. Did Gaye share the email I sent her about cancer? I came across it the other day and remembered the truly quality time we shared....once again, she helped me so much more than I can say.
Have a good wkend Tripp, know Gaye wants HAPPINESS for you....she gave you a gift of love and only you can give that gift back to the world.

So here is the letter I wrote her after she called and asked me about remission. She asked how I dealt with cancer always looming over my shoulder and what if it comes back. I wasn't sure what to say at first then it came to me and this is what I wrote.


Gaye, I thought about your voice message for a long time and came to these things:

When I was diagnosed I knew cancer would change everything. It would, over a 4 year period, redefine living....redefine who I thought I was. I was the healthiest person anyone knew, not just in appearance but in title, EXERCISE PHYSIOLOGIST. Now I would have to use the word cancer and sick to define who I was. I could hardly say the words.

Cancer takes a piece of each life that it touches and doesn't give it back but life gives that piece back in the form of COURAGE. Remember the Bristol-Myers-Squib commercial with Lance Armstrong? He says, "Remember me cancer? You hurt my family and friends.....and so on, then he says again, "remember me cancer, I beat you!!" Watch that commercial and remember that cancer can be beat. On the days when courage is taking a backseat to fear know that you CAN BEAT IT!!! In Lance Armstrong's book he said that a cancer survivor told him "You don't know it yet but we are the lucky ones." The Lance Armstrong's, Gaye Sims and Sarah Shaffer's, we are the lucky ones and every other patient that sits for hours while chemo drips slowly into their veins, every patient who has left the Oncology ward of any hospital and said, "Oh my God I might actually die from this." We are survivors, winners and the courage that came to replace the piece of who we thought we were before cancer will change your life forever.
In my dayrunner(everyday since I heard the word remission) I write NOT TODAY!! What that means to me is that today I had a day that cancer didn't paralyze me, it didn't make me stagnant, it didn't destroy my ability to smile, most of all it didn't beat me....NOT TODAY!! So when I look back over the pages that represent days/years/minutes of my life(on April 7th my 2 year remission date) I see the words NOT TODAY and I know that cancer will always be a part of who I am but it didn't beat me and it didn't beat you, Gaye Sims....NOT TODAY!!

Perhaps in the long run the beginning of wisdom, for me, lies in the simple admission that things are not always the way we/I would like them to be and yet with each sunrise there is a chance to choose the "half full" side of life. To embrace all that we love and to put another day between ourselves and cancer. It isn't always easy, there are days when your mind will insist that the cancer is back but we(you and I and every other cancer patient) have to look that fear in the eye, deal with it, then take a giant step forward knowing that there are no promises for tomorrow, NOT FOR ANYONE, but we can stand tall TODAY, this moment we have been given and say NOT TODAY!!!

"LIFE DEALS THE CARDS; THE WAY WE PLAY THEM IS UP TO US." There is power in that statement....

Tripp, I sent this to Gaye March 18th 2007 around 10:08 AM. Thank you again for allowing me to be there for Gaye, it changes me everyday in the best possible way.

Sarah sent me a follow up note:

Gaye and I had so many conversations during the time I knew her. We spent some really quality time talking about everything from cancer to movies, to her love of life and travel. I hope she knew how much she meant to my life, she truly gave meaning where there had been such doubt and confusion.

It seemed that abruptly circumstances arranged themselves so that the commonplace became the significant and the routine the memorable....so memorable that it changed my life forever. I learned some valuable things about myself, things I can't measure or fully explain. I came across these words a few weeks ago and wanted to share them:

Love life. Be grateful for it always. And show your gratitude by not shying away from its challenges. Try always to live a little bit beyond your capacities. You'll find that you will never not succeed.

If I Tripp Sims, could incorporate just half the Fortitude, Courage and Strength that Gaye displayed during her fight, then I know I can win my battle. As I have articulated so many times in my blog - I was immensly blessed to receive Gaye's Gift of love - I could not imagine a better gift or treasure in this world. Such a precious lucky few fully experienced it. I am so thankful for that present. Her gift will be my road map. I just need to have Faith and maintain Hope.

Gaye's Love will be the ANSWER.

NOT TODAY for Doubt, Sadness and Longing.

"Death is Nothing at All......"

Paris during the Holidays - 2004

So here we are, Holidays 2009 version. I can't hide, can't run away, Can't ignore it. It is upon us and I can't do a damn thing about it. This Holiday season has been so much more sorrowful for me than last year. I do not think my ache last season was nearly as deep as this holiday season. I was only several months removed from Gaye's passing and perhaps her life was still fresh in my mind and being. Well, now 16 months removed from her life, my ache for her has never been more evident. The ache is encompassing because I am at the full realization that I will never see my beautiful Gaye again in this life and for this one time optimistic soul, that just breaks my heart and will to no end. As I have written many times before on this blog, we cling with every fiber in our being to that esoteric and cryptic concept of "Faith". At the end of the day, that is all we have to get out of bed to face this now less colorful, less Gaye world.

I came across this optimistic sermon last night, called All is well.

All Is Well

Death is nothing at all,

I have only slipped into the next room
I am I and you are you
Whatever we were to each other, that we are still.
Call me by my old familiar name,
Speak to me in the easy way which you always used
Put no difference in your tone,
Wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow
Laugh as we always laughed at the little jokes we enjoyed together.
Play, smile, think of me, pray for me.
Let my name be ever the household world that it always was,
Let it be spoken without effect, without the trace of shadow on it.
Life means all that it ever meant.
It it the same as it ever was, there is unbroken continuity.
Why should I be out of mind because I am out of sight?
I am waiting for you, for an interval, somewhere very near,
Just around the corner.

All is well.

One brief moment and all will be as it was before
How we shall laugh at the trouble of parting when we meet again!

Henry Scott Holland
1847-1918
Canon of St Paul 's Cathedral

Merry Christmas Baby!

Heart Aches

And can it be that in a world so full and busy, the loss
of one weak creature makes a void in any heart, so wide
and deep that nothing but the width and depth of eternity
can fill it up!
-Charles Dickens

Certain Movies Can Touch a Soul and Stir Emotions like Nothing Else.

I rented this amazing Italian film last week and I can't stop thinking about it. It was just like reading a wonderful book that you never want to end... For those willing to experience the beauty and heartache that life truly is, "The Best of Youth" is something special. If you have the 6+ hours – even if you don’t – free them up to travel through Best of Youth. "The Best of Youth" follows two brothers and their greater family throughout Italy between 1966-2003 and is deeply saturated with their interactions, be they emotional, mental, political, social, business, artistic, or about love, death, discovery, change - and how all of these aspects (and more) shape both who they are as well as shaping the lives around them. We see Rome, Turin, Florence, Tuscany and Sicily in it's splendid postcard setting. It's a memorable film that is effortless to watch because the story is layed out and then weaves together at the end in the way a great novel does: after the read, you feel better about who you are, for having taken the journey. As the movie critic Roger Ebert said, "When you hear that it is six hours long, reflect that it is therefore also six hours deep." I can't think of another movie that left me feeling so rich as well as reflective about my life and the people that have impacted and changed me. The ending engulfed my heart with emotion that life can be just so damn tragic and full of heartache but at the same time, infinitely beautiful and hopeful. If you are a devoted fan of cinema and have a passion for art like I, sprint to the video store or your computer (For those NetFlix folks) and watch this emotional tour De force with someone you care about a great deal.

God, I wish I could have experienced this movie with Gaye.

I Like to think... Perhaps I did.

Stumbling Forward

...and it was gray, and grayer the deeper he went. What if it was deeper than he had figured? But soon the light changed, the muck brightened, and he was headed out, towards clear sky and sun again. He said that was the best sight in the world: the world.

- Josephine Humphries

There are times I wonder if I will see anything on the horizon but this gloom and sadness. The weight of Grief is so damn heavy. I have been told from a therapist that there is an impulse to dig in one's feelings and soul not only at the moment of death but also dig in at special moments that Gaye and I shared. I want to hold on, keep the immediacy of those memories from glowing dim. Am I afraid of forgetting what Gaye and I had? Not a chance! I would as much forget to breathe! My life with Gaye was so wonderful. We had such a special relationship. I loved everything about us and what we worked so hard to create and nuture.

I guess that is my internal conflict and struggle

There is an all encompassing danger in that we can get stuck in that "Past World" where we do everything in our power to stay in and dwell on the past. - I am very guilty of that mental state of re-living yesterday.

That "Dwelling on the Past" outlook does not honor the truth of my life or of my beautiful Gaye.

Wherever Gaye is, it is certainly not "back there" - I know that fact. I understand, bit by bit, I need to loosen my hold on the past I cannot keep and get on with the life I have and move forward. - I understand my problem -

I simply wish I had my best friend to help!

On a side note - "Valeria, Paulo and Max - We might not be blood related, but you are certainly part of my "familia". I can't thank you enough for a Thanksgiving I will never forget. Gaye is smiling knowing that I have you three in my life to help take care of (and feed) this soul!"

One more side note - Six years ago this past Tuesday, I made the greatest and best decision of my life by surprising Gaye and asking her to marry me while we were in Prague. That will another story for another day with unexpected twists and turns- Stay tuned!

Therapy for the Soul

Happy Tails Pet Therapy Emory Rehabilitation Team

This past Sunday, Deacon and I made our monthly sojourn to provide pet therapy at Emory Rehabilitation Center. I was eager to be accepted on this pet therapy team for it enables me to come back to the same campus where Gaye spent the worse part of her last two years. (Whether they might be good or bad, I will absorb any and all memories of Gaye) To share Deacon's love is one of my biggest joys these days and working with the Happy Tails organization is such a blessing and outlet.

This Sunday visit was so Special

Deacon and I met this wonderful Girl (let's call her J) confined to a wheelchair. At Happy Tails, we are trained not to ask about issues and problems patients are having. From the first time I layed my eyes on J, she seemed different. She had this wonderful, exuberant smile and was extremely excited to see the dogs. I gravitated to her and sat down on a stool touching her wheelchair with Deacon. As I sat down, J shared with me that she had been in the hospital for over 5 weeks due to uncontrolable seizures. She was hoping and praying to head home this upcoming Wednesday. As she began to pet Deacon with fervor, she told me about her lil Jack Russell puppy called Brutus and how she misses him more than the world itself.

For just a moment,
I saw my Gaye in J.

It was quite an emotional scene for the both of us. J, for the anticipation of going home and seeing her faithful, loving canine, and Me, for the memories of Gaye holding onto Deacon with all her might hoping and praying that she would see her puppy grow old.

We sat together for maybe 10 minutes with J sharing funny Brutus stories. As our session was coming to end and I was about t0 get my sad soul up off the stool, Deacon for the first time ever during a pet therapy session, literally leaped into my lap and began to lean half of his body and head unto the lap of J. The more I tried to get him off me, the more he leaned on J and pushed himself onto her. I sat there an additional 5 minutes with Deacon being comforted by J.

It was a perfect elixir for my weary soul. I like to think that Deacon saw a glimpse of Gaye in J also.

Happy Tails Mission is to help those that are in need and that can benefit from the unconditional love of a four legged friend. It certainly achieved its mission with me.

God Bless you J and I pray that Brutus and you will have a long, happy and loving life together.

Hope in the Face of Despair

I finally got around to reading the above book "The Art of Racing in the Rain". The story is told through the eyes of Enzo, a lab mix. On the eve of his death, Enzo is taking stock of his life recalling all that he and his family have been through. It is a heart wrenching but ultimately uplifting story of Love, Loyalty and Hope. (We could all use more of those things in our lives) I had bought this book last summer and quickly discovered upon reading that the wife dies of brain cancer at a too young age. I did not have the fortitude or strength to complete the book. Well 14 months later, decided to take another stab at the book. I still did not have the fortitude or strength, but what the hell!

On page 162, I came across the fateful event. Here is how Enzo describes it:

She died that night. Her last breath took her soul, I saw it in my dream. I saw her soul leave her body as she exhaled, and then she had no more needs, no more reason; she was released from her body, and, being released, she continued her journey elsewhere, high in the firmament where soul material gathers and plays out all the dreams and joys of which we temporal beings can barely conceive, all the things that are beyond our comprehension, but even so, are not beyond our attainment if we choose to attain them, and believe that we truly can.

This passage soaks with Faith, Love and Hope. I know and realize that I will never comprehend this chaos and loss in this world. I debate and argue with God on a daily basis about the injustice of this all - How Gaye and I are now worlds apart - How the years have been erased from my best friend and soul mate - But, because of my faith, I do have have Hope that there will be an "UNDERSTANDING" sometime down the road, somewhere.

I pray with every fiber in my soul that Enzo has it right.

"Hey Deacon, I have a couple questions for you"

My Goal in Life is to become as wonderful as Deacon thinks I am.

We give dogs time we can spare, space we can spare and love we can spare.

And in return, dogs give us their all.

It's the best deal man has ever made!

- M. Facklam

The little things mean everything.

Tomorrow would have been Gaye's 45th birthday. With my sadness, pain and loneliness, I pulled out a drawer of letters that Gaye wrote to me over the years. I sometimes get a sense when I read these love letters, that Gaye is in the present and still part of my LIFE. (I know it sounds crazy, but hey, it gets me through the day.) I came across the below letter today at the bottom of the pile.

11/20/01
Dear Tripp,
Has it really been only 10 days since we met?
I'm leaving tomorrow to go home for Thanksgiving
and I find myself incredibly full of emotion on this holiday.
I've always known and been thankful for the many blessings in
my life. I have the most loving and supportive family.
I have incredible friends.... health... a good job.... a nice home.
With all those blessings, there was always an empty space
within me. I honestly, couldn't even conceive of what
it would feel like to have that space filled
- couldn't even imagine..... until you!
While I know that life holds no guarantees and that
neither one of us can truly say what the future holds,
this feeling of pure joy that you have given me since we met....
is at the top of my "thankful" list this Thanksgiving.
I thank God that he brought our lives together, and I pray that we
will continue to grow closer as we discover each other each day.
Happy Thanksgiving,
Love,
Gaye

I was so blessed to have Gaye's Love. I too thank God that he brought our lives together. I pray everyday for the strength and courage that Gaye had. Some Days are better than others! The little things we did, know mean everything to me. I still see her beauty everyday.

In one of her last letters to friends and family that I keep close to my heart ".....because we believe in that power (prayers) and the power of all of your love. I feel it - it strengthens me, and it comforts me. We are embracing every moment. We love you all and we are thankful you are in our lives!!"


Happy Birthday Baby, I miss you more than life itself!

Learn to Get IN TOUCH

WITH Silence within

Yourself and KNOW that

EVERYTHING in this Life

has a PURPOSE.

Elizabeth Kubler-Ross

The Importance of Love

There is a land of the living and a land of the dead and the bridge is love

the only survival, the only meaning.

-Thornton Wilder

Wisdom can be found anywhere...

Happy Birthday Deacon!

Happy Birthday Deac! I can't believe you are four years old today. Have we been through it or what? I remember so well the day Gaye and I first layed eyes on you. I liked to kid Gaye that it was me that picked you out of your 6 brothers and sister, but we all know it was Gaye that set her sights on you when you rambled and tumbled into her lap and kissed her with wild abandoned. You stood out and Gaye knew "You" were the one for both of us. You provided us with so much love and passion when we desperately needed it most. We had just discovered that children was not in the cards, so we were hoping that a dog would fill our sad hearts. Boy, did you answer our prayers. Taking you home that first day, you were so scared being ripped away from the only love you knew, your family. You were whining, crying and shaking like a leaf. Gaye saw the fear in your eyes so she quickly jumped from the front seat and laid down with you where she consoled, kissed, hugged, nurtured you all the way to your new home.

Now almost four years later, I see you laying next to me, consoling, kissing and nurturing ME. Your presence by my side has been protection against my fears of dark and unknown things. Because of you I know a secret comfort and a private peace.

Outside of Gaye's love, you, Deacon, have been my most blessed gift.

At first, Gaye and I asked for a companion that we might not feel lonely and sad,

I was given a best friend.

I love you, Deacon!

Even in the dark, you have the power to whistle.

One of my favorite photos.

This was shot when Gaye was getting ready for a party in my loft at NuGrape.

God, my Angel is so beautiful!

....memory nourishes the heart, and grief abates.

- Marcel Proust

loved this quote… putting it here for safe keeping

“The beauty of life is in the living of it.

And the living of life is now.

It is fine to make grand, wonderful plans and to then bring those plans to life through your efforts. Yet do not ignore the quiet, stunningly beautiful treasures in each ordinary moment.

Happiness is not in some distant place of perfection and pleasure.
Happiness is waiting for you to give it life in this moment.

If all of your dreams were to suddenly come true, you would have no use for them. For the real essence of their joy is in the journey you take to reach those dreams.

It is in working your way through each day, one moment after another, that you connect with the value of life. Every flavor of experience adds to the richness in one way or another.

Do not put a lot of effort into judging whether today is good or bad, happy or sad. Just go ahead and live it with a thankful heart, and you will surely experience this day’s own special value.”
––Anonymous quote from the Young Widows Bulletin Board

1 year ago today: Gaye Gwinn Sims

One Year. Twelve Months. Fifty-two weeks. Three hundred sixty-five days. Eight thousand seven hundred sixty hours. Five hundred twenty thousand six hundred minutes. Thirty-one million five hundred thirty-six thousand seconds. Six hundred forty-one million two hundred thirty-two thousand beats of a hummingbird's wings in flight.

However large, however infinitesimal the number, each in its way,

aptly describes Gaye's absence. Yet no number is large enough to capture the loss.
None is sufficiently small to be fewer than the moments of pure joy I have known without her.

It seems impossible that an entire year has passed since 6:50am on 2008, August 22nd. It feels so fresh a wound, so gaping and unhealed, that a week cannot have passed, hardly a day.

Yet it is a year.

The satirist, Ambrose Bierce, defined a year as

"a period of three hundred sixty-five disappointments."

I cannot share this definition for this particular year. I've known no disappointments since that utter disjuncture of the universe one year ago today.

Oh, perhaps , the roof leaked a bit, my car battery died, the job did not yield the results I had hoped. But disappointment is a term, in my mind, that means failed hopes, dreams and expectations. The hopes and dreams I had left after my Gaye died were few.

I have learned that the price of devastating loss includes the perplexity over how to be grateful for the good wonders that follow upon that loss. I have learned a great deal over the last three hundred sixty-five days. Learnings have come my way in this year that would never ever have revealed themselves to me had I not lost the girl of my dreams.

I have learned how fragile "Life" can be....

I have learned that nothing should be taken for granted

....NOTHING.....

Not a Kiss......

Not a warm embrace....

Not laughter....

Not looking into the eyes of a person you love.

I have also discovered it is LOVE that ultimately defines who we are.

Gaye taught me these things this past year.

And so I have learned. Learned things I would never have paid the price to learn,

yet would not want to continue a moment longer not knowing.

I heard a very wise man tell me that learning was the crux of life. All else hinged thereon.

I hate to admit it, but this past year, I have learned so much about myself.

Merlin in the book "The Sword and the Stone." perhaps says it best;

"The best thing for being sad is to learn something. That is the only thing that never fails. You may grow old and trembling in your anatomies, you may lie awake at night listening to the disorder of your veins, you may miss your only love, you may see the world about you devastated by evil lunatics, or know your honour trampled in the sewers of baser minds. There is only one thing for it then - to learn. Learn why the world wags and what wags it. That is the only thing which the mind can never exhaust, never alienate, never be tortured by, never fear or distrust, and never dream of regretting."

Gaye Gwinn Sims has been gone from this world one year.

She has not been gone one solitary flit of a hummingbird's wing from my heart.

My Mantra and Aspiration moving forward!

“One regret dear world, that I am determined not to have when I am lying on my deathbed is that I did not kiss you enough.” –Hafiz

Sweetness (of Heart Ache)

i wonder where the sweetness lies.

is it there in the skin?

in a tiny, secret, double-helix?

like a powdered sugar on a doughnut,

just a subtle taste of you?

or does it pulse in rich red courses...

in a warm sangria-like streams,

heating you up

from the very inside out?

raising your core temperature to that

of my pounding heart?

perhaps,

the sweetness is just an aftertaste...

a subtle memory leftover

from the love we both had?

or maybe, just maybe,

the sweetness is your very heart and soul,

dear one,

dressed up for a red hot date with heaven

a tomorrow that can not be believed

lest I feel it with my own

two

longing hands.

i wonder where the sweetness lies.

is it in the soft, tiny kisses

of perfect tenderness?

or the endless aching dread

of unrequited luv

gone madly astray

much too soon

i wonder where the sweetness lies.

i think i know, dear one...

but you know i dare not say

- Unknown

The sweetness of Gaye was simply intoxicating.

I guess now,

just bittersweet

Painful Step

Over the last couple months I have been going out of my way to meet new people, create new relationships and make new friends. I understand that I must begin a new life without Gaye and with that, a new Identity will encompass me moving forward.

Cultivating this new "Identity" is such a struggle and challenge for me internally!

I have been told that this is a vital step in my healing from the grief and sadness. (God, I'm getting tired of these new steps and learnings that has been thrust on me)

This so called "vital step" is just so damn painful to me. I loved with every cell in my body being identified as Gaye's Husband. From the first moment I met her at a wedding on November 10, 2001, I felt so blessed that this incredible Angel somehow, inexplicably fell in LOVE with ME. (I am still amazed and surprised at that thought everyday)

Gaye believed in me before I believed in myself. She picked me up from the depths of insecurities and shallow spirituality and soaked me with true love, commitment and Faith. Our identities became one and I loved every second of that perception. But now I am told I must shed my ole identity and begin to build a new one. The loss of that identity is devastating to me. I have a hard time articulating the pain of having to somehow divest of that identity Gaye and I forged and create one that only includes me.

Yes, I miss Gaye like I never thought I could… I miss her so much that I would gladly accept my own death just to be in her presence again… I ache from the time I get up until the time I lie back down and every single moment in between…

But somehow, as painful as the absence of Gaye is, the pain of losing that identity of both of us, is even worse.

How do I even begin to function when I don’t know who I am?

Husband? Gone.

Caregiver? Gone.

Best Friend? Gone

Lover? Gone.

Confidante? Gone…

Not only am I facing the loss of the very person I was supposed to spend the rest of my life with, but now I have to face this terrible loss with only a fraction of my own essence intact.

So, building a new identity is EVERYTHING if I plan on ever healing or being whole again.
I hate this step… it feels a bit like betrayal… it feels a bit like I am trying to “move on” from Gaye, but of course it’s none of those things. It’s just putting myself back together after half of me has literally disappeared.

I am just so scared to move forward, but I know that is what I have to do. Deep in my heart, I know, without a doubt, Gaye would want this of me. I pray and hope I have the strength to do it.

Stay tuned......

11 Month Mark Ache

It seems that with each passing day

I discover yet another piece of my past, my present, or my future that is now dead––another aching piece of myself that must now be mourned.
From my perspective, the task is beginning to appear daunting indeed.
I mourn my lost true love.
I mourn the lost future and all that it once promised.
I mourn the baby girl we will never have, and the baby boy I will never get to hold.

I mourn the European trips we so thoroughly planned
I mourn the lake house we will never both enjoy.
I mourn the long walks with Deacon we will never get to take, and the lazy afternoons watching movies and catching up on our favorite recorded TV shows.
I mourn the remission we believed in beyond all hope.
I mourn the pain and anxiety that Gaye experienced.
I mourn the “me” that used to be:
The one whose wife had never died in his arms.
The one who never knew the agony of nursing his one true love into eternity.
The one who believed that all would be OK in the end.
I mourn the fear that sometimes tortured Gaye––the fear I was powerless to take away.
I mourn the time when I had to be at work, instead of at home with my dear, frightened wife.
I mourn the “perfect past” that haunts me… those early days of dating and marriage (where have they gone?) before the word “cancer” became a regular part of our vocabulary.
I mourn my happiness.
I mourn my peace.
I mourn my youth.
I mourn my love.
I mourn my life.

I mourn my Gaye.

Castaway

The day goes by like a shadow o'er the heart,

With sorrow, where all was delight.

- Stephen Foster

Sometimes it is so hard to remember how life felt to me before this loss shifted the ground beneath me. I now mark events with a kind of "first time since Gaye has died" syndrome. At first the events are mundane - The first time I watched a certain TV show.... the first time I went to a party.... the first time I had a certain type of food. Then the seasonal milestones come along - The first fourth of July.... the first birthday... the first time a ran into a certain friend, and so on. And all of them shadowed by the loss that darkens everything I do, everything that happens. I wonder if it will always be so, and if so, how can I bear it?

Sorrow takes up the whole landscape. "Will joy come again?"

Great Spirit, now I pray to you...

Great Spirit, hear me;

My soul is weary,

Now I pray that your spirit will dwell in me.

-Kiowa Prayer

Grief is so damn tiring. The Sadness, Sorrow and loss saps my strength and resolve. There are so many to help me - I have some great Friends, family and of course, Deacon. Still a pervasive sense of fatigue and even despair, can seem my constant companion. I will myself to keep the faith. In fact, I know now is the time to embrace it. I really have no other choice. I ask God: "Come to me. Fill me with your presence. I cannot handle this by myself. HELP ME. Be my energy and my rest."

Spirit, whoever you are, wherever you are, be with me now!

One of Gaye's favorite movies was "Castaway". As Tom Hanks was being stranded and lost all hope for surviving, logic told him that there was indeed no hope... Tom made a conscious effort to continue breathing and live one more day, Against all logic, a sail washed ashore one day and Tom was able to get off that Island and re-join civilization.

With my Sadness, logic tells me I will never be able to overcome this grief. But with God's grace, I will keep on breathing and attempt to move forward every single day.

I guess you never now what the tide might bring in.

I will keep you posted.

302 days

10 months ago today Gaye passed. I miss her more today than August 23rd of last year. This day, I was hit with the the full range of emotions from sadness and helplessness to downright anger and bitterness towards God. For the first time, I can see and understand why people give up on life. I want so desperately to understand this chaos. I lean on my fragile psyche and faith to help me get through just another day. I find it impossible to see my life in the future without my Gaye and that is what fills me up with tears and sadness. I look so hard to find answers. All I get is silence - and that scares the hell out of me!

C.S Lewis wrote in a Grief Observed:

When I lay my questions before God I get no answer. But a rather special sort of no answer. It is not the locked door....It is more like a silent, certainly not uncompassionate, gaze. As though (God) he shook his head not in refusal but in waving the question.

Like: "Peace Child, you don't understand"

Sometimes, it seems our greatest hope is that we just don't understand. I will do my best to lean on Faith and Love. (Perhaps, that is why Gaye posted those words Faith, Hope and Love in our kitchen last year - To remind me daily of what is important!!!!)

I'll do my best Darling!

The Absence of her Company

We cannot re-create this world....

We cannot even, truly, re-create ourselves.

Only behavior can we re-create, or create anew.

- Alice Walker

Gaye was such an inspiration to me. Her Courage, Her Love, Her Intellect, Her Sympathy, Her Beauty, Her sense of Humor, Her Good Heart, Her Good Soul.

The absence of her company is all consuming.

As Peter Gabriel says in one of his songs "It's hard to move on, when you still love what is gone...."

As I had mentioned in an earlier entry, the first movie I went alone without Gaye was Curious Case of Benjamin Button. I watched it again this past weekend.

In the movie, Benjamin writes a letter to his daughter knowing that he will never see her again. He provides his imprint on how he hopes she will lead her life.

It is never too late or too early to be whoever you want to be.
There is no time limit.
You can start whenever you want.
You can Change or stay the same.
There are no rules to this thing.
You can make the best of it or the worst of it.
I hope you make the best of it.
I hope you see things that startle you.
I hope you feel things you have never felt before.
I hope you meet people with a different point of view.
I hope you live the life you are proud of.
If not, I hope you have the strength to start all over again.

Knowing Gaye, She would want me to follow this advice. She would hope I make the best of it and lead a life I am proud of. If not, she would expect me to have the strength to start all over again.

With Gaye's Love, Courage, Strength and Soul, I think she will pull me through..... Thank you baby!

Love, Hope and Faith - Part II

Deacon with Gaye's Godson Max standing among Love, Hope and Faith

On May 15th, Valeria, my next door neighbor and mother of Max, came up with a wonderful idea of planting three Leland Cypresses in honor of Gaye in my backyard. Each tree representing Love, Hope and Faith. From an earlier blog entry, I had written how Gaye had hung these three words up in our kitchen to help remind us of what is important in this life. In my times of loneliness, I lean on these words with every fiber of my soul to help me move forward and let go of my profound sadness. It continues to be a constant struggle. God, I miss her so much!

Tonight all the hells of young grief have opened up again; the mad words, the bitter resentment, the fluttering in the stomach, the nightmare reality, the wallowed-in-tears. For in grief nothing "stays put." One keeps on emerging from a phase, but it always recurs. Round and round. Everything repeats. Am I going in circles, or dare I hope am on a spiral?

-C.S. Lewis

"The refusal to love is the the only unbearable thing"

- Madeleine L' Engle

If we had no one we loved enough to mourn for, how flat, how terrible, our lives would be. What would my life have been without Gaye whom I loved so much? Is it worth the pain I am experiencing to have Gaye for only this brief moment in time?

Of Course it is worth the Pain!

Last month, I was walking to the Gym from the parking lot and I came across a person wearing a shirt with the caption "Life is Good". I laughed sarcastically at such a statement. "Not for Me" I replied to myself. I then held a lengthy self debate on how would I best capture my life story for my personal T-shirt - Life is ......

It is such an easy thing to say Life is sad, Life is heartbreaking, Life is unfair.... but that does not fully describe my experiences in total.

Life is Love!

That is what comes to mind. Love is so wonderful yet it can be so Tragic.

With Gaye's love, I experienced the mountaintop.

With Gaye's loss, I feel the depths of despair.

I guess I could not have one without the other. That was the cards I was dealt.

Give me love, I will take it every time.....

Tomorrow would have been our 5th wedding Anniversary. My happiest moment in this world was my Wedding Day, May 15th, 2004. Now, when I think of that most special day, it is easy to allow sadness and mourning take control for it is a reminder of what I have lost in my wife and best friend. I tell myself over and over "I cannot think that way!"

Make me to say, when all my griefs are gone,

"Happy the heart that sighed for such a one"

- Samuel Davis

Grief is so consuming, that it so hard to look ahead and foresee rejoicing - that I have been so blessed and privileged to share life with Gaye! I have been told, down the road, my gratitude for being in Gaye's life will far outstrip the terrible grief that permeates the whole landscape of my being. I am grateful, from the bottom of my heart, that my life has shared the life of Gaye. I must trust and have faith that someday my happiness as I remember our life together, will far outweigh the grief I feel now. Although I don't feel it and God knows I don't tell him, I am in one sense, the luckiest man alive, for I had the most Beautiful Wife and Loving partner.

Happy Anniversary Baby,

Deacon and I love you so Much!

Love Never Ends

I will miss seeing her face and hearing her voice and knowing she was always there close to me. She has crossed a river from me that I must wait to cross before I see her again.

When I see a river I will think of her

- Terry Kay

God, how I miss the common everyday companionship of Gaye - The face across the table, the presence in bed, the voice calling Deacon and my name. What a truckload of responsibility and potential for pain we take on when we love another human being: There are so many dangers - betrayal, indifference, misunderstanding, and ultimately, loss. Yet, all of us have no trouble opting for love. To more than balance those dangers, we feel the possibility of life made rich through sharing experiences with another - of physical and spiritual warmth and communion.

My love for Gaye helps me form the strength to deal with her human loss. The hope, the experiences and the love we shared allows me to believe in the possibility of hope and happiness again. And the intensity of grief mirrors the intensity of shared love.

Love... bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends.

- 1 Corinthians 13:7-8

I find comfort acknowledging this separation that Gaye has indeed "crossed a river"

In my mind and dreams, I come to a river and relinquish Gaye's hand and watch her cross over. I struggle, I do not not want to let go, I hold on with every bit of my strength - I pour out my soul with tears and fear - I scream out to God to not allow her to leave me and let go of my hand, but I know I have no choice but to let go - Eventually I accept it and a sense of relief envelopes me. I have faith that she is safe. I trust God. With this faith, I believe I will cross the same river when my time comes and all my fears, doubts and sadness will lift.

When I see a river, I will think of my beloved wife, Gaye.

A Sign? I like to Think So!

Easter is behind me. Thank God! It was a tough weekend. Listening to several sermons over the last several days, I not only prayed for the usual Strength and Hope but I asked God for an unusual request. During the season of Grief, one wants so badly to see a sign that can lift one's heart and fuel the faith that clings so delicately and fragile during the chaos and sadness. I simply asked God for a sign to help me with my faith in him. For if I know, if God exists, then I know, my Angel Gaye, is in a place that is beyond Imagination. For some reason, beyond my explanation, today was a very emotional day for me. I cried several times (at home, at the Gym, even walking Deacon around the block) I did not feel much better this evening as I was preparing for bed. As I was placing a magazine on my bed stand, I came across the below poem a recent friend gave me many months ago when we met at lunch. The poem was crammed under a big pile of numerous books and magazines. Well today at lunch, I finally got around to clearing my ever growing mountain of literature. So it was this evening, as I was placing a new magazine next to my bed, did I see this piece of paper turned down with the below poem. As I read, the poem seemed to speak to me. But, there seemed to be something extra special about this poem. As I finished reading the emotional prose, I noticed the date on the piece of paper was 4/13/00 at 9:31pm. The date my friend received this poem from another friend. This piece of paper had been on my bed stand for over four months - Yet the day and night I happen to read it, which happened to be a very tough day for me - was 4/13/09 at 9:52pm. I know, I know, it is only a coincidence, but to me it was very meaningful and impactful. I like to believe with every fiber of my being and soul that it was a sign, perhaps from God or Gaye to keep heart and to keep the faith. We do what we can to move forward. I will take whatever I can get these days.....

- If Tomorrow Starts without Me -

If tomorrow starts without me,
And I'm not there to see,
If the sun should rise and find your eyes
All filled with tears for me;

I wish so much you wouldn't cry
The way you did today,
While thinking of the many things,
We didn't get to say.

I know how much you love me,
As much as I love you,
And each time that you think of me,
I know you'll miss me too;

But when tomorrow starts without me,
Please try to understand,
That an angel came and called my name,
And took me by the hand,

And said my place was ready,
In heaven far above,
And that I'd have to leave behind
All those I dearly love.

But as I turned to walk away,
A tear fell from my eye,
For all my life, I'd always thought,
I didn't want to die.

I had so much to live for,
So much left yet to do,
It seemed almost impossible,
That I was leaving you.

I thought of all the yesterdays,
The good ones and the bad,
I thought of all that we shared,
And all the fun we had.

If I could relive yesterday,
Just even for a while,
I'd say good-bye and kiss you
And maybe see you smile.

But then I fully realized,
That this could never be,
For emptiness and memories,
Would take the place of me.

And when I thought of worldly things,
I might miss some tomorrow,
I thought of you, and when I did,
My heart was filled with sorrow.

But when I walked through heaven's gates,
I felt so much at home.
When God looked down and smiled at me,
From His great golden throne,
He said, "This is eternity,
And all I've promised you.
"Today your life on earth is past,
But here life starts anew.

I promise no tomorrow,
But today will always last,
And since each day is the same way,
There's no longing for the past.

So when tomorrow starts without me,
Don't think we're far apart,
For every time you think of me,
I'm right here, in your heart "
- Author Unknown -

I received a letter from my Therapist last week. It was a beautiful spring morning and she was thinking of Gaye, Deacon and I. In the letter she mentioned that she had read my latest blog entry and the following passage from James E. Miller came to mind:

I have known the blessing of sharing time with another,
One whom I have LOVED deeply.
I have been enriched by their life,
and I have felt diminished by their death.

I have lived it all:
The laughter and the tears,
the singing and the sighing,
the darkness and the light.
I have known how the world can change before your eyes
when you lose the one you love so much.
I have felt lonely and alone

Like so many others, I have been acquainted with grief.
Like so many others, I have been taught the mysterious
lessons of mourning
I have learned that as I let go, something will always remain,
that as I bid farewell, someone will always abide.
I have learned that love does not end

- Not even with Death -

It continues to express itself in ways even new

When I am most alone, the spirit of God accompanies me,

When I am most afraid, the Promise of God comforts me,

When I am most fragile, the Hands of God upholds me.

I see that however much I did not wish for this loss,

my time of losing can also be a time of gaining.

For I can come to appreciate life as I never have before.

I can experience and cherish growth as I never have before.

I can share in ways that might not otherwise be possible.

I am learning to see the ways in which I have been so blessed

by the God who walked me through grief of winter,

who accompanies me into the grace of summer's new life.

From the book

-Seasons of Grief and Healing-

Thank you Beth for your Thoughts and Wonderful letter.

Some People never have that much to Lose

I have to remind myself of how much I had been given. The Gift of Gaye was such a beautiful and special blessing. Every Day, I need to thank God that he guided Gelzer Loyall Sims III to the doorstep of Gaye Elizabeth Gwinn. Gaye's spirit was an incredible elixir and highly intoxicating . She had that quiet confidence and sparkle in her eye that made her so unique and different than anyone I have ever met. A woman with her Beauty and Credentials (MBA from Stanford) are not supposed to be that humble, fun, gracious, and caring. She certainly broke all the rules. After our chance encounter, we both knew our hearts would never be apart or alone again.

What keeps Grief and Sorrow an ever present friend is the realization that Gaye and I will not achieve our dreams together in this life. We had so many places to go.... Things to do..... More love to share.....

Without Gaye, I feel I have lost so much.
But, then again, with Gaye, I have also loved so great!!!!
I have been blessed to have Gaye's great LOVE.
Only a few in this world has encountered this truly unique and intoxicating Gift!
Only a few have experienced her LOVE
I have been so blessed to have received that Gift.
I am aware of how much I had been Given.

Her Gift Comforts me.
Even in my pain, I hold close to my heart the Gift of Gaye's life and LOVE.

Some Days are Better than Others

Gaye was given a CD from North Point Ministries titled "Hope, When Life Hurts Most" I came across this CD as I was going through some of her things the other day. I wonder if she listened to it? I hope she did. It had a deep and hopeful impact on me. There was a poem that hit home and perfectly describes my angst and sadness but hopeful faith. There are days where I want to scream at God at the top of my lungs looking for understanding, strength and love. This poem says it best:

Some days are better than others
The struggle within is a constant struggle
It goes back and forth
Some days are better than others
Laughing, Crying, Living, Dieing
It is a circle, a very exhausting circle
Continuing in faith, but almost losing Hope
Some Days are better than others
The enemy pulls one way
He is so strong
My Savior has his arms around me
Holding me tight
The enemy shouts, "Why didn't you save her?"
And my savior whispers to me "I Did"
Some Days are better than others.

I have to believe and have faith that God is Good. But sometimes I do lose hope. Some Days are better than others.

Letter to Gaye

It has been 163 days since our last date together. I try so hard to remember all the words we said that Friday night on August 15th. Burning in my Heart, haunting my soul, are all the words I did not say to you that apocalyptic night. I had a dream last night that Deacon escaped from his leash while we were running and was trampled to death by a big Semi-Truck. The dream felt so real that I instantly woke up, hugged Deacon in our bed and then began to weep and cry, missing you. Over the last 5+ months, I must have verbally expressed how much I miss you no less than 1,000 times to myself. On my way to Church yesterday I thought why I am saying "I miss you" so much.

The answer is that I am waiting for you to respond.

See Honey, for the last 8 years, you have been my foundation where I could always go to for guidance, love and understanding. I can't get accustomed to you not being here to answer my fears and doubt. In July, I asked if you believe in God and Heaven and you said you do. That simple reply, calmed my insecurities about what is beyond "Life" so much. At times, I feel I am such a coward and not nearly as strong as you. Other times, I am so selfish and feel so sorry for myself for what I have lost in my life. "Life" is certainly not fair and I understand that we won't understand this wrongful chaos and injustices down here. I am so tired of the Grief and Mourning baby. The weight of the profound sadness seems just too heavy at times for me to go on. The Storm is crashing down all around. Don't worry, I won't give up the fight. I am praying so much for strength. I know you did the same when you encountered uncertainty and doubt. God, I wish you could hold me and tell me that everything is going to be OK. I miss my foundation and your love so much. Before I go to bed, I often pray that you will come down and embrace me through dreams.
I do have the faith that I am going to come out of this journey a much better and appreciative man. I want you to be proud of me so much! That is what sustains me to move forward.

I love you baby!

Falling Forward and the Faith of Making it Through on my Own.

Thinking about Gaye and I, I conjure up what would I be willing to give up if I could have Gaye back in my Living World and be able to embrace and talk again with her? I have a simple answer. I would do anything, I would give away all that I own and do whatever it takes, to do just that and go back.

To go back before the Pain,
To go back before the Illness,
To go back before the Cancer,

But I understand......

The life I knew with Gaye, the life we shared before this happened - no longer exists. No matter how much I hate to admit it. Convinced, bit by bit, I tell myself to move forward - into a new sense of time and relationship with my wife and into a new relationship with Myself. What other choices do I have? Stand still and turn into stone?

"There is no way out, only a way forward."
No, I must keep moving, and in the only direction that is open to me

- Forward-

Forward into a new land, Forward into an unknown adventure, Forward into an unknown territory... and it scares the hell out of me.

Gaye always loved adventures, perhaps she will take my hand to pull me forward. (I like to believe that) I also pray that Gaye's love will pull me through. Rosie Thomas articulated perfectly in her song "You and Me" which I feel was Custom Made for me.

You and me, me and you
There's so much that we've been through,
through it all I've come to understand God's love.
And if tomorrow never comes
know this twice, just know this once.
Knowing you has made me able to go on.
You and me, me and you
There couldn't be a better two,
to be blessed and know the meaning of true love.
And if you leave me I feel scared,
fall apart so unprepared.
But I dare to make it through all on my own.
Yes I dare to make it through on my own.

I simply wish I didn't have to......

Oh, The Things I Love and Miss........

I love these Photographs! Surprisingly, when I gaze at these Pics, it warms my Heart vs. breaking it.

(Is this a sign of healing?)

These Pictures encapsulates everything I Love and miss about Gaye. As you can see, Cancer nor Disease could strip away that beautiful smile she has.

Costa Rica was the destination for our last trip. We decided to zip-line one day in the Tropical Rain Forest.

Tumors and Pain did not win out, this one day.

Gaye has a love affair and deep passion for traveling. I quickly become as fanatical about exploring and experiencing the world as her. Besides Costa Rica, we were blessed to have visited Hawaii, Prague, Vienna, Paris, Bahamas, Aruba, Cabo San Lucas, Puerto Rico and all parts of Tuscany. That does not include the many cities we visited in the States. (Not bad for 7 years, huh?) Cancer did not allow us to see Venice and Rome. Another reason to hate Cancer with every fiber of your being. "F@*K Cancer" as Gaye used to say. (Amen Baby)

Love!!!!!!

The things that I miss these days, turn into the things that I love. Gaye showed me so many things that I have come to love.

Because of Gaye, I love.......

Bagel Bites
Margaretta Pizzas
Moe's Tacos con Queso
Short Stack of Pancakes with Bacon, butter & gobs of Syrup.
Chips.. All kind of chips, as long as they are not Nacho Cheese...
French Onion Dip
Chick Flicks
NetFlix
Massages, Facials and Pedicures
The Power of the Written Word
Piano Music
A Good Night Kiss right before Bed
Reading the Sunday paper in Bed
Drivers who vocally voice their opinions on other drivers
Vizslas
Dinner Parties with close friends
New York City
Pacific Coast Highway
White Convertable Sports Cars (Joke for Gaye only)
Broadway Shows
Hogs and Heffers and dancing on the bar
The Tangible Value of Friendships
Holding Hands
A Sweet Embrace
A random "I Love You"
Dreams
Quiet Confidence
The belief in Love, Hope and Faith
Heaven and God

So I have provided an infinitely small sample of what I love because of Gaye.

To answer the question, "What do I miss due to Gaye"
Well that one is very simple to answer -

I MISS the prospect of growing old with my beautiful Gaye.

My Darling, Thank you for showing me what Love truly means!

The Faith of Letting Go

Faith is being certain of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see. Hebrews 11:1

Letting Go is so damn scary for me.

It is something I need to do! It is something I have to do!

It is much easier to allow the profound sadness and mourning to continue and linger. The Great Sadness and Grief (SG) virtually becomes your best friend. SG reminds me of Gaye and all the wonderful, special, unique moments and experiences we had that most likely will never be shared again. By Letting go, will I lose that plain of memory and truely relegate Gaye to the past like a dream or nightmare where images begin to fade?

Why do I want to lose that?

SG also provides me with something tangibly to hold onto - Anger, Remorse and Loneliness. Of course, it would be better to hold onto to things such as love, but with death, love is hard to find and embrace.

By not letting go - I can exclaim to the world that this is not fair!
I can yell, I can cry, I can curse at God and resent him for taking my wife and best friend!

But, what does that get me? No matter what happens, I just have to let go.

I don't understand this world and why things like this happen.
Was it Fate?
Could it have been our Destiny?
Or simply free will and the cards we were dealt, we must accept?

I guess this is where Faith comes in. With Faith, Letting Go is acceptable.

I am putting my faith in God that he has a plan. Gaye one time mentioned to me that God's plan was revealed to her when we met. She had great doubts about God's plan before we met, but those doubts were erased upon our union. The struggles she faced made God's plan that much sweeter when it was revealed.

I love Gaye, I will always love Gaye. Because of her, I am such a better man. I have found the love, the hope and the faith of God again through her. Her memory will never fade, our moments and experiences together will be special places deep within my heart that will sustain me. I am blessed knowing Gaye and I shared something truly special that was remarkably unique only to us.

Because of her, I now have the faith and the strength of letting go.......