The Sacredness in Tears

It has been four months since Gaye has passed. Over the last few days, I seem to feel the FULL force of Grief. Can I attribute this to the Holidays? Perhaps it is the melting away of the initial shock and disbelief that I will never hug, smile and embrace my loving wife in this mortal world again. I went to see a movie alone this past Saturday (Curious Case of Benjamen Button) and all I could think about was that Gaye should be holding and rubbing my hand and leaning her pretty head against my shoulders. (Oh, the simple things I miss so much).


I am praying more than I ever have. I am reading books, listening to audio tapes - in essence - looking to find hope wherever I can. C.S Lewis once said in his moment of profound grief over the loss of his wife to Cancer "...But go to Him (God) when your need is desperate, when all other help is vain, and what do you find? A door slammed in your face, and a sound of bolting and double bolting on the inside. After that, silence.... Why is He so present a commander in our time of prosperity and so very absent a help in time of trouble?"

Not a single person would accuse me of being an emotional person on the outside - in fact - I have been labled as quite stoic and internal as it relates to emotions and love.
I wonder what Gaye is thinking of me today? I believe she is quite shocked at how emotional I have been. I think she would never have thought I could have the capacity to write a blog sharing with the world my love and feelings towards her. Gaye is still teaching me to this day.

With the loss, the tears have flowed continuously and with fervor and from deep within my soul. The tears are real and I think Gaye would be proud of me for this outpouring of emotion and tears vs my standard internal keep it inside emoting.

I came across a very powerful statement from Washington Irving as it relates to tears:

There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than 10,000 tongues. They are the messengers of overwhelming grief, of deep contrition, and of unspeakable love.

Words cannot express how much I love you, Baby!!!!
(Next time I am at the movies, please come down and hold my hand!)

Love, Hope and Faith

Thanks to Gaye, whenever someone visits our house, one can easily see the words - Love, Hope and Faith - in Chinese translation hung between the kitchen and family room. Last year, Gaye posted these words up where they would be most visible. One cannot walk into the either room without having your eyes settle on these three words.

Over the last month, as I have struggled with my journey and dark night of the soul, I find myself focusing on these words Gaye hung. In fact, when I am in the valley of my journey and see no direction and guidance, I simply recite the words - sometimes out loud - to shed light on my doubts and insecurities. These words - Love, Hope and Faith - provides a ladder for me to begin my climb out of the depth of sadness.

Gaye embodied these three words and that sustains me.

When Gaye and I were dating back in 2002. We decided to take a trip to Hawaii for our first major vacation together. Things were going OK, not great. On the second day, Gaye pulled me aside and asked if we could sit down and pray together. We sat down and Gaye led the prayer by saying how much she was blessed to have met me and thankful for what God has given her. We both prayed that this relationship would serve God and that we would be extremely happy together. Gaye's affinity to pray with me and pray for our relationship made all the difference moving forward.

Because of Gaye,
Because of her love and confidence in me
Because of her faith,
She was the one that restored my teetering faith.

Since things are not going so great right now, I would like to pray with Gaye once again.

"Gaye, my angel, my loving wife, I am so thankful and blessed to have met you and for what God has given me. We had a great life, only too short in this mortal world. I think God has called upon you to save other souls like you have saved mine. I am selfish though, I miss you so. You will always be in my heart and I will always love you to no end. When this earthly run ends, I look forward to coming home to you. You are now serving the Grace of God, and I will be doing the same down here in this mortal world. I am blessed by you and God and I thank you for putting those three words up on our wall - Love, Hope and Faith - to remind me of your Grace everyday."

Amen

Hanging by a Thread

As I was working out last week, I came across this tune on my Ipod from an artist I used to listen to quite a bit 10 years ago.

I cry, I close my eyes
And every tear falls down inside
And I pray with all my might
That I will find my heart in someone's arms
When I cry,
When I cry, when I am sad
I think of every awful thing I ever did
When I cry, there is no love
No, there is nothing that can comfort me enough
When I cry
Cry, cry

The salt inside my body ruins
Everyone I come close to


My hands are barely holding up my head
Oh, I'm so tired of looking at my feet
And all the secrets that I keep
My heart is barely hangin' by a thread
Hangin' by a thread


Oh, look at me
At all I've done
I've lost so many things that I so dearly love
I lost my soul
I lost my pride
Oh, I lost any hope of having a good life
So I cry
Cry, cry

I miss you all
I wish I was
With you now
I wish I was

By Jane Arden -

The lyrics hit me like a Freight train causing me to literally bowl over with emotions, heartache and sorrow. The lyrics felt so personal and real. There are times when I am in the valley of my journey (See earlier post) where I really feel sorry for myself and pity my circumstances, state and fate. I feel like I am barely hanging on by a thread to just make it through one more night and one more day. This stage of the journey is supposedly common although knowing that fact certainly does not make me feel any better. I used to complain to Gaye about certain things that had happened to me from a business or personal nature and she would many times reply "I'm Sorry". I never did get satisfaction from her response because she didn't cause the issue so there was no need for her to apologize. Gaye moving forward amended her retort by chuckling and always replying "I'm sorry for you" with the response tickling with sarcasm. I now think about that running joke. If she saw me on days when I am in the Valley, I can hear her say to me "I'm sorry for you". I can hear her also say, "Now pick yourself up, stop feeling sorry for yourself and embrace, cherish and love what you have. Life is too Damn short, so make the most of it. Why cry for a soul set free? I am dancing with the Angels and will be waiting to take your hand..... Don't forget to hug Deacon for me!"

My Birthday Wish

Today is my Birthday.

When I was young, my parents made my birthday such a unique and special time to celebrate on a day, that in my mind, tangibly stood out from any other holiday. My mom would ask, "Since this is such a special day, what would you like to do today? What would you like to eat? Where would you like to go? As you prepare to blow out the candles on the cake, remember to make that one unique wish for the upcoming year!!!"

When you throw into the mix, the prospect of presents and making that all important "always coming true" Birthday Wish", it was indeed the funnest day of the year....... November was my favorite month for the anticipatory birthday to occur at the end.

As we mature and age, the birthdays unfortunately began to merge and seem like any other day. Perhaps we downplay it because of our advancing age and subconscious denial that we hate getting older. Our birthdays just reinforces our maturing human self. Why celebrate one step closer to Geezer territory?

Getting older never really bothered me. It was a fact of life that we could not do anything about so why worry and dwell on something that is out of our control.

Gaye and I used to have a running joke on who looked younger. I used to say I was her boy toy from a looks perspective (She was only one year older) and she would respond by asking anybody in the room who looked younger. Needless to say, she would always win that argument. No one would disagree with her on that issue. Not even Me! (Except for that very long thin silver streak of hair in the back, which I loved, she simply defied age and looked radiant)

How ironic, isn't it?


So as I encounter and experience my first birthday without Gaye in my life since 2000, I am in very little mood to celebrate and feel special.

I have read that Grief is the emotional response to the pain of a loss. It is the reflection of a connection that has been broken.

Most important, I have read, grief is an emotional, spiritual, and psychological journey to healing.

If that is true, I embrace and welcome Grief! I want it to envelope me and cleanse me of my profound Sadness, Longing and Pain.

My Birthday wish today is Grief.

The Journey

Before we go through a loss like this, we assume that grief is like falling into a deep hole. We think we will start climbing a ladder and as we get closer to the top things start getting brighter and brighter and we keep feeling better and better until we finally step out into the sunshine where the birds are singing and beautiful music is playing and our grief is over and we are then officially “over it”.

Instead, I have found it is like being plunked down into the middle of a mountain range. We start on the top, with the breathtaking view, when life is wonderful. We are just walking along, basking in the sun and the beautiful scenery when suddenly we fall off a cliff. Now we are lying in a deep, deep valley: bruised, confused, hurt, scared, and lonely. We soon realize that there is no easy way out, no rescue in sight. The only way out is to do it ourselves.

So we start working our way up the mountainside, sometimes walking, sometimes crawling, and often stumbling. It is very hard, very discouraging, and very exhausting work. Finally we reach the top and see the sun again for a while. Maybe the top will be flat and we’ll get to spend a little time up there enjoying it, or maybe it is very steep and as soon as we get there we have to start back down the other side into the next valley again.

The one thing we notice is that there are mountains as far as the eye can see. Somehow, we have to make our way through them if we are ever to get out. That thought can be overwhelming and cause us to give up for a while. But eventually we realize once again that the only way out is to keep going, so we start again: down one mountain and up the next. And sometimes on the journey, after a particularly hard stretch, we think, “I’m so glad I finally made it through that.” And then we stop and look around and realize that we’ve been here before! All this work and we’ve gone in a circle and we’re going to have to do it all again!

And sometimes as we are climbing, we look up to see if we are getting any closer to the top, and we see a boulder heading our way. If we are fortunate, we manage to avoid it. But usually we can’t, and it hits us head on and sends us tumbling back down to the bottom.

Sometimes when we are in the deepest part of the valley, we just sit, exhausted. And we might notice some things around us that we never saw before: flowers and animals and a gentle breeze in the cool of the valley. There is a world down in the valley that we never even knew existed, and there is beauty in it.

And sometimes at night, when all is quiet, we can hear the others who are in the valley weeping. And it is then that we realize that we are not alone, that others are making this journey too. And we realize that we share an understanding of the journey and of the world of the valley that most others don’t. And it gives us strength to start the climb all over again.

Sometimes as we are climbing the mountain, a helicopter may come by with some of our friends in it. Seeing us struggling up the mountain, they shout encouraging things like, “I know just what you’re going through; I went on a hike once.” And “At least you have your other kids to make this climb so much easier.” And “You are so strong; I know I couldn’t make this climb.” Or they ask, “When will you finally get over these mountains and be yourself again?”

And we try to tell them about the journey and the world of the valley, but the sound of the helicopter drowns us out and they can’t hear us. They throw down some food to give us energy, and it does, but some of it just pelts us on the head and makes the climb even harder. And then they leave, and we breathe a sigh of relief that we can get back to our climb in peace.

As we make this journey, we start to notice that we are becoming a little bit stronger. When we get to the rough patches we now see that we are shaken but don’t always fall. We find that sometimes we can walk upright now, instead of just crawling. And sometimes we can see a rough spot ahead and manage to find a better way around it.

And once in a while we crest a mountain and see that the top is very flat and very beautiful, and we get to spend quite a while resting and recovering on the top before starting down again. And we notice that we are getting closer to the edge of the mountains; they seem to be getting a little smaller. The mountains are not as tall, and the valleys are not as low or as wide. In fact, we can now see the foothills, and it gives us hope.

And throughout this journey, we see the others who are traveling it as well, sometimes at a distance, and sometimes up close. And we encourage each other to keep going and to watch out for certain things. We talk about the journey and the world of the valley. Finally, someone else who understands! And we cry together when it is just too hard. And sometimes, we catch a glimpse of someone who has made it to the foothills.

And we are so excited for them, and we become even more determined to keep going because someday, we too, will make it to the foothills.So my point is this: everyone starts on a different mountain. No two journeys are the same. Some people spend a lot of time in the valley at first, and some have more time on top of the mountain. But we will all be both on the mountains and in the valleys. And we will all someday make it to the foothills.

I promise.

By: Mindy Wilsford

Provided to me by Beth Haines

Seven Years Ago Today, God Smiled.....

Seven years ago today, God smiled and introduced me to Gaye. From the first moment we gazed into each other's eyes, we knew something was diffferent and perhaps destined.....
It is very easy to be mad at God for taking my wife, lover and best friend away. When I lost my sister and father at an early age, I took out my anger and frustration upon God and lost a great deal of faith. That anger and grievance got me nowhere. I know God did not turn his back on me like I did to him. That was re-affirmed when he brought me to Gaye on November 10th, 2001.

On our wedding Day, May 14th, 2004, Gaye gave me a letter that I would like to share:

Dear Tripp,
November 10th, 2001 - Dan & Tracy's wedding - you caught me so off-guard. It is amazing to me how little I expected going into that wedding - I really thought I was going to make a quick showing and then get out of there as quietly as I could. I knew I was supposed to meet you; but I had had so many friends try to set me up, and it never amounted to anything. But, then I met you. The first moment I met you..... well maybe the second moment in the dining room, I knew that you were different. I can't honestly say why I knew that, but I did. Maybe I just hoped. But I loved your energy... your enthusiasm... your intellect... your wit. I loved the way you felt in my arms when we danced... the way you kissed... the feel of your stomach when I hugged you from behind. I loved how easy it was to just be with you. I knew enough to know that first attractions can sometimes seem perfect, etc, and that I didn't really know you; but I knew there was something in you worth taking some time to know. Some people say it's all in the timing when you meet the right person. Maybe - but for me - it was all in the person - it was... truly... all about you!
And, for the last 2 and a half years, you have changed my life - brought a higher level of hope and happiness - a future that I only dreamed of. You brought me laughter and passion and comfort and love, and I feel blessed - immensely blessed.
I always thought about writing my own vows would be too difficult - too much pressure, but I will give it a go.

Tripp Sims - this is what I vow to you... that for the rest of my life I will do my best
to take care of you
to make you happy
to support you
to encourage you
to help make your dreams come true
to listen to what you tell me you need
to anticipate what you don't tell me you need
to be a safe haven for you
to give you space when you need it
to talk with you when I'm having a problem
to face our challenges head on and not walk away (or take an Ambien!)
to have a short memory for our bad times and a long memory for our good times
to do whatever it takes to keep our love and our family strong.

I promise
to honor you ...
to respect you ...
to be loyal to you ...
to be faithful to you ...
and to love you ... always!

I chose the song that Norm will sing at our wedding because when I first heard it, I thought, " When I meet the man who makes these words real:

I never thought that there could be
a love like yours and mine
I never dreamed that I would see
the day that I could find
A love that feels so right
But, here we are tonight,
and now the only thing we really
need is time.

I have been told that all marriage - is choosing the person that you want to fall in and out of love with for the rest of your life.
I choose you.
I will stay with you whatever life may bring. You are the man that I want to face every day of the rest of my life with ...
The man I want to call my husband.

I love you with all my heart,
Gaye


Can I really be mad at God for blessing me with this Angel? I must remember to accept the Good!

There are no Words

There are no words ...what can I say?
At last her sweet soul winged its way
To peace and freedom in the sky
Where never again will she suffer or cry.
It's all part of God's great plan ...
Which remains a mystery to man.
We cannot understand His ways
Nor can we count our earthly days.
But who are we to question and doubt?
God knoweth well what He's about;
He knew she longed to "go to sleep"
Where only angels, a vigil keep.
The pain of living grew too great
No longer could she stay and wait;
She did not want to leave you, dear,
But she had finished her work down here.
So she closed her eyes and when she awoke,
These are the words the Master spoke ...

"Welcome, dear child, you are Home at last,
And now the burden of living is past."
"There's work for you in My Kingdom, dear
And you are needed and wanted here."

So weep not, she has just gone on ahead,
Don't think of her as being dead.
She's out of sight for a little while,
And you'll miss her touch and her little smile,
But you know she is safe in the home above
Where there is nothing but Peace and Love.
And, surely, you would not deny her peace ...
And you're glad that she has found release.

Think of her there as a soul that is free,
And Home at last, where she wanted to be.

~ Helen Steiner Rice ~

Be Patient

I stood by your bed last night,
I came to have a peep.
I could see that you were crying,
you found it hard to sleep.
I whined to you softly as you brushed away a tear,
"It's me, I haven't left you, I'm well, I'm fine, I'm here.

"I was close to you at breakfast,
I watched you pour the cereal,
you were thinking of the many times
your hands reached down to me.

I was with you at the shops today,
your arms were getting sore.
I longed to take your parcels,
I wish I could do more.

I was with you at my grave today,
you tend it with such care.
I want to reassure you,
that I'm not lying there.

I walked with you towards the house,
as you fumbled for your key.
I gently put my paw on you,
I smiled and said "it's me."

You looked so very tired, and sank into a chair.
I tried so hard to let you know,
that I was standing there.

It's possible for me to be so near you every day.
To say to you with certainty,
"I never went away.
"You sat there very quietly,
then smiled, I think you knew
... in the stillness of that evening,
I was very close to you.
The day is over... I smile and watch you yawning
and say "goodnight, God bless, I'll see you in the morning."

And when the time is right for you to cross the brief divide,
I'll rush across to greet you and we'll stand, side by side.
I have so many things to show you, there is so much for you to see.
Be patient, live your journey out ... then come home to be with me.

~~Author Unknown~~

When I Must Leave You

When I must leave you for a little while
Please do not grieve and shed wild tears
And hug your sorrow to you through the years.
But start out bravely with a gallant smile;
And for my sake and in my name
Live on and do all things the same

Feed not your loneliness on empty days,
But fill each waking hour in useful ways,
Reach out your hand in comfort and in cheer
And I in turn will comfort you
And hold you near;

And never, never be afraid to die,
For I am waiting for you in the sky!

~ Helen Steiner Rice ~

I Do Believe

There is nothing I can do,
to make her come back.
There are no words I can say,
that can replace the words you long to hear.
There are no answer's I can give,
that will satisfy your questions.

There is not another soul
I can introduce you
to that will ever replace her
and there is no love I can offer
that will ever replace the love you shared
I can not promise
your broken heart will ever be complete.

I will not say it could have been worse.
I will not deny it was a tragedy.
I will not lie and tell you she will come back

She never really left
I do promise she hears you when you speak
I will say she loves you no matter the distance
I will not deny she is in a better place
And, I will not lie; she is waiting to greet you someday

She is every you step you take
She is in everything you do
She is the air you breathe
She is every beat of your heart

" She is like the wind. You can not see her...but you will always feel her"

Miss Me, But Let Me Go

When I come to the end of the road,
and the sun has set for me.
I want no rites in a gloom-filled room.
Why cry for a soul set free?

Miss me a little—but not too long,
and not with your head bowed low.
Remember the love that was once shared.
Miss me, but let me go.

For this is a journey we all must take,
and each must go alone.
It’s all a part of the master’s plan,
a step on the road to home.

When you are lonely and sick of heart,
go to the friends we know.
Bear your sorrow in good deeds.
Miss me, but let me go.

Author Unknown

The Widower

For a season there must be pain--
For a little, little space
I shall lose the sight of her face,
Take back the old life again
While She is at rest in her place.

For a season this pain must endure,
For a little, little while
I shall sigh more often than smile
Till time shall work me a cure,
And the pitiful days beguile.

For that season we must be apart,
For a little length of years,
Till my life's last hour nears,
And, above the beat of my heart,
I hear Her voice in my ears.

But I shall not understand--
Being set on some later love,
Shall not know her for whom I strove,
Till she reach me forth her hand,
Saying, "Who but I have the right?"
And out of a troubled night
Shall draw me safe to the land.

Rudyard Kipling

Provided to me by Russell Siebert one week after Gaye passed.

Gone From My Sight

I am standing upon the seashore.
A ship at my side spreads her white
sails to the morning breeze and starts
for the blue ocean.

She is an object of beauty and strength.
I stand and watch her until at length
she hangs like a speck of white cloud
just where the sea and sky come
to mingle with each other.

Then someone at my side says:
"There, she is gone!"

"Gone where?"
Gone from my sight. That is all.
She is just as large in mast and hull
and spar as she was when she left my side
and she is just as able to bear her
load of living freight to her destined port.
Her diminished size is in me, not in her.

And just at the moment when someone
at my side says: "There, she is gone!"
there are other eyes watching her coming,
and other voices ready to take up the glad
shout:

"Here she comes!"

and that is dying.

by Henry Van Dyke

This Poem was provided to me a week after Gaye passed and really had an impact. I like to think that my Dad and Sister are the ones to exclaim "Here she comes!" It is know their turn to be blessed with Gaye.

Accept the Good!

"Accept the Good" Three simple words. Easy to Say. Easy to Recite. However, is it possible to live with this creed without dwelling on the pain of loss? Gaye was truly my savior and Angel in so many ways. When I first met her, I had no personal direction and was going down a path of self destruction, or at the very least, true self absorption. From the moment I met her at a friend's wedding, Gaye became a moral center and took my hand and guided me back to all things that are good and right with the world. She willed me back to being a good soul. As C.S. Lewis articulated, "The pain now was part of the happiness then......that is part of the deal" With the wound deep and fresh and throbbing to a deafening roar, I want to accept the Good - be thankful and blessed that Gaye came into my life and turned it around - But, God, I miss her so, I cannot see beyond my hurt and anguish. Gaye was a gift from God. Am I being selfish and just thinking about my loss and not how blessed I was for Gaye in my life? My emotions are playing a tug of war where pain, sorrow and grief is the stronger competitor. I am a fighter, but I need to lean on something greater to help me in this crises to simply and blessedly accept the good.

Shine Away

Webster Dictionary defines Translucent as free from disguise and falseness and permitting the passage of light. Gaye Gwinn Sims was my Translucent Beacon. She was a shining star and guiding light that melted away the darkness. Her Physical being is gone, but we must allow her translucent light to continue to shine in our souls. It is easy for darkness to encompass us with Grief and Mourning. Let us shine Gaye's glow on that darkness and remember she is with us in our hearts. I have faith that we will experience her translucent light, spirit and soul again not only on earth but on the other side. Gaye believed it. Who am I to not agree with my translucent Gaye