The Sacredness in Tears

It has been four months since Gaye has passed. Over the last few days, I seem to feel the FULL force of Grief. Can I attribute this to the Holidays? Perhaps it is the melting away of the initial shock and disbelief that I will never hug, smile and embrace my loving wife in this mortal world again. I went to see a movie alone this past Saturday (Curious Case of Benjamen Button) and all I could think about was that Gaye should be holding and rubbing my hand and leaning her pretty head against my shoulders. (Oh, the simple things I miss so much).


I am praying more than I ever have. I am reading books, listening to audio tapes - in essence - looking to find hope wherever I can. C.S Lewis once said in his moment of profound grief over the loss of his wife to Cancer "...But go to Him (God) when your need is desperate, when all other help is vain, and what do you find? A door slammed in your face, and a sound of bolting and double bolting on the inside. After that, silence.... Why is He so present a commander in our time of prosperity and so very absent a help in time of trouble?"

Not a single person would accuse me of being an emotional person on the outside - in fact - I have been labled as quite stoic and internal as it relates to emotions and love.
I wonder what Gaye is thinking of me today? I believe she is quite shocked at how emotional I have been. I think she would never have thought I could have the capacity to write a blog sharing with the world my love and feelings towards her. Gaye is still teaching me to this day.

With the loss, the tears have flowed continuously and with fervor and from deep within my soul. The tears are real and I think Gaye would be proud of me for this outpouring of emotion and tears vs my standard internal keep it inside emoting.

I came across a very powerful statement from Washington Irving as it relates to tears:

There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than 10,000 tongues. They are the messengers of overwhelming grief, of deep contrition, and of unspeakable love.

Words cannot express how much I love you, Baby!!!!
(Next time I am at the movies, please come down and hold my hand!)

Love, Hope and Faith

Thanks to Gaye, whenever someone visits our house, one can easily see the words - Love, Hope and Faith - in Chinese translation hung between the kitchen and family room. Last year, Gaye posted these words up where they would be most visible. One cannot walk into the either room without having your eyes settle on these three words.

Over the last month, as I have struggled with my journey and dark night of the soul, I find myself focusing on these words Gaye hung. In fact, when I am in the valley of my journey and see no direction and guidance, I simply recite the words - sometimes out loud - to shed light on my doubts and insecurities. These words - Love, Hope and Faith - provides a ladder for me to begin my climb out of the depth of sadness.

Gaye embodied these three words and that sustains me.

When Gaye and I were dating back in 2002. We decided to take a trip to Hawaii for our first major vacation together. Things were going OK, not great. On the second day, Gaye pulled me aside and asked if we could sit down and pray together. We sat down and Gaye led the prayer by saying how much she was blessed to have met me and thankful for what God has given her. We both prayed that this relationship would serve God and that we would be extremely happy together. Gaye's affinity to pray with me and pray for our relationship made all the difference moving forward.

Because of Gaye,
Because of her love and confidence in me
Because of her faith,
She was the one that restored my teetering faith.

Since things are not going so great right now, I would like to pray with Gaye once again.

"Gaye, my angel, my loving wife, I am so thankful and blessed to have met you and for what God has given me. We had a great life, only too short in this mortal world. I think God has called upon you to save other souls like you have saved mine. I am selfish though, I miss you so. You will always be in my heart and I will always love you to no end. When this earthly run ends, I look forward to coming home to you. You are now serving the Grace of God, and I will be doing the same down here in this mortal world. I am blessed by you and God and I thank you for putting those three words up on our wall - Love, Hope and Faith - to remind me of your Grace everyday."

Amen

Hanging by a Thread

As I was working out last week, I came across this tune on my Ipod from an artist I used to listen to quite a bit 10 years ago.

I cry, I close my eyes
And every tear falls down inside
And I pray with all my might
That I will find my heart in someone's arms
When I cry,
When I cry, when I am sad
I think of every awful thing I ever did
When I cry, there is no love
No, there is nothing that can comfort me enough
When I cry
Cry, cry

The salt inside my body ruins
Everyone I come close to


My hands are barely holding up my head
Oh, I'm so tired of looking at my feet
And all the secrets that I keep
My heart is barely hangin' by a thread
Hangin' by a thread


Oh, look at me
At all I've done
I've lost so many things that I so dearly love
I lost my soul
I lost my pride
Oh, I lost any hope of having a good life
So I cry
Cry, cry

I miss you all
I wish I was
With you now
I wish I was

By Jane Arden -

The lyrics hit me like a Freight train causing me to literally bowl over with emotions, heartache and sorrow. The lyrics felt so personal and real. There are times when I am in the valley of my journey (See earlier post) where I really feel sorry for myself and pity my circumstances, state and fate. I feel like I am barely hanging on by a thread to just make it through one more night and one more day. This stage of the journey is supposedly common although knowing that fact certainly does not make me feel any better. I used to complain to Gaye about certain things that had happened to me from a business or personal nature and she would many times reply "I'm Sorry". I never did get satisfaction from her response because she didn't cause the issue so there was no need for her to apologize. Gaye moving forward amended her retort by chuckling and always replying "I'm sorry for you" with the response tickling with sarcasm. I now think about that running joke. If she saw me on days when I am in the Valley, I can hear her say to me "I'm sorry for you". I can hear her also say, "Now pick yourself up, stop feeling sorry for yourself and embrace, cherish and love what you have. Life is too Damn short, so make the most of it. Why cry for a soul set free? I am dancing with the Angels and will be waiting to take your hand..... Don't forget to hug Deacon for me!"