The Weight of Grief

A very close friend has been visiting me recently. I call Grief a friend, for as much as I Yell -Fight -Scream, Grief is always willing to be at my side through good times and bad. (Lucky Me)  Being the glutton for Punishment, I decided to watch the movie "Rabbit Hole" last night. For those not aware, it is the story of a young couple who loses their child.  Rabbit Hole was an extremely successful Broadway play and with me and my close friend finding nothing to do, wallowing with others in their sadness seemed like a rational albeit morose act with my buddy.

A particular scene describing Grief leaped off the screen and totally hit home on the Grief process....

Becca: Does it ever go away?
Nat: No, I don't think it does. Not for me, it hasn't, and that's goin' on eleven years. It changes, though.
Becca: How?
Nat: I don't know... the weight of it, I guess. At some point, it becomes bearable. It turns into something that you can crawl out from under and... carry around like a brick in your pocket. And you... you even forget it, for a while. But then you reach in for whatever reason and - there it is. Oh right, that. Which could be awful - But not all the time. It's kinda... not that you like it exactly, but it's what you have instead of your son, so you don't wanna let go of it either. So you carry it around. And it doesn't go away, which is...
Becca: What.
Nat: Fine... actually.

Grief is my link to Gaye. I don't want to let go, so I carry it around with me...... and you know what, that actually is fine.

The true value of Friendship reminds us how lucky we are to share the experiences we've encountered.

I thank God everyday for the love of Gaye.

Yep.... I will take Grief as a friend every time...

to remind me....

Our last Vacation together ,
Costa Rica
(Love our matching Haircuts)

I have a Place of Peace within myself. I can find it.

Where?

Where has it Gone, 

that light, that spark,

that love that looked into mine?

What has it to do with that cold clay?

It's here, 

here,

here,

here in my heart.

She is in me,

around me.

Nothing in that clay

-Anzia Yezierska-

The change is astonishing when breath and life depart 

and all there is left are the cremains.

I look at this dust

it is loved, it is revered.

But it is only particles.

No Physical presence that Gaye ever existed.

Where has she gone?

Interpretations differ according to belief and experience.

An epic war I pray endlessly to comprehend.

There is one certainty, I know without a Doubt.

Gaye lives on through the things she has taught me

and in ways that has profound impact in my life.

So, in the weeks, months, years that lie ahead for me

in this Less Gaye Physical World,

I will feel, I will experience, I will love. 

I will encounter Life and think:

"I wonder. Yes maybe that's a part of Gaye living in me."

Perhaps, that is part of the answer....

I will take the Risk of Believing and see where it leads me

"Shall we live in Mystery and yet conduct ourselves

as though everything were known"

- Christopher Fry -

In Grief and Loss, everything has significance.

We look and strive for meaning in what appears to be

random events and wonder what is going on.

In death, nothing makes sense

so we look for meaning anywhere and everywhere

A special song is played at the perfect time.

The Sun breaks through when a loving thought is on Gaye.
A light flickers on Gaye's favorite artwork.

Deacon comes running into my arms at a low point.
Gaye's Chimes ring out with no noticeable wind.

I hear words of faith and encouragement
when I need it most.

Are these events all just coincidences?
Can it be possible that in
the Mysteries of Creation,

the Powers of God,
the Energies that move this Physical World

- Even our Departed Loved One-

are looking out for us?

God I love to think so.

And when I read similar stories about others having the same
Experiences, Senses and Feelings,
My skin tingles - My heart fills with

Hope, Love and Faith.

Yes, it might be so....

There is always room for doubt.

There is also room for Faith and Hope,

That is the Mystery of life.....

Deacon getting Splashed on in Asheville

At the bottom of the well, one can look up and see the sky.

Was she still hovering about the house at home,

the essence of herself,

and were I there would I perceive her presence?

I fought off the mighty yearning to go in search of her,

wherever she was.

For surely she was looking for me, too.

We were ill at ease, always, when apart.

But where are the Pathways?

- Pearl Buck

This quandary presents itself to all who have lost loved ones.

There are times when I look into a starlight night

and wonder:

"Maybe, that is where Gaye is, up there among the stars"

These thoughts are heartbreaking conjectures,

because there are no answers,

no destination this side of death to which

we can travel to find our lost love.

Yet,

sometimes I do feel Gaye's spirit hovering near

Whether it is my own wishful and hopeful  projection

or, in some way,

her spirit actually making a visit.

We have no way of knowing.

I want it to be Gaye

- some contact, some assurance, some validation

of a life beyond our physical shells.

But Oddly enough,

perhaps it doesn't matter a great deal right now to know.

If I am comforted, I need to be grateful for that sense.

And if this presence of the spirit comes

from my own imagination - well,

the creator of life gave me my imagination, too.
-Amen-

A Couple Unwelcomed friends appeared

I was beginning to do better,

I thought I was doing better,

But a few days ago the holidays just hit me.

- Widow talking about her first Christmas alone.

This will by my fourth Christmas without Gaye.

(Hard to fathom it has been that many)

Memories are always there to hook us,

to make the grief fresh again.

This past Sunday, I ventured out to get a Christmas tree.

As I was on the lot looking over the trees,

an ole memory invaded my mind.

 Of the time, Gaye and I went searching for a tree

with Deacon at our side.

With that memory fresh, along with the

hordes of families on the lot

enjoying this Christmas tradition,

My old friends, The Great Sadness, Grief and Loss

 simply enveloped and overwhelmed me.

My knees buckled and I had to remind myself to breathe.

An attendant actually came up to see if I needed help.

I know this will be a hard season for me.

I will have to take it one day at a time.

I will do my best to acknowledge when grief hovers close.

And I will even try to be open when joy may surprise me, too.

Fortunate are those whose Faith remains strong
in the face of loss. I like to think I mourn freely
and without recrimination from myself or others. 
I have learned that to be Human is to
feel the pain of loss. There are no shortcuts.
Only one way through.

As this Holiday Season surrounds me,
I will deal honestly with my Sadness, Pain and Loss;
We know each other very well.


Nope, I didn't get a tree. (Yet)

We were two and had but one heart between us.

"Love is a fabric which never fades,

no matter how often it is washed in

the water of adversity and grief"

Happy Birthday Gaye,

True love stories never have endings.

“They that love beyond the world

cannot be separated by it.

 Death cannot kill that which never dies."

William Penn

We love you so much!

The Happiest moments in life is to love and be loved.

Your lil canine Angel is taking great care of me.

The Laughing Heart
by Charles Bukowski

your life is your life
don’t let it be clubbed into dank submission.
be on the watch.
there are ways out.
there is a light somewhere.
it may not be much light but
it beats the darkness.
be on the watch.
the gods will offer you chances.
know them.
take them.
you can’t beat death but
you can beat death in life, sometimes.
and the more often you learn to do it,
the more light there will be.
your life is your life.
know it while you have it.
you are marvelous
the gods wait to delight
in you

Happy Birthday Deacon!

As I have mentioned many times before,

I thank God everyday for Deacon and

the love he has brought into my life.

I have one Angel up in Heaven

and one with a heartbeat
always at my side
looking over me!

My partner, My best friend,

My therapist, My fitness trainer.

This Green eyed Vizsla 

 has simply been my Savior!

How can there not be a God

with such a beautiful creature

providing life saving Grace and Comfort

Happy Birthday ole Boy!

I owe you my life.

(And Heart)

The Mystery of Nature

Deacon and I swimming in Hot Springs, NC

"The best remedy for those who are afraid, lonely or unhappy

is to go outside, somewhere where they

can be quiet, alone with the

Heavens,

Nature and God"

- Anne Frank -

Sunflowers I grew this Summer in front of the house.

All my Mistakes led me to You

1095 days ago, (3 years ago today) I had my last date with Gaye.

Reflecting back, I wish I had told her so me things.

I am haunted by what I did not say.

Below is what I wish I told her:

Blessed are the fortunate few who find their twin soul and willfully unite against all odds to walk a path together. Despite every transgression, despite many mistakes, my soul found fortune on the day I met you. From the first moments we laid eyes on each other, something in this world finally made sense to me. With maddening intensity, I began to travel within your path as you began to travel within mine.  In a universe so large, I had been kissed by God to discover my soul mate.  You are my other half... that piece of me which was missing so long. The moment I loved you... the moment you loved me back... that was the moment I became whole. In this enduring love we need never fear being less again.

Within the beautiful brief flicker and hiccup of time which our bodies shared on this earth, we were blessed to share so many things. Our adventure for Travel, our passion for movies, our Love for Deacon, Our Dreams for the future.

I want to thank you Gaye, I want thank you for all the amazing things which you did for me in our time together within these physical shells. From the smallest gestures to the greatest gifts.... everything you did had such meaning and I want you to know my gratitude for them.

I want to thank you for all the simple things which while you were here, I'm afraid to say at times, I met with merely a nod, or at worst...with no acknowledgement at all.

Thank you for each time you worried with me in the face of my own hardships... for taking them on as your own and then together sending them packing.

Thank you for your bountiful humor and quick wit. Thank you for each radiant smile you showed me and for each you brought to my own face.  Thank you for giving your all to bring me cheer when I needed it. And thank you for bringing it to me when I neither needed nor expected it, though I enjoyed the extra savor of it within my life.

Thank you for always.... each day... having a fresh and exciting perception of the world in which we lived.

Thank you for the sharing of your love of everything beautiful. Thank you for showing it to me in places where I never would have thought to look.

Thank you for being so kind and loving to my family.

Thank you for the warmth of your lovely and exquisite body on cold nights. Thank you for the warmth of your love, always.

Thank you for having faith in me... even when I could not find that faith within myself. Thank you for being my biggest fan and North Star.

Thank you for the memories of all the things we shared.  Thank you for bringing me the joys and mystery of travelling to new and exciting destinations.  This new found passion is now a part of my DNA, as it was a huge part of yours.  Thank you for all the places and dreams you took me; Prague, Vienna, Hawaii, Tuscany, Paris, CA, NYC, etc...  If I never travel another mile, the places we experienced have provided me with a world of adventure and beauty far beyond the most unbridled dreams I could have managed before I met you.

Thank you for each and every memory of us alone together. Thank you for the weekend adventures, for the long massages, Thank you for introducing me to broadway.  Thank you for sharing my love for movies and TV and placing your head on my shoulders and holding my hand with every chance you had. That was contentment Gaye. That was Heaven on Earth... just enough to do me until I find the real one with you.

I thank you for the memories of you with Deacon. Watching you care and love on him brought such a glow to me. You were such a wonderful mother. I sense there are times even today, when Deacon patiently waits for your return. It breaks my heart to see Deacon without your love. One day, I am sure he will join you....a most glorious reunion of two Angels.

Thank you for the most wonderful wedding a man could ever be so blessed to have. I thank you for somehow falling under my spell and allowing me to raise your veil and become my "True Companion" in this life. I pinch myself everyday that a woman so smart, so beautiful, so caring, could love a man like me.
Only a precious, lucky few basked in your love. God, smiled on me.

Thank you for showing me your courage and tenacity as day after day you struggled and triumphed in working past every setback and heartache which you had so bravely endured.  Thank you for never letting those trials make you surrender.. for never allowing the fires of those trials to temper your spirit, hopes, and dreams into something lesser.

Thank you for the dreams of us having children which we never got to meet. 

Thank you for letting me be myself. Thank you for dealing with me as I was... not as you imagined or wished me to be.

Thank you for being tolerant of my failings. Thank you for neither crushing my ego, nor allowing it to grow beyond the bounds of sense.  Thank you for remaking me without ever setting out to do it. Thank you for helping me to understand my potential... for helping me accomplish more things with you than I ever could ever have dreamed alone.

Thank you for being not only my lover, but my best friend and moral compass.

Thank you for the imagination  in our life. For helping me to grow in appreciation of new things. For making my life more adventurous in all things from the least to the greatest.

Thank you for the opportunity to mature.

Thank you for your dependability... for always being there when I needed you.

Thank you for your honesty, your values, your morality and compassion.

Thank you for the few and far between bad times between us because even in those, I learned to grow.

I apologize for every time I failed you... every time I lacked the understanding you so deserved.

I apologize for not being patient and kind when I should have been.

I apologize for the times when I was selfish and failed to see your needs.  I have always loved you Dear, but in that love I know, at times, I let you down.  I apologize for running out of the house on early weekend mornings to the gym vs cuddling in bed which you so loved to do. I thank you for your loyal and forgiving love which has always made me feel like the luckiest man ever to live.

Thank you Gaye, for gracing my life with your loving presence.. for adding the sweet measure of your soul to my own and making me complete for the very first time.

I thank you for all these things My love, and for so much more

which I have neither the strength nor the words to convey.

Per your wishes, I promise to have joy and love life  

Perhaps, I will meet someone to hold my hand.
Perhaps I might even fall in love again.

(I know that is what you want)

Because of you, I know Love is not finite.

All my mistakes led me to you.

Faith, Hope and Love will see me through.

I simply owe everything to you.

I love you to the moon and back!!!!

(That is what I wished I said to her, Friday everning August 15, 2008.)

I think she knows

Hope Floats

Photo I took at Montserrat, outside Barcelona in May 2011

She thought that she had never before had a chance

to realize the might, grimness and tenderness of God.

She thought that now for the first time

she began to know herself,

and she gained extraordinary hope in this

beginning of knowledge.

--James Agee--

If one ever wondered about the limits of our strength

and our ability to endure,

the experience of losing one's soul mate,

will tell you much.

Life is shaken to the Foundation and core,
and all that we Believe, Feel and Love are put to the test.

But, yet we Survive

And out of the terrible, rarefied self knowledge comes

 a new found empathy with all that we encounter.

- A sense of the Wonder -
 at the Suffering and the Beauty

this world has to offer.

As Grief envelopes us, we do what it takes to survive.
We tell ourselves we can't give up.
We attempt to understand the incomprehensible.
A futile grasp at making sense of the loss.

So what we have is our Faith
and the simple
realization
that

We know ourselves to be in this world,
We know we are part of this world.
We also know that it is out of our hands.
We can't manage it; we can't control it
But through the grace of God,
through the hardship, through the loss
through the tears,
We discover in our faith and lost love,
We are in the hands of ONE who can.

In this purifying and terrible wisdom,

may I feel the regenerating presence of

GOD,

for

Consolation,

and for

Hope.

A Mighty Amen

Watch your way then, as a cautious traveller,

and don't be gazing at that mountain or river in the distance,

and saying, "How shall I ever get over them?"

but keep to the present little inch that is before you,

and accomplish that in the little moment that belongs to it.

The mountain and the river can only be passed in the

same way; and, when you come to them,

you will come to the light and strength that belong to them.

- M.A Kelty

A lovely lady in her old age said that the only thing

in her life she regretted was the time she had spent worrying.

 I have to admit

I spend a great deal of time with worry and regret.

In my mind, I run through past scenes when Gaye

was present and dwell on the loss

and worry that life will just never sort itself out.

I worry the hollowness and emptiness within me

will never be restored.

I worry about how I will survive important dates?

Birthdays, Anniversaries, Holidays.

These will be difficult times

and there will be others I don't anticipate.

But as with the mystery of life,

I have no way of knowing what will befall me,

I like to believe it is Love, Relationships and Loss

that defines our lives.

Whether it be full of Passion or Pain,

or perhaps a mixture of both.

Nothing can fill the gap when we are away

from those we love...

We must simply hold out and win through...

It is nonsense to say God fills the Gap;

he does not fill it, but keeps it empty so that

our communion with another may be kept alive,

even at the cost of pain.

-Dietrich Bonhoeffer

It is strangely reassuring,

that the pain of that empty space will always be with me.

While I do want to feel better, I do not want, ever to forget
the love we so blessedly shared and experienced.

Accepting that fact,

Perhaps It's time to loosen my reign on

Worry and Regret



Because Gaye Lived

I came across a wonderful love letter from a young man to his late wife on a blog similar to mine.
The words are so poignant. I simply understand  his pain and the search for acceptance and understanding in the midst of loss and anguish.  His love letter is called - Today Because You Lived -

Today, because you lived, I will be kinder to others.
Today, because you lived, I will take the time to enjoy obvious beauty but also explore the overlooked and find radiance there as well.
Today, because you lived, I will not treat this day as a day of loss, but a reminder of the value of life.
Today because you lived, I will work instead of mourn, and will do the best job I know to do.
Today because you lived, I will not squander my day to pity nor indulgence, but I will remember with a smile and still raise my glass at the end of the day.
Today, because you lived, I know how to live myself.
And so today, because you lived,

 I can....and I will... as best as I know how. 

I just can't believe the third Anniversary of this LGW

 (Less Gaye World)

is upon me.

I have come to believe that August 22, 2008

was not the day Gaye's life was lost,

 but the day of her birth

into the only world that could ever be large enough to

hold her loving, free, amazing and adventurous spirit.

Happy Third Heavenly Birthday Dear. 

Not knowing what to get you, I send you a promise
that I will love today as best as I can...

Better than I knew how before there was you...

and I will remember... and I will smile.

I will smile, today because you lived.

Deacon and I enjoying a a summer night.
(After three years, I am still not accustomed to taking photos of merely me)

I will try to open my heart to life as it is now.

I am slowly, painfully discovering that my refuge is not

found in my mother, my grandmother, or even in the birds

of Bear River. My refuge exists in my capacity to love.

If I can learn to love death then I can begin to find

refuge in change.

-Terry Tempest Williams

At first, it seems like a ridiculous suggestion

-"learn to love death?"

Death, isn't that the enemy?

Perhaps what Terry (and God) is asking us to do,

is to Love and embrace the Truth, to love all that is.

So, from hearts engulfed with loss, longing and Grief,

All that we love today,
can we include in the sweep

of our love even that which has caused us enormous pain?

If we can, then perhaps

we can stop being imprisoned behind walls

of denial and anger; we can stop banging

our heads and our hands against what cannot be changed.

We can then accept what has happened,

and also accept the life we have...

I can certainly tell you

I am broken and beaten down from battling Death.

It cannot be changed so why do I fight with all that I have?

I must concede the battle
and accept what has been laid before me.

Love thy Enemy?
Embrace what I have so long fought?

I will open my heart to that possibility.

With Faith, perhaps death is not my enemy,
but a portal to all that I love and cherish.
A Necessary door that opens to all that
we dare to dream.

Faith, Hope and Love pulling me through.....

Charles Bridge, Prague
Where I made Gaye an  Honest Women and Me, the happiest man on Earth

In the New York Times the other day I came across a commencement speech from Chris Waddell, a current Champion paralympic ski racer that had an accident which broke his back and left him paralyzed from the waist down 8 years ago. Last year, as Chris was getting out of his car and pulling his chair out, a little girl rode by, on her pink bike, streamers coming off her handle bars, she asked Chris, "What happened to your legs?" Chris told her the story in which the girl replied, "So you'll never walk again?" and Chris answered with a sad voice. "No, probably not"  As she rode away, she said, "That's too bad."

Chris in reflection wish he could go back and let the little girl know; "If I never had my accident I never would have been the best in the world at anything. I wouldn't have turned a hobby into a profession. I wouldn't have acted in a soap opera. I wouldn't have met presidents and heads of state. I wouldn't be giving this speech at Middlebury College today.

      But that little girl saw the tragedy;

      she didn't see the potential gift.

In this Less Gaye World (LGW), I have to stop focusing on tragedy and loss. I was indeed so blessed to be the recipient of Gaye's heart.   (I still can't believe she married me.) I know part of the pain I am experiencing now was part of the happiness back then.  As I have said many times before, only a precious few on this earth were touched by her Spirit and Love.

Where is the Tragedy in that?

God, I was so lucky.

Out of the tragedy and loss, my gift has been the full faith I have in God today. Although, I might not understand anything, because of Gaye, I can lean on God for strength and acceptance and one day, understanding.



Faith, Hope and Love (and Deacon) - Reminding me of my gifts from Gaye everyday.

Eating and Drinking my way through Barceleona (And making Great Friends along the way)

Click here to view this photo book larger

My first European trip in this LGW (Less Gaye World)

"Grief can take care of itself,

but to get the full value of joy

you must have somebody to

divide it with"

- Mark Twain

That somebody has been my friends

to help divide the grief.

I have been so blessed.

"In everyone's life, at sometime,

our inner fire goes out.

It is then burst into flame by an encounter

with another human being.

We should all be thankful for those people who

rekindle the inner spirit."

-Albert Schweitzer

"Might not be tonight, tomorrow, or the next day.... but everything's gonna be OK"

Hope, Faith and Love in Spain

Candle I lit in memory of Gaye at the Cathedral of Barcelona
(Bottom Row, only candle in focus)

"Hear with your heart,
See with your soul,
Be guided by a hand that you cannot hold,
Trust even if you cannot see.
That's how faith must be."

"When you have come to the edge of all light that you know

And are about to drop off into the darkness

of the unknown,

Faith is knowing one of two things will happen:

There will be something solid to stand on

or

You will be taught to fly"

- Jonathon Livingston Seagull

"There is nothing that wastes the body like worry,
and one who has any faith in God should be
 ashamed to worry about anything whatsoever”
- Mohatma Ghandi


"I know God will not give me anything I can't handle.
I just wish He didn't trust me so much"
- Mother Teresa

Amen

(How do folks get through life without Faith, Hope and Love?
At this juncture in my life, it is more critical than Oxygen)

GoD and my DoG love me unwaveringly. I am learning to accept this blessing...

A friend sent me the below video.

I thank God everyday for

the love and affection of Deacon.

Beautiful in his simplicity

Monumental in its Comprehension.

I like to think that there is something Divine in Deacon

to remind me of the unconditional love

that God has for me

to help me cope with loss.

I know without reservation
 there is a part of God reflected in Deacon...

Faith, Hope and Love licking my face everyday....

"When the Heart weeps for what it has lost, the Spirit laughs for what it has found."

I love that old saying.....

The weather here in Atlanta is so unpredictable these days. 90 degrees one day - two days later, temps dive down into the 60's.  One day, not a cloud in the sky - the next -a fierce storm can rip through our beloved area creating unforeseen damage.

My passage of separation from Gaye is very much like the fickle weather. One day I want to take my feelings and love to a new place, to separate from the old mournful self and graduate into someone that I strive to be. The next day, I just want to retreat and cling to what I know and have experienced.

Sue Monk Kidd says we have within us a deep longing to grow and become a new creature, but we possess an equally strong compulsion to remain the same - to burrow down in our safe, secure places.

An epic battle of light (Growth) vs. Dark (What we know).

I am in that fight -  I am holding on to the self I know. A desperate clinging rises up in me. We make a valiant attempt to "save" our old life.  In the words of Daniel Day Williams; "We fear it is all we have.  Even its suffering are familiar and we clutch them because their very familiarity is comforting...."

Thinking about my state: What is behind my clinging? Am I trying to save my old self? Do I fear the future because I don't know what might emerge? Am I afraid to change?

Looking up the word clinging, I discovered that it comes from the Anglo-Saxon word clingan, which means "shrink." Sure enough, an undeniable connection exists between shrinking and clinging. From a spiritual perspective, clinging creates a shrinking within the soul, a shrinking of possibility and growth.

To cling to "How it was" can be overpowering.

The courage to letting go is so damn hard but I know that is what I must do.

I know: 

Nothing Stays the same....

We must change forms.....

We must Grow....

We must imagine and dream the possibilities....
We must love what we had but not cling to it....

We must let go and leave the old behind....
We must hand ourselves over to God and have faith.......

With God's Grace,  I pray everyday for that courage....

Not Only a Dog!

A bittersweet laugh these days;

When I am out and about w/Deacon,

barely an instance goes by without someone saying

 how affectionate this red hair, green eye canine is by my side.

To be perfectly honest, the affection between Deacon and I

was nothing compared to the love between Deacon and Gaye.

One of the infinitesimal wonderful memories I have of my wife 

is the attention and love Gaye had for Deacon.

The bond between them was surely special and unique.

 It was a bond without equal.

(I merely try to fill in as a substitute)

In fact, one of my favorite stories that epitomizes

the love and compassion that Gaye filled this world with,

was when she was talking to a close friend about

the uncompromising love and companionship that Deacon provided.

This friend, tired of hearing about Deacon, replied;

"Gaye, he is only a dog"

Gaye told me that evening that she could never see that friend

 in the same light again.

Gaye would not allow the

 trivialization of Deacon's Love.

Perhaps from a sign above,

(I like to think so)

I happened to read a memoir from Dean Koontz,

about the impact his dog had in his life and love and

something similar Gaye came across

Dean Koontz says it best

Some will say

"She was only a dog"

Yes, she was a dog, but not only a dog.

I am a man, but not only a man.

 Sentiment is not sentimentaility,

common sense is not common ignorence,

and intuition is not superstition.

Living with a recognition of the spiritual dimension

 of the world not only ensures a happier life

 but also a more honest intellectual life

than if we allow no room for wonder

and refuse to acknowledge

the mystery of existance...

The life of a seamstress is no smaller

than the life of a queen,

the life of a child with Down syndrome

no less filled with promise

than the life of a philosopher,

because the only significant measure of your life is

the positive effect you have on others,

either by conscious acts of will

or by unconcious example.

Every smallest act of kindness even just words

of hope when they are needed.

has potential to change the recipient's life.

If by the example of her joy and innocence, a dog

can greatly change two lives for the better,

then no life is little, and every life is big.

The mystery of life is the source of it's wonder,

and the wonder of life is what makes it so worth living.

From the book "A Big Little Life"

I have to humbly agree with Mr. Koontz and Gaye,

Much more than a merely a Dog...

Gaye and Deacon were my Destiny.... I am so thankul

The meeting of two personailities

is like the contact

of two chemical substances.

If there is any reaction, both are

transformed.

- Carl Jung -

When someone puts words to an experience, it seems to help others. From the writings of C.S Lewis and the struggles of faith he encountered when the  love of his life died after four short years of marriage to other bloggers that have come face to face with the bottomless pit of Grief and Mourning

- words of experience seem to comfort me.-

When reading these experiences,

I am reminded of what is most difficult to deal with right now

- the loss of memory-

I am not referring to my memory of

Gaye which happens to be emblazoned into

my heart, soul and mind.

What I am referring to is the loss of Gaye's memory.

The collection of memories that existed only in her mind;

Things only she knew;

Things only we shared;

 Places we went;

Things that we laughed about;

Words Gaye and I said to each other;

Promises we made to each other;
The Colors she brought to my life; 

Things that a made our love tangible and whole.

The secrets that we two only knew;

There is something about sharing secrets.

 As with any couple, It made our relationship so special and unique. 

The ability to share something that no one else knows about,

 to me is an aspect of LOVE.

God knows how much I miss Gaye's memory,

Now it is only me that knows all those "Things". 

Who really likes to keep a secret all to themselves.....

Gaye sharing a secret with Deacon

Love without End

A thing of beauty is a joy for ever

Its loveliness increases; it will never

Pass into nothingness; but will keep

A bower quiet for us, and a sleep

Full of sweet dreams, and health and quiet breathing

- John Keats

Gaye's last letter to me has such profound meaning

to me these days

"I love you

without reservation

without conditions

without holding back

without beginning and

without end.

You are me heart!

Love Gaye

May, 2008

Happy Valentine's Day Baby

It is a love without end.

When I work, and in my art, I hold hands with God - Robert Mapplethorpe

Henry David Thoreau once said

"Things are beautiful if you love them." 

I have found a new passion recently.

Perhaps it's therapy and meditation.

Perhaps it's another way for me to express my feelings.

I can't quite pinpoint it,

but I know it does bring me spiritually closer to all that I love.

Thomas Merton wrote that

"Art enables us to find ourselves and

lose ourselves at the same time"

I have completed 13 paintings over the last 90 days.

Above and below are my two latest attempts.

" 'Twant me, 'twas the lord. I always told him,

 I trust to you. I don't know where to go or what to do,

but I expect you to lead me,'

and he always did."

- Harriet Tubman

How to people get through adversity?

I guess it just comes down to trust.

Trust that the faith we hold so close will see us through.

I have discovered that each of us have our own

methods and traditions for meeting

the terrors of the uncertain future.

I have found great comfort and assurance in painting.
A feeling of warmth.
A feeling of love.
A feeling of closeness.
The Warmth, Love and Closeness
envelopes me as I paint.

The above acrylic is a crude abstract of Venice.

A place Gaye and I had planned numerous times to visit,

but Cancer would not allow.
It broke Gaye's heart to never make that trip.

Ralph Waldo Emerson said,

"In art the hand can never execute anything higher

than the heart can imagine"

I like to imagine her above St Mark's Square,
or above everywhere or anywhere we
have ever been or planned to go.
She pulling my hand out of the Darkness,
and reminding me of the three words she instilled in me,
Faith, Hope and Love

With each painting,

I inscribe on the back

"Faith, Hope, Love"

What a blessing,
for this new found outlet.
And a reminder of the Gift I had been Given.

Art is a collaboration between God and the artist,
and the less the artist does, the better.
- Andre Gilde

Amen

"Those who appreciate life the most are given the most to appreicate"

As a famous sage once observed,

"It is the person who likes to pat dogs to

 whom dogs come for pats.

Most of us spend our lives trying to

escape from self-centeredness.

Maybe that's the whole point, the whole challenge,

what the whole thing is all about.

Some succeed better than others.

It seems the more things you care about (outside of yourself)

the more intensely you care,

the more alive you are.

To care, you have to surrender the armor of indifference.

You have to be willing to act,

to make the first move.

It takes a great deal of courage to really care,

 to love and then to lose....

life is not fair and often it is safer

not to get involved, not to care....

but in that end do we really live?

 We must be willing to act, to approach,

to be absorbed, and in the absorption....

to be fulfilled.

Thank you SS for your wonderful words

of wisdom and friendship.

You are right in that it is us
that chooses the glass half full/empty throughout our lives.

Also,
Thank you for reminding me of how much my glass has runneth over!!!!

Our favorite people watching spot in Sienna

(It is indeed a full glass)

Hopeful Resolution

So, here we are:

2011

To be honest, I am relieved 2010 is in the rear view mirror. It was a tough, emotional year for me. The second year of experiencing the world without the physical presence of my "North Star" to guide me. Without that Guidance, my mental makeup, outlook and optimism took a beating...

As Paula Cole says: "It is ME who is my enemy, ME who beats me up, ME who makes the Monsters, ME who strips my confidence..."

The Rev James Martin came up with 10 spiritual learnings that he wished he adopted years ago.

1. First up, Stop worrying so much! it's useless (I.e. Jesus was right.)
2. Being a saint means being yourself. Stop trying to be someone else and just be your best self. Saves you heartache.
3. There's no right way to pray, any more than there's a right way to be a friend. What's "best" is what works best for you.
4. Your deepest, most heartfelt desires are God's desires for you. And vice versa. Listen. And follow them.
5. Within you is the idea of your best self. Act as if you were that person and you will become that person, with God's grace.
6. Don't worry to much about the worst that can happen. Even if it happens, God is with you, and you can handle it. Really.
7. You can't force people to approve of you, agree with you, be impressed with you, love you or even like you. Stop trying.
8. When we compare, we are usually imagining someone else's life falsely. So our real-life loses out. I.e. Compare and despair
9. Seven things to say frequently:  I love you.  Thank you.  Thank you, God.  Forgive me.  I'm so happy for you!  Why not?  Yes.
10. Peace and joy come after asking God to free you -- from anything that keeps you from being loving and compassionate.

So here's to 2011 and to Re-Discovering Hope, Love and Optimism.



Deacon investigating the early morning Fog at the lake

 I am certain my spiritual North Star is pulling for me.....

Get out of my own way.....

If you are Brave enough to Leave

behind everything familiar

and comforting, which can be anything

from your house to bitter, old resentments....

...and to set out on a truth-seeking journey

either Externally or Internally,

and if you are truly willing to

regard everything that happens to you

on that journey as a clue,

and if you accept everyone you meet

along the way as a Teacher

and if you are prepared, most of all,

to face and forgive some very

difficult realities about yourself

then the truth will not be withheld from you.

-

Liz Gilbert

Eat, Pray, Love

-

The Rev. Susan Sparks once said

"Just get out of the way and let Jesus do his work"

What great advice for life.

Oh, we can put up a whole lot of blocks to the spirit.

Things like

Anger, Negativity, Fear, Doubt, Resentment, Sadness.

These emotions weigh us down!

We all have a spirit that yearns for joy and lightness -

a spirit that yearns to soar!

But then life gets in the way.....

In my microcosm,  Dreams have been destroyed,

Hopes dashed, Spirits crushed.

Life has become Flat, Heavy and Bleak.

With the new year upon me,

Here is to

new Hopes, new Dreams and new Possibilities.

Perhaps, I need to just get out of my own way and

let the lord do his work.

A chance to start again...

(With help from above)

Amen.

One of my recent Paintings.
I have found a new Passion!

My Special Christmas Gift....

Here we go, another Holiday season. For the first time in the LGW (Less Gaye World), I have put up a Christmas tree and actually decorated the house. It is a beautiful tree with all the trimmings that Deacon and I are quite proud of! Could this be a sign of healing?  Of course,  I still shed a tear most days.  But the tears are ones of great feeling and emotion and I mean that in a very positive and constructive way.

Because of Gaye,

I have come to understand, appreciate and fully envelope

Love and Compassion.

I read the below quote often to remind me of the love I shared and the blessing I had....

"Grief can destroy you --or focus you. You can decide a relationship was all for nothing if it had to end in death, and you alone. OR you can realize that every moment of it had more meaning than you dared to recognize at the time, so much meaning it scared you, so you just lived, just took for granted the love and laughter of each day, and didn't allow yourself to consider the sacredness of it. But when it's over and you're alone, you begin to see that it wasn't just a movie and a dinner together, not just watching sunsets together, not just scrubbing a floor or washing dishes together or worrying over a high electric bill. It was everything, it was the why of life, every event and precious moment of it. The answer to the mystery of existence is the love you shared sometimes so imperfectly, and when the loss wakes you to the deeper beauty of it, to the sanctity of it, you can't get off your knees for a long time, you're driven to your knees not by the weight of the loss but by gratitude for what preceded the loss. And the ache is always there, but one day not the emptiness, because to nurture the emptiness, to take solace in it, is to disrespect the gift of life."
— Dean Koontz (Odd Hours)

I like to think that is Gaye's present to me for this Christmas,
 Love and Compassion.

I couldn't ask for a better Gift!!!!

Two perfect Christmas Gifts
Gaye had just completed a Stem Cell transplant the day before this pic
which had kept her in the hospital for over 20 days.
It was a wonderful Homecoming.

Amazing Grace

"What we do differently today will have

changed the past for people in the future"

Those words are the introduction to Stephanie Ann Paulk's Blog.  An Artist, Writer, Poet, Performer, Attorney and Wife, Stephanie seemed to be such a unique individual. Stephanie died a couple weeks ago at the age of 38 from Brain Cancer. I had read about her passing in the obituary section of the AJC. (Us widowers look at the Obituary daily to see who is joining the club).

A beautiful looking girl, I was awestruck at her story and life and how she had handled her illness with such strength and grace since 2001.  (Yes, she does remind me of someone!)

I never had the pleasure of meeting Stephanie -  I think a loss for everyone that had not experienced her courageous spirit and love. Through Reading her Blogs, Poems and writings - I DO get a sense of who she was and continues to be.

I Like to think that certain people are truly a Gift from the Grace of God.  A gift that immeasurably changes our lives and defines who we are. Those that have been loved and touched by these gifts are in my mind, the Lucky Ones. Tell me who wouldn't want to be touched by an Angel?  Yes, indeed, we are the Lucky Ones!

No, I never met you Stephanie - but I do know that your life, passions and spirit carries on in those that were blessed to have been loved by you. What a Wonderful and Special Gift you were.

I like to believe you might even have a new Soul Sister on the other side.

Shadows and Sunlight

Photo of Castelo de Meleto Church, Chianti, Italy
From our Honeymoon

Each Substance of Grief hath twenty Shadows.

- William Shakespeare

They are everywhere....

The reminders of loss.

They ricochet off one another,
fill the empty spaces of my life.

I was at the airport the other day and happened to fixate on

a tall slender woman with
exquisite high cheek bones and flawless complexion.

I could not take my eyes off this other girl last week that had

Striking, Long, Raven Black hair.

I was watching TV this weekend and came across an actress with a

nose so similar it mesmerized me.

I had a dream last night that her hand held mine....

Each reminder is a shadow,
an anvil of loss, sadness and longing...

A distant memory that is beyond my touch.

God, I infinitely miss her
 Companionship and Conversation.

But these Reminders are also Sunlight -

Wonderful, Life Giving Sunlight.

A Reminder of what a Gift and Blessing I had. 

A Reminder of a Love without end.

I believe my Salvation will be discovered in this Sunlight.

I guess you can't have one without the other.

There would be no shadow without sunlight behind it!

With that fact, I'll accept both....
and pray the Sunlight beams through....